The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Todays odat was a good one and I thought I would share parts of it with you.
An aa who counsels families 'Yes, the alcoholic can be forced to get sober' the wife then goes on to list all the things shes tried over the years, threats, ultimatum, control etc. The aa person says 'that is you applying the force and that never works. I suggest you stop taking action'
The reading talks about how the alcoholic will only stop when the pressure builds up for them, when the family try inaction, no arguments, discussions, rescuing, fixing, taking over his responsibilities. The last sentence says, 'God helps those who dont try to take over his work'
How good is that? I did this for 20 odd years and this simple program has freed me and the alcoholics in my life. Life is so much better now I try not to react.x
For me this cuts right to the truth of my experience. It felt so counter intuitive to do and say nothing but it was only when I stopped trying to help AH, and just got on with doing things that I enjoyed despite his tantrums that any change started to happen. Sometimes I think it is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do but that might have been because I was doing it without physically leaving or having other people around me.
I know what your saying, I only learned this when I had left my ex but it really helped me when it came to my son. I practice this every day with my kids and it truly works.x
My H asked me today why I was different. He said that lately I seemed stressed. I asked him: Are you sure? I have never felt so relaxed in my entire life! Then he said that 'stressed' was not the right word. Actually I was distant, not giving him ATTENTION.
Aha!
I am not caring about what/how much/when he drinks.
Wether he is coming home or not.
And I am not engaging in any kind of conflict at all. In fact when I sense conflict coming my way I dodge it so quickly, I am becoming very skilled at this. It is the hardest part for me, not to make my voice heard/put my point across/prove that I am right/make him understand...but it is getting easier. I am glad I have been put to the test a few times. It such a relief to gently smile, ignore and leave or change the subject instead of getting my feathers ruffled up!
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Thanks for the share. I agree, this approach is what saved my sanity. Only when I stopped trying to control did my AH start making steps for his own sobriety. It's easy to say, but very hard to do.
That was a good daily read. I need to be reminded that I am not in this alone. Millions of people are living this life that I am. Not sure why that helps, but it does. :) It assures me I am not crazy and all the other things the A calls me (that he is like hateful, mean, angry).
Oh, sometimes I wish....., but then I have to get real and say, "this is your new normal." Just for today. I really think that if this continues I will leave eventually, but will live one day at a time. I will know my limit when I get there.
This morning I went to a meeting before work. Tonight, I worked out. Both are good for my mind, body, soul. I even did a few loads of laundry and made a salad for dinner. And try to forget that my AH hates me and is sitting just feet away watching TV, and not tallking to me, again. This has been going on for months. I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I can't cure it.
I love this little blue book. Just enough to keep me going throughout the day.
I am aware the following was not your point but to share my "feelings" / The Alcoholic can NOT be forced to get sober. When I hear of people who supposedly got sober or "stopped drinking so much" .. IF I do not hear about a specific recovery plan I simply feel someone is mistaken. Perhaps the alcoholic has slowed down for a while...but I just don't think anyone gets sober without rehab. / AA etc. and even with AA I doubt their resolve until many years of sobriety and I wouldn't trust them too much then. It took me years to not base my life on "what if I leave him and then he gets sober" what if I just didn't wait for the miracle. For me the miracle was the day I fully understood that his sobriety or lack thereof was not in anyway about or effected by me!!! IF he did get better somehow it still going to be a long hard road due to all his pain and damage. That the road to independence was going to be hard and I will always struggle with being " an alanon" or person who takes someone elses temperature to see how I feel. BUT the road to my being better was much shorter and more likely to be than the road to his sobriety.
Thank you. For me my ex did get sober, my son didnt. My detachment has helped everyone though, especially me, ive got sober. Detachment with love just helps break the obsession for us, it saves us, guaranteed, and the saving us is not dependant on sobriety for another human being. We are powerless over the alcoholic and every other enabler they come into contact with, but were not powerless over us, as soon as we stop depending on sobriety for our own happiness, like a miracle, were happy.x
this page changed my life , it was like a map to me of what Not to do , it was the only page I read for my first 6 months of recovery . You can find it on July 14th in our ODAT. don't assage their guilt by argueing with them , I fell for that every time and the fight was on , eventually I learned that a A will do anything to get the focus off themselves . I learned to say You could be right =and walk away . or sorry you feel that way - and walk away or my fav thanks for pointing that out I will take a look at that , when he was taking my inventory .. leaving the room was easy for me as their was no violence in my home . It didn't take my husb long to figure out that you couldn't argue with only one person in the room . Louise
It was and still is freeing for me, too, elcee. Al anon taught me that it was an act of love to detach. My past taught me it was unloving to be detached. The teaching of al anon felt better than what I had learned in my past.
