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Part of my dis-ease was the constant what ifs. The future terrified me before alanon. I couldnt live life or enjoy life as it happened, I was too busy worrying about tomorrow to take any notice of today.
Just for today is becoming clearer to me. Its important to my happiness and positive thinking because I can just stay here in the now, look around and for right now everything is okay so I can get on with living now. Even if a crisis occurs, I only need to deal with it within this one day, I dont need to make it into a huge lifelong problem that will take me to the land of depression. Does this make sense to you guys, of course it does most of you live this way now. Id love to hear what you think?
When I go into storytelling - negative or positive - I lose touch with myself and the reality of my life as it is. I still do it and I certainly don't do it as I once did. Being present in the now of my life helps me stay grounded, feet on the floor, head in today, calm and happy most of the time.
I literally try to squeeze the joy out of ever day if I can. My mind catastrophizes and it has from when I was a small child. My mother worries about everything and she passed that on to me. I literally have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and it will take the form of me worrying about EVERYTHING. You would not know it from all the work I have done in recovery the last 6 years. It has been the last piece of the puzzle that was missing (have seen therapists and been on meds). BUT, I drank and isolated to stop that catastrophic worrying and negative thinking and I was also relationship dependent on other broken people that could never meet my needs (as my needs were so immense and I couldn't meet theirs either). The 12 steps have given me a totally new way of processing the world which is so much healthier.
Little bits creep in now and then. For example, I will be with my partner or even when we were getting married and I have a thought "Why am I doing this? This is going to set me up for horrible heartbreak if he gets sick or dies or gets in an accident...or what if I wind up hurting him? What if I mess this all up?" Yeah...thoughts like that stop me from enjoying what is really the best time of my life.
It is at those times where I call "TIME OUT" and literally tell myself "none of that negative crap is happening today." Then I take note of what is happening, what I do have, and I thank my HP for the abundance.
I could never do that before. I could not stop that crazy, worried, negative, catastrophizing mess in my head. Now I can live in today and I know peace.
This is a great post and it hit me right in the face. I'm always thinking about the future. Will I be able to live when I retire. Will I be able to control my enabling and co-dependance with everyone in my life. I even have a hard taking the "TIME OUT" as PC says.
I know now it wasn't because of the A in my life ....I have always been this way but the A helped me recognize this defect. I think " have I ever been happy".....I don't know but I'm learning.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I'm very lucky elcee because projecting and worrying about what could possibly go wrong are fairly new experiences for me. I used to worry about things in my work environment but people paid me to do that! I did not have any problem switching off when I got home though. After a tough 7-8 years I'm perplexed by the change in my nature. It has also just occurred to me that since I no longer work in the same environment and I therefore have more time on my hands I might have transferred my 'problem solving' to my personal life. Anyway, sometimes I even find myself worrying about the fact that I live too much in the moment which must surely be a sign that there isn't much wrong. When I catch myself thinking negatively I ask myself 'what is wrong with this particular moment?' The answer is usually 'nothing'.
Your posts are always thought provoking for me, thank you elcee.
Yep I can relate all to well ... I have also been a worrier and what if person... I too have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder..My poor husband says I over analyze EVERYTHING .... I used to think that was a good trait in me but it sure does make for some really sleepless nights... Recently I have been trying to take one hour at a time when things are not seeming so chaotic and living in the moment .. even just a moment of peace seem like a godsend. I am hoping to turn those few hours of peace into a few days ... then a few weeks .... on to a few months and so on :)
Good post el-cee and it is showing your growth. You're working it so keep doing that. Living in the present is skill work and found in that last word at the end of step two...Sanity. Living in the past and the future is futile cause I can't change one and am blind to the next. Living in the present is where we are at and where everything and anything that relates to my life is happening. We had a bit of a discussion about this at the morning meeting; about being able to change our present anytime we want if we needed to....what direction and power this program brings us to if we want to exercise it. "What iffing" my sponsor taught me that in order to keep balance in my life (mind, body, spirit and emotions) for every time I "What iffed I would also have to do a What if not". Both are about guessing and attempting to tell the future which we are not able to do in our present state of being affected by our dis-ease. As we recovery and continue to practice this way of living we get more assurances that our lives will continue to be better because they have altered toward that way. I like the present...Its what's happening now which is where I am at. (((((hugs)))))
LC Great awareness and clarity on the simple idea of living in the moment and in the day. Although I did not realize it, before alanon, I was never in the moment, in the day . I thought it very normal to think of the future and project or fantasize , or dwell on the joy or pain of the past, I was rarely" present " to the moment., as I did not have the tools nor the disciple to be so, My conversations were about the past, gossip or judgements of others. My friends all did the same .
Thank you alanon for giving me the little gems called "slogans" that I could grab on to when I was jumping into my old habit of living in the past. Keeping the focus on my thoughts, I was able to become aware of when I was thinking and was able to let and let go and let and let live with less difficulity.more . I really like the slogan Live and let live. I had very little difficulty letting others live---Living myself was a challenge. That meant I needed to be present, not react,but act and take care of myself in a constructive manner, Today I never visit the past unless to share an experience that might help another and my" futurizing" is limited to what plans I will make for vacations.:)
The "Just For Today" Bookmark was and is a great tool to accomplish this.
Ah yes, the future tripping, I think that can be called my favorite pastime or hobby. I do it so well, I've thought about making it a career, LOL. Ok, I'm joking, but I know that I've done it so well for so long that it's such a difficult habit to change. I do well at staying in the moment when I'm doing something fun or when I'm truly distracted but most of the time I find my mind wandering to the what if's on a very regular basis. Like Betty said, we need to be present and NOT REACT. That is huge for me and I am currently working on responding instead of reacting or sometimes I choose to not respond at all. Learning, in program, that I don't need to be right or prove that I'm right has really helped. If my truth is what works for me and what I know to be true in reality, then I don't need to argue it or get all worked up about it.
I still spend a lot of time worrying about the future, but I've found that I spend far less time than I used to in thinking and ruminating over the past. One day at a time, in program. Thank you, El Cee, for this thread!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
This is not easy for me...I have an active, restless mind, often creating something in my head, planning the next project and all that goes with it. Then when I am in my studio, I am totally present in the moment (for hours) and I can forget to take something out for dinner, do laundry, etc. Just last week, I found myself without clothes that I needed and an overdraft at the bank. Then this weekend we were visiting with our daughters family and our little grandbabies and I found myself drifting into the "what if something happens to these little ones, how devastating it would be for my daughter, etc, etc." So, now I am home reading this poignant post and saying "thank you Elcee" for this reminder
Just for Today, and the three C's have changed my life through Alanon. They are managable, and I can do that.
Due to my living situation, and getting worse by the day, I have put a few things in place for protection such as securing my son's college fund in a separate bank, and having some emergency funds in case I have to leave. (All under the advice of an atty so I am not just making it up, and making sure I am doing what is legao). But, they are not "panic" decisions. Just common sense. I have done a little research of areas I might move to as far as cost of living, job market, etc. It would be just me and my son so I am sure I would move closer to the college he attends, if I decide to leave, some day. None of these things are done in fear, or in the mode of worry. This is reality 101. I am done dreaming of some pie in the sky miracle and the man I married is going to miraculously appear out of nowhere. These things are just plan B. Plan A is stay. Plan B is leave. If I were 20, I would just pack a bag and find a couch to sleep on. But, at 50, with a dependent son, I am a little too comfortable to do that. Sure, my two bff's have an open door policy for me, but I could not "live" there for long. That would be very awkward for me. :) So, as I trust in my HP, and work my program, now and then I just put something in place to protect me and my son so we can get housing and eat if that day comes. My hope is that it is all unnecessary, but if not then I am not caught in the headlights.
I have read too many stories of people fleeing in the middle of the night w/ not much more than their purse. If I leave, it will be with all my belongings, never to return. I understand that in some cases, that is just what it is. I know I can't plan my future, but I don't want to be a sitting duck at the mercy of a crazy A. I live with an A; I am not in denial about that. It is most likely not going to get better. So, if I get to where I can't live this way, I want to have options.
Thanks for the share, and for the reminder of LIVE FOR TODAY, in the present. I say that throughout the day, and it is my serenity.
