Newbie - Feeling less alone - Al-Anon Family Group

pwcpw · Newbie

Newbie - Feeling less alone

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It is understandable that you would be so conflicted. I am sorry for your experiences of violence from someone you love. One time is too many times to be on the receiving end of violence. If you aren't attending al anon meetings, please do so for you. After some time, the confusion will give way to clarity as to how you would like to live the rest of your life. Keep coming back here, read through the posts, participate in the online meetings, post your thoughts, feelings and experiences. Perhaps we will talk again? big hug!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. Rather than looking at things from a wrong/right mindset, I've discovered that looking at things from "what is the most loving thing for me to do" standpoint helps me make choices that honor love. Abusive behaviors are not loving and neither is the disease of alcoholism. You are responsible for yourself. He is responsible for himself. No matter what our faith tradition might be, there is nothing that ever says stay with an abusive person for as long as you both shall live. Divorce and separation are two different things. He is on a downward spiral as the disease progresses. Your staying or leaving cannot make or break him. We just aren't that powerful. But the disease likes for us to believe that so that neither of us will get the help we need. If you aren't in Al-Anon, you can find a meeting in your area by checking on-line at our World Service Office of Al-Anon for meetings in your area or by checking for a local group in your area on-line or in your telephone book. If you can't find that information that way, AA will also be listed and somebody at the local Alcoholics Anonymous level would probably know how to help you get in touch with an Al-Anon group for families and friends of an A. We also have on-line meetings here.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I urge you to try alanon. I also caution you to not tell your child that they called the police "too soon." That was a courageous move on your child's part and should be treated as such. More likely, (and don't take this personally because it's a pattern we all have in Alanon) is that you under-react to his behaviors and domestic violence and don't make a big enough deal of them. He should have been arrested and the police called the 1st time. That just stuck out, because I know if you think it, he thinks it, and your child has probably been told he call the police to soon. Not fair expectations on a child (teen or young adult) dealing with their drunk/violent parent.

Alanon will give you some clarity on this whole picture. It might seem confusing at first because Alanon is about you and people often come in wondering why they are doing work on themselves when it is the alcoholic/qualifier that really has the problem. BUT - the problem is that your lives are so intertwined and often we define ourselves, our identity, our future upon our qualifier and alanon does help untangle that and get you feeling more hopeful and capable of handling YOUR OWN stuff without owning their illness and problems. It helps you stop all the futile begging and pleading and just leave them to their consequences as best as possible. This frees you up to enjoy your life as much as possible despite your loved one having this disease.

From the standpoint for being in recovery and working in the recovery field, I would suggest he needs rehab at this point. He is showing signs of dependency that would make stopping on his own unsafe. With your religious background, I can tell you there are MANY MANY Christian based recovery programs/rehabs. That might be a good match for him based upon the background you describe (assuming religious means this and not orthodox jew or muslim but I could be assuming wrong and if I am I apologize). Also, Celbrate Recovery meetings are more Christian based than AA and Alanon. I know people that interweave both into their respective programs. Not sure if that is for you or not...but it might be.

Lastly, if you set a boundary of him needing to be in recovery and working on his sobriety or you will move out - you need to stick by that or he will not believe you or respect anything you say. That is not an ultimatum, as we are told ultimatums are ineffective. It is a boundary and something you would be doing for yourself to not have to live in the insanity of his active addiction again. In the process, he might have more incentive to enter into recovery or he might get even worse...we cannot predict where they will go and what they will do with their choices regarding recovery vs. not. There is a better shot at him choosing recovery when he knows people won't enable him (meaning you won't just sit there and plead forever while living with him).

Sorry you are going through this. Addiction is horrible.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Pwcpw
Welcome to Miracles in Progress I just wanted to add that having lived with the disease of alcoholism we can all identify with the confusion that comes from trying to decide the next "right action".

Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities.It is extremely important to break the isolations that is the result of living with the disease of alcoholism and connect with others who understand as few others can. The hot line # is in the white pages.

In alanon, we believe that alcoholism is a fatal, progressive disease over which we are powerless. Being powerless over the disease, and over another, means that we can take all the energy that we are expending on that person or issue, and use the energy to find constructive tools to rebuild our self esteem and self worth. When we take the time to practice the tools of the program, we find we can make decisions that support our dreams and desires, place principles above personalities and live with courage, serenity and wisdom .
Alanon tools such as: Living one day at a time, refusing to dwell in the past or the future, focusing on ourselves and our needs, meetings, sponsor, steps and slogans all combine to help to restore us .
Pease keep coming back you are worth it

pwcpw · Newbie

So after thinking my AH was heading in a good direction, we had a huge incident on Friday night. He got angry with me and decided to start drinking right after dinner -- he seems to think that is a punishment for me. We argued much of the evening and then when I tried to go to bed at 11 pm in a spare room he just couldn't leave the argument - coming into that room every few minutes - despite the fact that he was so drunk he could hardly stand up. About 1:30 am he finally slapped me and I called the police. My children said they were too afraid to sleep at home, so I went to the all night court and got an emergency protective order. I knew if I waited I might not go through with it. On Saturday he came to my daughter's ball game in the neighboring state even after I told him he should not and made a huge scene yelling at me. I called the police again. Since he had not been served the papers yet in our home state they couldn't arrest him and instead asked him to leave for disorderly conduct. Tuesday I went and got a longer order with a court date next Friday. I am sooooo praying that I am awarded it. It seems harsh that he would not be allowed to see his daughter for two years, but then I think about all the things he had done and said and how dangerous I think he potentially is. When he saw her Saturday, his comment was, "You left without saying goodbye to me? You don't love me" instead of "I'm so sorry I acted like that and kept you up until 1:30 in the morning." I just have to stay resolved. On some level I feel relieved that I have made the decision.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((PWCPW))))) Welcome to the board and the world of recovery. Everything here will be supporting if not also overwhelming which it mostly is to newcomers. I was a newcomer once so I know what you are going thru including the physical, mental, verbal and emotional assaults. That is normal in alcoholism and often very usual. You are in the right place and are being loved. Chances are very very good that neither you or your alcoholic/husband (2 characters in the same person) know much about the disease of alcoholism...it isn't a moral issue and a AMA (American Medical Association) recognized and defined disease. It is a hotrod has mentioned progressive...it only gets worse over time which explains the progressive nature of it in your own marriage. It never gets better and when he stops for a while and then continues it gets worse...all of it gets worse. He is in denial...he doesn't know anything about the disease and should be talking with recovering alcoholics those who have learned how to get and stay sober and for me the best of those are in AA. Your alcoholic can say he knows he has a problem and doesn't know just how large and life threatening (to him and to you and to the family and others) it is. He is in denial about doing it on his own. I thought I was a pretty smart person when I first reached the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups myself. I was born and raised in this disease I found out over time and only one piece of evidence was that I dated and married the women I drank with who were alcoholic and addict and over time I also learned that I was alcoholic myself...having a compulsion to drink and an allergy to it...the allergy manifests itself in the mind, the body, the spirit and emotions. Alcohol affects everything it comes into contact with. It is a mind and mood altering chemical. Does that statement make sense to you now? Is it not changing his mind and mood and threatening your life? I didn't know anything about alcoholism when I first got into recovery and doubt that I would have been able to even spell it. I didn't even know that I didn't know however the saving grace for me; the rooms where I learned were in Al-Anon with a fellowship that had/has the solutions to life affected by this disease. I am also a member of AA after discovering that I also am alcoholic....I know what your husband/alcoholic is going thru cause I've been there myself. I know that the chemical induces and supports the anger and rages and I know why it is easiest for him to blame and assault you and then you are changing that part by learning how to love yourself as much as you love him. Good for you acting out on the courage to change a thing you can...getting the order against him. You might be compelled to not go thru with it because of fear, guilt and shame. When and or if that happens come here and speak to us and listen to our own stories. That ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) will help a lot. You are not alone. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline for Al-Anon and call that number to find out where and when we get together in your area. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you have taken these steps to protect yourself and your children. Your AH is not being punished with a RO. You and your family are being protected from the progressive and dangerous nature of a disease that is hell bent on destroying all of you. It took courage to do what you did and it may very well serve to help you all in ways you might not see at first. Keep coming back here, attending Al-Anon meetings and you might also want to consider talking with Domestic Assault counselors. It is sad that your children are afraid to sleep in their own beds and I'm glad they are willing to tell you the truth about what they are thinking and feeling. You are also modeling for them the way to health and healing by refusing to allow anymore of his disease to control, intimidate and harm you. I've been there. I get it. I applaud your choice to move in the direction of self-care.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. Sounds like you did the right thing. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you did. Our children should be protected. That's what you did. And you are protecting yourself.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow. You have been very brave. Sounds like you have a good HP guiding you through this.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.