alcohol in the family…evolution. - Al-Anon Family Group

tortuga · Senior Member

alcohol in the family…evolution.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I feel unwanted and out of place with some of my sibs as I did with my Mom. Not with my Dad though. My sponsor has helped me accept them for who they are and where they are. I do have "other" family where I do feel wanted and at home and I focus on them - kind of like seeing the glass half full rather than half empty. I just got back a few days ago from a concert and overnight in my hometown. I invited two of my sisters-in-law to go with me. We had a wonderful time and I felt right at home with them. My own sisters - like my Mom - relate to their thoughts about me and not me. That's their issue. I struggled for a long time with that one and then one day just surrendered the kind of relationship I wanted to them - just like I had to surrender the type of relationship I wanted with my Mom. I don't need them or a relationship to them to make my life happy or content. There are people in my life who are a better match for me and I'm grateful for that realization.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 12th of July 2014 02:45:01 PM

tortuga · Senior Member

thank you grateful, I can understand what you are saying.
It's hard to let go this one, I tried sometimes before, but I still and always let it get to me. having NO EXPECTATION with family is a difficult one.
I don't like my judgments also, I don't like this position..and I would like to have it some other ways, but can't get through somehow.
communication is complicated. and maybe useless. I should stop thinking these thoughts. Focusing on other relationshipsespecially the one with myself. I guess it's just unusual, because it's new.
thank you for this reminder.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((T))) I was devastated at first. I had been close - or thought I was - most especially with my two sisters. Unfortunately, they both drink and the disease is progressing. My Mom was an ACOA and although multifaceted, very talented and able to pretty much do anything she wanted to do - well developed left and right brained - she couldn't forgive and she couldn't paint any of us onto canvas as she could other things. She also couldn't see that she was loved more for herself than she was loved for what she could do. I seldom remember my Mother laughing or relaxing as she grew older although she was a very good Mother and happy woman when I was a child. Stress and physical debilitation contributed a lot to her suffering and beneath all that I believe there was a person who wanted to be perfect and couldn't live up to the image of herself that she wanted to be. Fortunately, Al-Anon has helped me get in touch with some of that which I internalized as a child trying to live up to my Mom's expectations of me. As my expectations of myself changed, so did my expectations of family members in relationship to me. It has taken a lot of time and program work to let go of the hurt that came about as the disease progressed in my sibs and the affects of it on my Mom whose Mom was an untreated A, but I can say that although there are times I feel the hurt and disappointment again, I can let go of it much more easily than when I first felt the rejection of some of my sibs and my Mom. You are on your way, T, and we're here for you. Easy does it. You've been through a lot. And now you're facing some more things that are hurtful to you as you also rebuild your life on new terrain.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 12th of July 2014 02:58:24 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

i don't know if it matters if they are A or not.Families are not like they used to be or the majority are not. Used to be they would rally all around each other and help, listen.

Becuz of the worlds situation we have become disjointed, uninvolved.

I know where you are. Believe me. Its very painful but all we can do is change us. How we look at it, do we need to move on?

You have faced you are not getting what you need from them.I am very sad about that for you.What I am focusing on is where can I volunteer to help others, to love them. When we do for others we do feel better. What we put out, comes back.

But it if doesn't, then we can only change us again.

You made a huge change, it will feel scattered until you find your home. Where doyou want to make your home? What do you want to do? You know we would LOVE to hear of your progress, your goals.

I know you are physically alone, but you are not alone without us, cuz we care.

hugs, debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

T I do hear you and understand After a short time in alanon I realized that I was powerless over my family and that no amount of analyzing them or pointing out their defects would in an way make my life better.
I found that keeping the focus on myself my feeling analyzing my motives, changing my attitudes were the only positive action I could take. In my family, I decided that acceptance of them as they were was my only choice To this day I can connect wit them on some level and that is good enough for me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Tortuga))))...you're at that place I use to understand as lingering...until my sponsor told me I was going to have to move away from all things alcohol and when I heard that I understood intimately the truth of it. My nickname in my family of origin is "The Lone Ranger" cause I was running away from them before I was a teenager. My life back then was patently inane like I lived in a circus of crazy people...the merry-go-round. I ran and couldn't run from me. When my sponsor said that my first reaction was to cry because it included my alcoholic/addict second wife. It felt like I was abandoning her and others who "needed" me and then they didn't need me...it was me needing to be needed and addicted to being in love. The love never came back in any way that I could understand and so I left them and no body screamed for me. The did later get pissed because I wasn't doing what they were still doing. I made the Al-Anon Family Groups my new family and while some of my family didn't understand, some liked the changes in me. I come from generational alcoholism and untreated it will leave its mark everywhere on everyone in the family. One of my college study focuses regarding the diseases of substance abuse and alcoholism was the genetics of it. That was a major wake up call for me and I came to understand so much about Alcohol and the Family and why organizations such as Al-Anon help so much. I came also to understand some of the dynamics of the justifications for remaining in sick and life threatening relationship using my own fearful negative emotions and faulty rules to stay there. Guilt was one of those emotions and humorously I broke that justification one afternoon while pulling on to a highway next to a car with a bumper sticker "Screw Guilt". It had the AA Logo on it and I understood right way about not doing anything which would trap me to it with guilt. "To thine own self be true" helped me to stop lingering and to go after the way I wanted to live my life without looking back. I love the Al-Anon declaration which reminds me that "I am responsible" and the consequences I get are the result of my choices and not nearly as much as what use to be the influence of others wants and needs. Its okay for my family to get pissed at times...that is their choice for what ever reason. My whole family realigned after much program work and one on ones with my HP who is my creator Father and also the Father of my family members...all of us. My family of origin no longer practices power over my life. I crossed the thresh hold and it looks like you are doing that also. I am in support. Keep and open mind. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I found that when I woke up there was no going back to denial in any area of my life. Life comes into focus, all of it and it can be unnerving. People are damaged and it never was just the alcoholic, our family of origin was where it began for us. Something had to have been wrong there for us to settle into life with an alcoholic and get sicker, we were sick to begin with. Well in my experience, Im not sure thats the case for everybody. For me, when I am with my family of origin I can see the damage, I see it in my sister and her kids. My mum has been gone almost 10 years but she was a damaged person too. I have had to provide myself with what I need, my family never had it to give, they were never given it to give to me.

Alcohol and its effects were everywnere when I was growing up, now, I can decide to be in its company or not, I mostly choose not. I dont have a healthy or normal view of alcohol, I react when im in its company, I dont relax like people say they are drinking for. It has a powerful effect and when i see certain people, family, under the influence, I want to run, I change, im quiet, I cant share myself, im on edge, waiting to flight or fight. So no way do I want to be there. The care and love you are looking for is in you and your higher power, In my experience there arent any shortcuts to this.x

tortuga · Senior Member

'The did later get pissed because I wasn't doing what they were still doing. .. I came also to understand some of the dynamics of the justifications for remaining in sick and life threatening relationship using my own fearful negative emotions and faulty rules to stay there. Guilt was one of those emotions'
Jerry, your words resonate so much within meI didn't understand for long, very loooong what was going on. i was mostly confused and felt lonely most of the time a s a child, teenager, grown-up. looking for the right tools to deal with it, without destroying myself. I am coming closer to the tools that work for me but I admit I was mostly scared when I found out more and more on how the dynamics workit seems the more understanding I acquire, the more I have to let goof family, which in my own idea are supposed to be closed. but I'm growing up, sad at first, but with the possible outlook of a happier Me. So I'm walking on, open mind, open heart.

elcee, this: 'It has a powerful effect and when i see certain people, family, under the influence, I want to run, I change, im quiet, I cant share myself, im on edge, waiting to flight or fight. So no way do I want to be there. ' is exactly describing what is happening with me at the moment, or since I learned more on the effects of alcohol. we have all been damaged. Some choose to stay, some choose to walk away and change. since I cannot stay, unless I loose my sanity, I will change..slowly. i cannot look back, go backi understand too much, and this knowledge pushed me forward. I am tired to have anger, frustration, negativity, blame and guilt in my life. It is all too depressing. life can be lighter, I've seen already glimpses of that.
Thanks for sharing with me, and supporting hope on my path.
love you all!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You are deeply loved also, cheered for and supported. For me watching it has been like watching a flower bloom and I do love to watch flowers bloom. It is much of what I do. Thanks for the experiences of your work T...so much. (((((Hugs))))) smile

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