Doing the right thing? - Al-Anon Family Group

watts · Member

Doing the right thing?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Watts))))
This is a very difficult action that you are taking and you are doing great. Living with the disease of alcoholism, affects each and every person in the family. You are choosing to move out to allow yourself and your child to grow and thrive in a healthier environment .

Your self talk is understandable. I found that if I recited the serenity prayer over and over in my head, it quelled the noise and did give me additional courage, serenity and wisdom.

Connecting with others who truly understand will also help. Come here read, share ,search out face to face meetings and attend. Placing your principles above personalities, prayer, not projecting, living one day a at time will get you through this very hard experience.

Prayers and positive energy on the way

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Watts)))))

I've had that conversation with myself so many times, in fact I'll self talk my life away if I'm not careful. Sometimes we can think too much! I don't think that you sound like an idiot. In fact I think you sound like a very caring compassionate person. And I think that it sounds like you are doing just the right thing. Its a difficult time, so I hope that you can be gentle with yourself.

blessed · Senior Member

Not sure it this will help, but my former boss, a Pastor, used to take us to the end of our "worry". This is a real conversation that I had w/ him one morning. My ex-AH had lost his union job (great pay/benefits) and we were living on my part-time $7/hr. job and going quickly into debt. I had concerns, of course. One day I didn't have $ for all the bills & was particularly concerned about the electric bill. It went something like this.

So, if you don't pay the bill what happens? They turn off the power.

Then what,? We are cold and would have to use alternate sources to cook.

Then what? We have to move, and might be homeless.

Then what?.......... This went on to death. Then he said, And then what?

I go to heaven.

Okay, so what is the problem? I just smiled.

So, that seems simple, but he would always get us to see that it wasn't that bad, and usually we were overracting and creating scenerios that we just couldn't control.

I am not saying it is easy. It is not. But, we are a strong people. That is why the As married us. We are strong. And they need strong to take care of them even if they don't know or admit it. That is why we are attracted to each other. They need a caretaker, and we take care of people. But, be strong for you and your children, and let others adults tend to themselves. We do not decide the consequences that come their way due to their actions, or lack thereof. And we can't prevent them either.

Does music distract you from that thinking? Find the thing that distracts you from the voices in your head making you crazy. Everyone has something that can turn that off. For me, it is music and i put the earbuds in and then I am in my own peaceful world.

Remember the three Cs.

-- Edited by blessed on Thursday 10th of July 2014 07:05:11 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I had all these thoughts for years. Looking back, I can see that some of them were helpful (Where are we going to live? How are we going to make things work?), some of them were fear, some of them were distorted thoughts (It's my job to save him from his alcoholism, I can do that, I just need to keep trying, if something bad happens to him it's all my fault and I could have prevented it, etc. etc. etc.), and some of them were my own addiction to him and to trying to "win" over alcoholism. (If only that were possible! But it's up to him to "win," not up to us.) My great love was mixed with memories of what things were like starting out -- which was a long time before -- and with my attachment, which felt like love but was mostly panic.

What helped a lot was to make a list of all the bad things that had happened -- and really there were so many I couldn't fit them onto any list -- and to read it over when I got to having thoughts about how it was really not so bad and I was nostalgic for the good days, etc.

I also had those thoughts about "I'm bad for breaking up the family! My son will grow up without a dad!" and so on. But then I thought: what does it do to a son to see his dad in this state? The grief and horror and disappoiintment will be pretty strong. Unless he gets used to it. And that's worse! The last thing I want him thinking is that drinking around the clock and passing out are normal things, and that he should try it, or choose a partner that does it. Do I want this life for him when he grows up? Heck no.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Watts: What if you put yourself into those thoughts, too, ie I am a woman who has decided that I cannot live the way I have been living. I care enough about myself and my child that I am going to make a necessary change that supports my need to live in a peaceful environment without all things alcohol. I am one person with two responsibilities - taking care of myself and my child. I intend on doing that in a new way with my HP's help. I have done my best to cope in the crazy-making world of alcoholism. I have learned that I can't fight the disease or my spouse. I will surrender to my own powerlessness and accept that my HP wants better for me. I will trust my HP and my desire for a peaceful life as a woman who knows what she needs and what she wants for me and my child. I will continue the progress I have made by working my program and providing what I can for myself and for my child. I will trust my HP to do what I cannot do for us. I am a woman who knows myself well enough to know I can and will change what I can to live my life well.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 10th of July 2014 07:26:26 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

From my perspective, you are doing the right thing. You are asking all of the right questions. When I get confused as to,the best choice, at times, I close my eyes and place myself in different scenarios and pay attention to how my body feels. The mind tricks us. Imagine staying...does your body feel restricted, anxious, fidgety, etc or does it feel free, calm, etc? Then do the same imaging you are not living there? (((Hugs)))

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I find sometimes if I just think about the "what if" and give it a true and honest answer I can let go of it. Also like many others here I talk to my HP and ask for guidance to help me.

I have been told many times to ask myself...OK Cathy.....if you so concerned about something what are you going to do to fix it. I find there is nothing I can do so why keep dwelling on it.

It's going to get better if you continue to practice with the tools you have. It works if you work it

((( hugs )))

whispers · Member

I think the same thoughts....I left my AH almost 2 years ago and we have started dating. I have been atteningalanon meeting every chance that I get. My heart says go back to him and then my mind reminds me what a dark sad place that I escaped from. I know he is trying but still drinking....it seems I am the only one who has changed. I know if I go back it will be the same...not better probably worse as I will be punished for leaving... In the last alanon meeting I attended some one shared "Sometimes it is good to quit thinking and just be quiet....and remember the serenity prayer "

Sending a big (((((((hug))))))))))) your way...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My self, I have notebooks I write in.

I would right moving out, then put alll the things I think about, then under them leave a space for ideas and answers, possible outcomes.

He is an adult, he will have to figure it out. Just becuz they are going down,we do not have to go with them.

being an animal activist, I don't believe the dogs will be ok. they are part of the family. An A cannot even keep a plant alive. I would have to go where they are welcome also. My kids and I would be losing enough without losing them too. I remember my mother left my daddy, there was no question our Boxer dog lady came with us too.

Most all shelters can help with dog food.

I like to write things down as i always come up with options and want them down too.

sometimes i feel so tired and in pain. I think well maybe i should move in with my son. Then I think but I cannot take all my animals. What would I do with my horse, my pet farm pig? Someone could eat them. ugh I hate the city. i would not hear my frogs.

But am I safe alone out here? dumby you have nine barking dogs if anyone comes in the gate! so I bought a gun too.

just random stuff. then after a time, it all comes together and the decision is easier.

The A will live or die anyway. I share my sick sick wet brained A who takes sixty vicodan in two days...and other stuff too is still here. We have no idea when they will go.

Just cuz you love them does not mean you can live with them. Is it them you love or how they used to be?

No you are not insane! Right now this choice is like a big bunch of puzzle pieces. They will come together, but you know they have to be mixed up before you can do that.

Its ok not to have it down pat. Who said monday anyway? For me when I decide I am going to move, I start packing stuff. My friends think that is nuts. but oh months later, I do move. Its ok for things to take time.

hugs! keep the dogs please! (c: debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The disease does that to those affected by it. The last word of the second step is "sanity" and arrival there comes from the relationship with a Higher Power. This kind of thinking doesn't ever go away when there is fear and doubt or second guessing which is what I was professional at until I met my sponsor. My sponsor gave me slogans to think about which helped me to focus on the now. "Think" was one and at the same time "when in doubt?....don't!!". He also help me to learn the right way of choosing with "Decide what consequence to want to have first and then do what is necessary to get it". The program in my home group then gave me a definition of sanity back then that I still use now which helps me to understand where I am at in the process. "Sanity is the continuous and orderly process of thought" When I received that I knew I never had done that and after I received it I learned how to do it and practice it. I give my head time outs when it is in the gerbil wheel and I do that with the focus on "Silence". Silence is necessary because HP speaks only when I listen and so listening is a most important part of the process. If my head ventures off into the crazy circus again I bring it back and practice more....listening. The right thing is the process and the outcome or consequence is the reward...however you measure it. You're in trauma and it is necessary to acknowledge that and then do the process the best you can with what you have. It, for me, isn't about doing it perfect or at times even right...it is about doing something different that what I've been doing that got me into the mess I am in. Checking in with Al-Anon/MIP fellowship and asking for help is always a great part of the process. In the end you get to choose the solution for now and we continue to support you however it comes out. My sponsor also told me "If and when you find out you've made a mistake...go back and correct it". I can be wrong at times and....I can change it. Be human its all we got. Thanks for the trust...Let go and Let God also cause God can handle us all. ((((hugs)))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.