Just so tired.. had enough of this - Al-Anon Family Group

Sean_82 · Member

Just so tired.. had enough of this

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex got sober fro around 6 years and it wasnt a great time either. He was still an alcoholic, just a sober one. The isms were still there, the I, self, me. He was still immature and self centred and with all the underlying symptoms of which alcoholism was only 1 symptom.
You cant force her into aa to begin recovering but you can get yourself into recovery. Alanon is for people affected by alcoholism. Just as alcoholism has symptoms so to do the people who live with it. I wasnt long In recovery when I started changing things in my life, setting boundaries, detaching with love from other peoples issues, taking care of myself. Face to face meetings are well worth the effort.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Sean I hear you and so understand the resentment. Once I found the Serenity that alanon offered, I was determined never to surrender it to anyone or to allow anyone to take it from me. In the midst of the chaos you describe, I found that I had to really increase the focus on myself, in order to survive. I increased alanon meetings during that time, more alanon calls, reworking the Steps, making alanon calls, reminding myself not to get too: hungry, angry, lonely or tired and making daily gratitude and asset lists, helped tremendously.
Keep coming back here as well You are worth it .

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. I, too, highly recommend the al-Anon program as a place to go for you - and just you. It will help you discover where you begin and your partner ends. I know you say you can't make a meeting and although I don't know the reason for this I do know we have on-line meetings here twice a day. I hope you can make those meetings.

Sean_82 · Member

Thanks for the replies and "...was still an alcoholic, just a sober one." hits the nail on the head. I've been to meetings over the years but often forget how much I need them and so only go back in the dark times but I know I need regular meetings to stay healthy.

The recurring thought is always why should I bother, do I need this and her in my life.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sean I hear you and just wanted to say that I did need alanon even after the alcoholic was no longer in my life. Living with the disease , I had developed many negative coping tools that hurt me.

Alanon meetings and tools gave me the opportunity to let go of my negative attitudes and replace them with constructive positive attitudes filled with my self esteem and my self worth.

Keep coming back You are worth it

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Sean,

I can completely relate to what you are saying. Doing something special for myself every single day helps me to rise above AH's depressive moods. If he gets downright rude then I seek out something equally positive to give myself a treat. At the moment I think I might be owed a holiday! I wasn't really aware of it but even before his drinking started I can see that I needed to get away from time to time - there is only so much negativity that we can live with. I came across a wonderful book of cartoon illustrations called Living With a Black Dog that has helped me to see the situation with some humour and compassion. It also helped me to explain to AH why I needed my own space from time to time. Sometimes it is like living next to a black hole!

What I love about the alanon programme is its focus on positivity and valuing our own lives and our own energy. It is also filled with caring generous people (even if we are trying not to be

) so for me it is a safe environment to refuel.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Sean,

I wasn't in AlAnon until after my AW was in recovery. Its one of the best things I have ever done for me, her, and us. It helped me recognize my anger towards her (part of my part in it) and realize that I was so depressed that I thought all my choices were gone. Now I know I have choices and can feel like j make much better decisions.

Keep coming back
Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I still have to deal with the bouts of depression, manipulation, resentment etc etc the mood of the our family home (we've two young kids) is governed by how she feels.

This is what sorta got me. have to deal. Ok how do you deal? Do you grab the kids and say lets go for ice cream, or go visit a friend. Make cookies, whatever. She can be whatever she is but you do not have to play.

I felt I allowed his disease to run my life. Then when al anon came along I realized and learned I can do nothing about it, so why even bother with it. So I didn't. I made my own life happy. Also when I didn't live with him I would not allow him to see the kids. they do not need to be around that disease and its symptoms.

Hey they love to pull us down. then they think it is ok for them to be. they start saying we are crazy, we make them sick,we make them drink. blah blah.

It is really up to you. We do have meetings here in the chat room. The message board here is super active.Our lives do not have to be dictated by their disease. Let them go into the pit alone....then drop your rock in.....

Meaning send all that pain, resentment, etc into the pit.drop that heavy rock of yuck

slowlearner · Veteran Member

I like this conversation. I have allowed my AH disease to run my life, I waited for him and took care of him. The enabler in me tried to please him and make him happy so he would stop drinking. Guess what - that never happened and I've just grown unhappier over the years. I like Debilyn's saying of let them go into the pit alone, I don't have to follow nor do I have to try to cheer him up or make him feel better. He's a grown man with his own choices. And I'm a grown woman who can make her own choices too. That's freeing. Now I have to remember what I like to do because I haven't done what I like in a long time. I like riding horse, I like flowers, I like going for drives and discovering new roads. And I don't want his blackness next to me - his negativity that sucks the life out of things. They do love to bring us down to their level. I'm slowing learning to stand up on my own and not be the doormat. Thanks to Alanon.

Sean_82 · Member

Hi all

Amazing feedback, I got some great posts on Friday when I 1st posted, but have only just logged back in and is so reassuring that I'm not going mad, the funny thing is I knew most of the above by going to meetings a year or so back but it's so easy to forget, get out of practice. So many phrases and points I can relate to that have helped to clear the oppressive mist of my AW.

The sun is shining, I've two wonderful kids and a whole network of people that understand and care both online and offline - thank you all.

I'll be back :)

NL14 · Veteran Member

Hi Sean, and welcome. Dealing with depression and manipulation is so difficult. I have a lot of resentment about it toosome of that is that my AH doesn't see AT ALL how his depression over the last 24 years might have hurt me. It's all about him. I'm learning that this is part of the disease. And that I have to separate my feelings from his; I don't have to "catch" his depression. I'm not depressive. I'm happy and strong and gifted with an amazing life and beautiful children (like you!) and I don't have to forget that.

But, it's not always easy. Al-anon does help. I hope you'll be back.

Sean_82 · Member

Understanding that I don't have to catch her depression is hard but letting the resentment go is the hardest of all.

Thank you

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sean

Resentment is just poison that you are subjecting yourself to in order to punish her. I should know, I lived with it for quite awhile. It just wasn't worth it. The only thing to change resentment is becoming aware that the situation is real, accepting that it is real and could be change, then taking action on it. it's up to you as to what that action is, that is part of your self-discovery.

Kenny

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Totally agreeing with everyone here. My AH has been working on sobriety and going to AA for the past 5 weeks but he's still the same and seemingly depressed now, too. He doesn't have alcohol to use a crutch so he has to face what and who he is. I've worked my own steps in Al Anon and I know how hard it is to start working sobriety. Getting back to meetings might give you the solution for yourself and might help you find the freedom you are looking for whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Keep coming back!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.