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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Getting slightly anxious now. We need to go to a wedding and vacation...
Post Info TOPIC: Getting slightly anxious now. We need to go to a wedding and vacation...
Luiza


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Getting slightly anxious now. We need to go to a wedding and vacation...
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Before I discovered this amazing program, I had already committed to go to a Wedding of a special friend and a Vacation with H's family.

It is all happening in August so we have few weeks to go. So I am now thinking about it more and more.

H asked me the the other day to tex him the exactly days of the vacation so I did, and included the wedding day too so he HAS to book the time off work with his employer.

I know he will get time off for the vacation for sure.

But I am worried he will find an excuse not to go to the wedding...should I ask him again?

The person I was before would ask everyday and nag and remember him how important it is for the couple and how the bride who is our friend is expecting him to be there and blahblahblah...the groom too is looking forward to see him as H never makes an effort to meet up and they never met each other. It is a very selective affair with just a few people invited to stay throughout the day from the ceremony, to dinner and party afterwards, etc and as H told me to confirm his presence, it was all arranged and paid for counting on him, so I am worried he will decide not to go, the couple will waste their money and could actually have invited someone else instead of him... I will be there embarrassed and trying to find excuses for H which will be just stupid. Also there is the problem of him getting actually drunk at the wedding... but here where I live it is seen as "normal" at weddings...also it is close to home, if the worse happens, I can get a taxi and leave.

Regarding the holidays: I will take my Al-Anon books to read in the mornings or in crisis, the front covers are covered with a neutral paper and no one will know what I am reading. I am now looking for a 'novel' or any other book that is within the subject without being so direct, and will keep me focused and I can keep reading throughout the day. I hope you know what I mean and I am making sense. I am sure nosy people will ask what I am reading and perhaps even try to have a look, but I just don't want to have a full blown conversation about the whole issue. And I don't want them knowing my business just now. They are all in denial...what is wrong with having a few drinks, kind of attitude.

 

 



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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
grateful2be


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You can ask again and he could say yes and still not go when the time comes. I've learned that if I turn an event or the day or the future into my HP's hands asking that S/He/It help me make it a positive experience for me, I can relax and let be.

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Debilyn


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So he "told" you to tell them he would be present? huh? ok my way would be to say, no I would rather not, you are very welcome to let them know yourself. then if he does not show it is on him.

Also I learned I never have to be embarrassed by any one else's behavior. I am an adult and only answer for my own. What energy it must take to feel others emotions that are their own.

He is going to do what he is. As far as money disappointment etc. Believe me I bet the couple is more into their being together than worrying about him.

As we become more sure of ourselves, we don't enter into the A diseases game or even the non A's games It's not our problem at all. They are an individual and answer to themselves.

I mean I felt sad for my A when he was playing music and singing at the end there, jumped or something and fell on his face on stage. But I sure did not feel it was anything to do with me.

My self is enough for me to contend with!!! its exhausting in itself! hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Jerry F


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That (what Deb suggested) putting it back into his lap is a growth indicator.  It would be for me a demonstration of enabling/helping on my part and a learning experience too. I was triggered into memories in early Al-Anon when I was learning how not to project into the future especially when projection practice was usually doom and gloom negative stuff.  I worked hard at stopping my fortune telling and garage sold my crystal ball (metaphor).  I was hell to live with even for myself when I projected so I stopped it.  Stay in the moment...Just for Today...One Day at a Time...Easy Does it.    Keep coming back.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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el-cee


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I think this is a brilliant opportunity to practice detachment. This couple invited you both, your part of the deal is you, you are not him, nor are you responsible for him, hes a seperate person. I know this sounds obvious but this was where my problem lay. I thought as a couple we were one really, he was an extension of me, his actions were my responsibilities. This is not a healthy view, for me this was my compulsion, blame and shame thing.

Your husband is an a and alcoholics are flaky and irresponsible. The couple invited him. If they know him well they have probably planned for him not showing anyway and invited him to be polite.

After 2 years in alanon I would attend the wedding and enjoy myself regardless if hes there or not. If he doesnt show up I would not make any excuses for him. If they ask where he is I would tell the truth, I wouldnt apologise, its not yours to fix. If he asks you to lie about his wherabouts I would say no, make your own excuses. Lying, covering up is enabling and allows him to sink further into his disease.

Keep your head high, you have shown up, you are not to blame for anyones actions but your own, how free is that?

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Luiza


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''''So he "told" you to tell them he would be present?'''

Yes we were invited as a family, the couple had a new email address for the wedding and we had to reply to that address to say if we were coming. So I asked H if he was coming and he said yes, so I replied for both of us.

Daughter and myself are coming, even if H decides not to.

__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Getting slightly anxious now. We need to go to a wedding and vacation...