There is something called 13 stepping in AA and yes, it is something that does happen. Is it healthy? No. Is it advised against? Yes. Do some listen? No.

"I am your wife. I don't like this relationship you have developed with another woman. It is disrespectful to me and to our children. If you value our marriage, then please make friends with men and drop this type of relationship with a woman from your recovery program." Suggested conversation opening.

Trust your gut here. What doesn't smell right, feel right or look right - isn't right for you.

I can so relate. Mine started aa almost 3 years ago after being dry for 27 years. He started helping
The girl across the street who was an A but couldn't get sober or stay in aa because she felt their judgements. He
Was her big hero, others had failed with helping her stay sober. He told me he was going to help her
Wether i liked it or not. They texted,talked on phone did things together right in front of me with no
Concerns for me or my feelings. She said she kept asking him if i was ok with this and he said she fine. I wasnt
Fine. Big show down i went to my divorce lawyer then situation changed somewhat, they more or
Less went underground. Eventually everything petered out and i am still here but at what price. I
Lost my trust, faith and marital bond with his emotional affair(relationship) he called it helping her.
Of course she was needy, funny, pretty, thin, smart,younger but an a with problems. He loved the hero
Worship. AA frowns on male - female sponsorship but it does happen. Boundaries are great if you
Can enforce them. Mine chose to not get/care what he was doing was wrong and hurtful. What there
Was of our marriage was destroyed during his first 6 months in aa. I am not blaming aa it is my husband
I blame. Things still are not good between us. Yes i attend alanon .

I appreciate all the advice, and no, I am not attending any meetings. It just hurts so deeply, it's so painful to know that for the last 10+ years I have been the one to bail him out, carry the family burdens, respond to his middle of the night calls, suicide attempts, lose my sanity, lose myself, be his rescuer and this is what I get when he is out of treatment? It's such a slap in the face, such a betrayal... My heart hurts so deeply and the anger is over flowing. Is this what I'm worth? I asked him to prove he is serious about us, about his sobriety, and he can only give me half when I have given 120%! He keeps turning this on me, saying that I didn't even want him anymore, that I should have accepted him right away. He came back sober and I should have welcomed him with open arms, pretty much. What about my pain? How do I deal with all of the anger, hurt, mistrust, neglect and emotional absence from all these years? Am I wrong for not jumping in to this marriage full force?

 

 

 

Sunrise you're hurting and you're afraid and angry and handling it all from a position of weakness.  Anger and Rage isn't a sign of strength...just the opposite.  Can't explain him or the disease and shouldn't attempt to.  The anger, rage, hurt, confusion, pain and more...that I can explain from my shoes and would rather say that after time it all became temporary and then optional if and when I wanted to dabble in it.  What was most important for me was finding the doors to the Al-Anon Family Groups and hearing "If you keep and open mind you will find help"   Finding help was the first fulfilled promise of the program for me.   I needed help and I found it there.   If you are not going and networking with others face to face who share the same experiences that the outcome is predictable   "If nothing changes, nothing changes" with us.  My spouse has gone thru this before we met and by choice will go thru it again if she chooses.  The fear mostly is the trigger and the practice of nothing changes.  It is optional and temporary and still a choice.  I wish for different for you and am in support.   ((((hugs))))

No it's not normal. Nothing about early recovery is normal for them or for us and from personal experience I still have my bouts of insanity even with years of recovery. Your husband is acting out. This isn't exclusive to alcoholics, we in alanon do this too. We think we've found someone who "understands" us but the attraction I think rests in the fact that we share the same disease. There can be false sense of assurance that we haven't failed others that we love because this new person is immediately accepting us as we are so this must be "proof" that we are not the problem, the others are.  The answer isn't in this other person in program. The answer is in the 12 steps and working them with a sponsor and higher power.  A newly sober person or person in alanon for that matter who is trying to find emotional balance can't make that progress until they choose to make that their number one priority.  People in aa who are working a program will say, my sobriety comes first. In alanon our sanity comes first. Meetings do help. Every day if you need to, you will hear your story over and over again but also witness recovery, serenity, laughter and great unconditional love from people just like yourself trying to hold onto their families yet not lose themself in the process. You're worth it.

Also, please don't get sucked into feeling to blame that you didn't accept him with "open arms" immediately.  You don't owe him a quick fix.  You owe yourself a chance to recover whether he is or not.  Your sanity doesn't need to be dictated by his behavior but you'll need support to feel that inside.  I know it hurts your heart but you can maintain your dignity by not reacting to it and just going out to an Alanon meeting instead. You deserve more serenity. ((hugs))  TT

No - It is absolutely not normal or advised for this to happen in AA. I also wanted to advise that Rehab and AA are two different things. The amount of hooking up that goes on in rehab is RIDICULOUS having worked as a counselor in that environment. We would discourage the rehab couplings, but there wasn't much we could do. People in rehab are out of their family environments. They are there 24 hours a day. They are sometimes sneaky about the relationships and we don't kick them out of rehab unless they are actually caught having sex.  All of their husbands/wives are unhappy with them to a degree and rightfully so and there they find someone that accepts them just the way they are.  I can see why it happens but it's totally unhealthy.  The degree it happens inside actual AA is usually not that common because of the feedback they would get from AA elders about it.  That feedback is not as pronounced in rehab, much as we tried.  It seems the culture of rehab is almost to have these silly affairs.  That's not the culture of AA as much but it does happen.

If this was just from AA, I GUARANTEE both his and her sponsor would have something to say about it. They are both silly newcomers that don't know squat about sobriety and how to act and what they need. What he NEEDS is a male sponsor in AA to set him straight and refocus him on sobriety rather than this emotional affair which both of them are engaging in so they don't have to work on themselves and real life and their issues. Of course the expecting you to be all "open and supportive" the second he walks in the door... Again, if he had a sponsor with some good sobriety, they'd be telling him to man up and prove himself rather than make king baby alcoholic demands which is still drunk behavior and not sober behavior.

SO....what is see is a newly sober person who is cosigning his own bullcrap and trying to feed it to himself, this girl, and you. If he wants to stay sober, he'd be far better off getting a wise old sponsor and getting their feedback on all this nonsense, but I suspect he doesn't want that feedback. The person who sponsors himself has a fool for a sponsor and that is what I see going on here.

Another one I picked up for having relationships from rehab:

RELATIONSHIP (from rehab stands for)- Real Exciting Love Affair Turns Into Outrageous Nightmare Sobriety Hangs In Peril.

So....If it were me...and if I didn't see him getting a male sponsor and honestly working on himself in short order, I would pretty much expect a relapse or ongoing lying dry drunk ego driven behaviors at the least.

I say all this from being in AA and knowing how it "should" work but also having worked as a counselor in Rehab and seeing how these couplings happen...and why and they way unhealthy people are drawn together like that. And people resist actual AA and the suggestions and getting a sponsor and then try and sell garbage to their wives/husbands about "recovery" when they don't know their head from their ass regarding real recovery as they are straight out of rehab.

Aside from this, you have gotten wonderful feedback above from alanon members. This support is invaluable to you. It's not fair or right to endure what you have and to be dealing with a person whose selfishness and self-centeredness is so outrageous. Alanon is a place where you can gain support and SANE feedback about the insane behaviors and reactions of the disease of alcoholism. I urge you to attend.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 12th of July 2014 07:34:42 AM

(((SR)))

You know when my ex started in recovery he was very nice enought to let me know about the 13 step and what it was all about in his eyes it was part of new beginning new growth he stated and asked my permission to go ahead with this other female and do couple things since I WAS SICK UNHEALTHY AND VERY SELFISH BECAUSE THATS WHAT OUR FELLOWSHIP TEACHES US. . That it begins with me not him like he thought . Well it hurt to know he asked this since in the past he did his cheating . I looked at him and say Hun you do what you need to do , if you feel that need of comfort to help you get sober or keep you on track since I'm not up to speed in my program then have at it . I don't know what's right for you that's your choice , I'm not going to give you permission so later on it can tossed in my face ' your adult you think about what your asking and think about if I we're to ask you the same question and how you would answer it , then you should have your answer and I said in the future please do not tell me everything I don't want to no what your doing it's not that I don't care but it takes me off my track and interferes with my recovery . . Plus anyways there program for what I know because I been to some of there meetings to see how there fellowship works and I have to say they have a great supported team . But getting mixed up in a new recovery will end up in a spiral down fall . Not everybody falls off the wagon but the chances are great . Now for us I'm not sure if we have a 13 step ? I know I made some male friends and that's all they are but again I know my limits my boudarys and I know I'm there for support that's it's . I could not handle a extra plate . I think you should totally focus on you !! I am free now I'm divorced and right there got rid of to plates of bs I didn't need to Carry anymore.. Now I can give all my healing on me all my focus on me and not have to here that I'm selfish anymore because both fellowships are a selfish program it has to be at first and it helps the healing process . So please draw a blank about what he is doing it's not your problem it's his , your only problem is you and you getting better . Don't give your energy your time to focus on what he is doing because if you do then he wins . TRUST ME WHAT WVER IS IN HIS BRAIN AND WHAT HE DOING you want no part of . It's starts with you and ends with you .