The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just wanted to share the amazing experience I had yesterday with all of you.
From the moment I woke up, I felt tense. There was no particular reason for this feeling, but there it was. I headed out for a run; when I got back, AH was leaving for work. His mood seemed fine, he sent me a funny email shortly afterwards. But still, I felt tense. I decided to meditate, using a guided Lovingkindness meditation. Im new to meditation and brand-new to this particular type, and I found it incredibly powerful to direct so much love at myself, at my loved ones, and even at the person Im most conflicted about, my AH. Then, I went to an Al-Anon meeting. It was a beginners meeting, and the theme was powerlessness. Boy, have I felt powerless for a long time, but I dont think Id admitted that powerlessness until yesterday. The leader shared about how she came to recognize her ways of controlling her own AH. And her experience opened my eyes to how I do the samehow I try to anticipate his moods, mitigate them, alleviate them, etc., basically, trying to control my AHs thoughts and feelings.
So with all this in my head and heart, I went to work. I was busy, but during the day, I could sense that something was up with my AH. His emails had a certain off tone, and he was much less responsive than usual. I had that tight feeling in the pit of my stomach off and on. Finally, at the end of the day, he textedin response to my question busy day?No. It was dead. I went out to lunch and got drunk, so now youll be all pissed off.
Wed had (yet another) conversation about his drinking over the weekend, during which he'd accused me of "trying to put him in a box" (after he'd voluntarily promised not to drink around me). I replied that I wasn't putting him in a box; I hadn't asked or told him to stop drinking; I wasnt putting any limits on it; he was an adult, he had to make his own decisions, etc. His response: Yeah, I'm an adult, but if I do drink, then youll be all upset, and youll cry, and youll leave me. So when he sent this text yesterday, it was so clear to me that he was trying to provoke me. To chastise him, to engage, to leavewho knows what. Even though I felt sick, I just responded, Im not pissed off. See you when you get home.
It was the truth. I wasnt angry. I wasnt sad. I wasnt hell-bent on leaving. I could see his manipulation for what it was. I knew that he was torturing himself about drinking more than I ever could. I understood that it was his sickness and not me that was causing this. And that I had no control over it, or over him. And I wasn't going to let him goad me into a reaction of any type. I found myself repeating the Serenity Prayer, the three Cs, and the mantra from the mornings meditation over and over: May I be well. May I be peaceful. May I be happy. May I be loved. And I found I was all of those things.
For once, possibly the first time in the last 25 years, I let my AHs feelings be his own. I let his drinking be his own. I saw that they have nothing to do with me. Im happy. Im healthy. Im strong. And I dont have to take care of or control him anymore.
When he got home, he barely spoke to me all night. I didnt ask him over and over (the way I usually do) what was wrong. I didnt ask about the drinking at lunch. I didnt engage. I didnt accept the invitation to an argument I didnt want to attend. I stayed at equilibrium and had an unbelievable sense of peace and lightness for the entire night. It persists today.
This must be what serenity feels like.
I want much, much more.
God, I am so grateful for Al-Anon. Thank all of you for being here, and for listening.
I understand. I used to feel my AH feelings as if they were my own. It's easier now that I don't live with him. I was always fearful and anxious about when and if he would drink. I still am at times. I noticed when I didn't monitor him as much and remained detached, when he did drink he only had himself to blame. He had to look at himself in the mirror. He used to tell me this himself, that when I didn't get angry he felt worse about his mistakes. How ironic! The program works. Good job!
What a great attitude. Good for you. I am inching my way there; and it is encouraging to hear others are finding serenity in this program.
I am not engaging anymore and it is mightly quiet aroud here. But, that is okay. He is having an internal battle, and like you said, "it is his." He will deal with it; ignore it; and whatever, but none of that concerns me.
Thanks for sharing your progress w/ the rest of us.
Thanks for posting this inspiring story about detachment, I have been struggling with the concept of detaching with love, and this gives me hope that it can be done!
Laura