New and finally reaching out - Al-Anon Family Group

MindyC · Member

New and finally reaching out

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It is sad, but until they really want to quit and live a new life, they will bounce from well meaning enabler to enabler until options run out. Rehab is a good option if he has insurance. But even then, many use it for a bed and because they have no other options.

Step up your alanon participation and pray, pray, pray... It sucks to be so powerless. The alcoholic addict is so familiar with self-sabotage and lying and it is so against their grain to step up, be responsible, and consistently do the right thing. They have zero faith in self and usually zero faith in any power greater then themselves, so when any adversity hits, they tantrum, drink, lie, and act out. It will happen until he has some sort of spiritual awakening - whether through AA, NA...church...whatever...

For you, the letting go process is SO challenging. It is your baby...even though he's a grown up wrecking ball of self-sabotage which also overflows to sabotaging you, your family, and anything in his path. Alanon is the best support for you that I know of. I have also heard of a site called the addictsmom.com and, while not alanon, it is also support but specifically for parents in this situation. Maybe worth checking out.

I tried the link but it didn't work...I will paste it here http://addictsmom.com/

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 12th of July 2014 08:24:32 AM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 12th of July 2014 08:26:03 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Mindy. I can relate to all that you are saying. My son had lots of difficulties at birth and beyond it. Later, he was purposely hit by an out of control teen in his truck and ended up in a coma with brain damage that affected his cognitive skills, etc. He looks great physically. Nobody would know by looking at him that he is brain damaged. He lived with his Dad during his high school years against my desire for him and until his Dad died. He was in his mid-20s when he came to live with me. By then, he was an angry addict/alcoholic. I, too, had to struggle with letting him go because I had to let him go not just for his sake but for my sake, my daughter's and my young grandson's sake. He was behaving just as you and PC describe. No matter what I did or didn't do, my son resisted any type of real help. I went for help with a psychologist who was also certified and skilled in dealing with individuals and families affected by alcoholism and drug addiction. He helped me see that although my son had physical disabilities, unless he chose sobriety for himself, nothing would change for him. It broke my heart and still breaks my heart but I also experienced my son when he was working a program. He made a lot of progress and then got involved with an AA sponsor on a physical level and stopped working the program saying it didn't work for him and he didn't need it. It was as if all the progress he had made when truly working the program was blanked out. I learned that I could not and would not ever be his HP. I recognized that my son could have died at many different times in his life and didn't. I owe that to his stubborn tenacity and his HP. I can love my son. I can pray for my son. I can trust his HP with him. And the best help I can give him is to take good care of myself, continue the Al-Anon program with the help of a good sponsor, and do things I love to do. He may never recover. He may not be able to continue his mortal life to old age. But, I know I have truly done all I can do to love and encourage and understand my son and this crippling disease. The rest is up to him and his HP. I am totally powerless over him, his disease and the consequences of that disease and his choices. But I am not powerless over changing what I can for me and surrendering what I want for my son and just letting be what is. Please keep coming back and attending Al-Anon. Those choices will make a huge difference for you.

MindyC · Member

Pink Chip and Grateful,

Thank you so much for your responses,

Both your responses truly touched my heart I have been feeling so isolated and alone through this whole mess. Feeling like a burden to my parents and family for the calls and the pleading with them to help me help him. And they have my daughter let him live with her for 2 years and my parents and I have supported him monetarily. As well as giving him a place to stay in and out of the dramas of his life. My daughter told me yesterday. Mom I love you and I love my brother but I am at a point where I am going to have to shut off .. That was a eye opener to me that not only is he effecting me but everyone else. I have looked up meeting places online for Al-Anon and am hoping that the dates and places are current and will be attending my first meeting Friday. I know too that he may have a long road to get to the place where he finally realizes he needs help. But I am at my wits end, struggling to pay off the debt that i have accumulated helping him and my stress level being in the red all the time ... I know I need to step back, pray and let him follow his own path in life. I am hoping that each day mends the devastating broken heart I have and the tears flow less. Right now I feel like I have abandoned him. and it hurts so bad. Again thank you guys for your kind words and I will be working on healing what I have left of myself. PS whats a PH?

Again Thank you Mindy

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Mindy Coming here is one of the best things you can do right now so keep coming back.

I just want to say you don't have to turn your back on your son. What you can do is let go, set boundaries and take care of you. You can love him and give him the gift of letting him experience the true nature of his choices. One of the best ways for someone to learn is by giving them the dignity of working it out on their own.

It's not easy to watch sometimes so that is why it's stressed for us to attend Al-anon and start taking care of us and learning our part in this madness.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

As the father of a alcoholic/addict son, 32 years old, I have to ditto what has already been said. I couldn't expect my adult child to stop acting like a child, until I stopped treating him like one and let him find his own way with dignity, and find his own solutions. I can love him without enabling him, without rescuing him, without fixing everything for him. I can let him become a adult, and learn what he needs to learn, even if that means letting him go through the school of hard knocks. I had to stop providing him with a place to stay, or covering for his irresponsibility. I had to start being honest with myself, and admit that he would be better served turned over to the care of God, than taken in under my care. It hurts to see him doing what he is doing, but I have faith that it is only through this process he will actually become teachable, not by me, but by life.

John

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I do not have an A child but the pain you all go thru who do is so debilitating.

"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew volume one is a great place to start.It will teach you so many truths.

As a parent who is extremely nurturing it is hard to accept we have to let them go, that to keep them in our sites and control only makes things worse.

Just like when they walk, they have to fall down and get up with out us to learn.

this does not change as they grow up. they are homeless? ok allow them to figure it out and not be! they are hungry? Let them figure out if they don't go to work they don't eat.

If they are cold, in jail whatever, they have to take care of it themselves, if we intervene we take away something so valuable to them.

Plus do you want a sixty year old still depending on you cuz mom is always there????

We don't do them any favors babying them. he is sick, he knows this, He also knows what he has to do.

allow him the dignity to grow up and figure it out!

You found a great home here! come back!

MindyC · Member

I just want to take a moment to thank you all .... The first day of realizing you have to let go and put it in HP hands and not your own is the hardest ... Reading through some of the post I realized also that maybe not only is my son the one with a problem but also me. I need to learn to change some things about myself and not be so easily swayed to be a enabler. I am only human and not able to "FIX" his problems. John I believe you put it best " I can not expect my adult child to stop acting like a child, until I stopped treating him like one" That one statement was a eye opener for me ..... I never even thought of it in those terms .... And what a true statement. I have been treating him like the little boy that was always needing a band-aid or a hospital trip ...Debilyn ...... Your are also right I am a extremely nurturing and protective parent I have had to be being a single mom and it is so hard to say and do the actions it takes to step away and be only there for them in prayer and encouragement. But you all are right and I know this deep down that the only good I can do for him is to let go and pray when he falls down.. Cheer when he makes steps to the empower himself and his life. Knowing that having a group like this and also the face to face weekly meetings I am praying will make me strong enough to continue giving him the space he needs to grow as an adult and learn that all his actions be it good ones or bad ones have a outcome. I just want to thank everyone for the warm welcome and the supportive words on my first day of being an Ex- enabler

HUGS Mindy

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi mindy, your story is similar to mine. I asked my son to leave my home last year. His drinking was having a huge impact on my family. Hes 21 and he has been out of control for the last 5 years. I learned through alanon that I was his enabler, we were stuck in a unhealthy, codependant relationship. We got stuck in a pattern of behaviours. He would get drunk create drama, I would fix it, minimise it play the victim role, I took full responsibility. In alanon I learned about these roles I was playing, I was contributing to the chaos, I learned other ways to deal with it. I detached from my son, I wont live with him. I have myself and a youger son to think of. I try to make decisions for the majority rather than have the whole world revolve around this son.

I, too got everyone involved, I thought others should be helping me, but noone can, this is yours to deal with. It is your unhealthy relationship but you can make it healthy again. He needs to be put back in his place, it sounds harsh but right now he thinks he is special and helpless and needs saving, he has little self respect, he thinks the world owes him and he has no responsibilities to anyone including himself. No one can live a decent life with this warped sense of the world. I had to make changes. I began saying what I mean without saying it mean. I said no and meant it. I stopped giving him telling offs, I realised this was letting him off the hook, he felt justified to behave badly again. I stopped judging him, if he chose to live this way then he, like everyone else I this world, would have to live with the natural consequences, no more running and fixing. I detached with love, so I took my eyes off him and started living my own life, I rea,ised I was using him so that I didnt need to put effort into my self, I could check out of life because I was a poor soul who had this wayward son to look after. I stopped expe ting anything realky, I got off his back about everything. I set boundaries and of course he pushed them so I put him out my home, it was hard, very hard but he needed the consequences of his actions, so my fears and my own warped sense of what a mother is had to change.

Now, we have a much more equal relationship, he doesnt come first, he never should have. He has more respect for me and he knows that I wont bail him out anymore. Its a very difficult journey but it has been the journey that revealled myself to me and got me the help in alanon. I have a lot to thank m y son for. I love him and no less than any mother, but I love him in the appropriate way now, not the romantic notion that I had in my head. I wish you the best of luck.x

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Welcome to this message board. It's evident from your post that despite the present and past issues your son has experienced, you are exhibiting strength and self care in setting healthy boundaries for yourself and your home life. In person Alanon meetings can help with keeping the boundaries or updating them to the situation at hand. There's a great deal of emotional support to be had from attending Alanon and hearing others share about how they are working through similiar situations. Working the program can help with clear and healthy decision making and trusting in the choices you make as appropriate ones that honor you and respects your son's right to choose getting well or getting worse. Sometimes we need to be so unbearably uncomfortable before wanting help. We as family can sometimes minimize or deny what's happening or think we can control the situation. The same can be said for the substance abuser.

I hope you keep coming back to recover with us from the affects of living with alcoholism. You're already working Step 1 of the program and are offering loving support to your son by allowing him to seek the rewards of sobriety or suffer the consequences. No guilt. It isn't selfish to continue to take care of yourself and keep living your own life.

((hugs)) TT

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. This is a painful time and there is hope. I don't have much to add...keep coming back aww

intoit · Member

Mindy I'm in the exact same situation as you except for the added health issues. I have been going to meetings now and coming here when possible for only 4 months and it has helped enormously. The biggest thing I had to learn to accept was that his dad and I wanted things for him more than he did. This very attitude has helped us to enable him for years and we now have to accept that that was our part is his sickness and that we can't go back but believe me, we have STOPPED all enabling. He is now homeless and bouncing from one couch to the next. We are leaving on holidays tomorrow and instead of wishing us well and have a great time, he im'd me through facebook and only said - "and yeah, if you have any spare food to send my way before you leave I'd appreciate it lol" - so yes - it's going to be painful to have to respond "there's always the food bank" but it's the way it has to be

Never in my life would I have thought I'd have to say those words and many others I have to my own son - but here we are. My way didn't work so it's my HPower's way now.....

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