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Hey, my dad is a raging alcoholic. He has been ever since my mom left. I put up with it until I got into middle school. Our fights started getting really bad, so I was hardly ever home. When I was in 8th grade I remember my dad getting the stomach flu. Around 4 in the morning he started throwing up blood. He didn't want me to, but I called 911. Turns out his alcoholism had finally caught up to him, and he was really sick. He was in the hospital for about 3 weeks. That was scaring for me. He had to be put in restraints when he was going through withdrawal, because he knocked out a security gaurd, dislocated a nurses shoulder, and tryed coming after me. He was so weak he couldn't even walk. After detox he told me he was going to stop drinking. That promise went after 2 weeks, when I came home and smelled alcohol. So I put up with him screaming and yelling at me every night just because I asked for dinner. It was horrible. My grades sucked, I was emotionally unstable, and suicidal. Finally after 4 more years, I left this last December. I've been living with my aunt. But now I can't help but worry 24/7. Now that he is alone, he could get sick again and not want to get help, he could just die, anything could happen. I don't know what to do. I'm constantly stressed out. I'm getting depressed and nobody knows. I'm a really nice person. I always help if I can, I smile, I laugh, I'm "happy'. But I just don't want people to know what I actually have on my shoulders. I act like this because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want someone to talk to that actually understands.... Help? Please?
I understand and I could of written that post about myself, there is a dynamic to this chaos and roller coaster ride that we live, it's not unlike fire that needs what it needs to ignite, take just one thing away and it can't happen or it has to change, we kind of always know this but what we don't know is how to take that bit away that is us, we only know what we know and keep doing over and over, and thinking why isn't this working, we are nice people we are too nice, until we realise that in the wrong hands our niceness is used against us, it is the hardest concept to figure out, I don't look for the bad in people only the good, what I wasn't aware of is, my character attracts a certain sort, there everywhere and throughout my life I have replaced one for another my whole life, but this is your father, and your the child, in reality he should be caring for you not visa versa, you need to off load you need to be heard, alanon is where I found a place to be me, because here is the only place I feel safe and understood, I totally understand you, please keep coming back, yours in support.
Welcome to MIP, this is a really special place where we can speak freely about things, knowing that others understand so well because they've been through similar circumstances. I think that alcoholism is a ghastly disease and I'm so sorry that you and your father are having to deal with it. Alcoholism really does seem to take over the behaviour of our loved ones and I know that I also let it take too much control of my own thoughts and actions even though I wasn't the one doing the drinking.
It does get lonely sometimes, so thank you for letting us in
When I went to my first alanon meeting it connected me with people who were managing to thrive, even though their situations were similar to my own. This really intrigued me and I wanted to learn how to do that! Our own lives are just as precious as the lives of our loved ones, the only difference being that we can control our own behaviour, and, as you already know, we can not control the behaviour of others. It was actually quite a relief for me when I realised that I could loosen my grip and not have to take on that responsibility!
Welcome volleyball, so pleased that you found us and had the courage to share. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive disease over which we are powerless. The best we can do is to learn how to take care of ourselves in a constructive manner, and let go of the fear and anxiety about the alcoholic.
This is not easy to do and I am very impressed that you took care of yourself and moved in with your aunt. I too walked around pretending to be happy, not wanting anyone to know what was I was living with, because I had no other tools to live by. Living with this disease we develop unhealthy coping skills that are destructive to our own self-esteem and self-worth. I found Al-Anon when I was at my lowest and felt I had no place else to turn. I am so grateful that I did.
I urge you to search out face-to-face meetings in your community and attend. There are also Alateen meetings for teens that you might feel more comfortable in, depending on your age. Al-Anon helped me to break the isolation caused by living in this disease, learned how to be honest about who I was and what I was feeling, gave me constructive tools to live by so that I could replace my denial and pretend and live in reality.
There is hope and help and you are not alone. Keep coming back
My father was not an addict, but had rage and was abusive, so I understand how it is living as a child and teenager w/ an unstable parent. Then I married not one, but two alcoholics. It took all that to get me to AlAnon. I went the counseling route but these people did not understand alcoholism, so it was a waste of time/money. They only told me how to be a better wife so my husand might not drink.
Find an AlAnon group near you, and go as often as you are able. These people will not judge you, and all have dealt with A in their own lives. You will find acceptance.
All the worrying in the world is not going to help your father, or you. Transfer that energy to you and take care of you right now. If you are not well, you can't help anyone. We are each responsible for our own actions.
I see that you are only 16 years old. I am amazed by how well you write and express yourself. Your story is moving...but tragic (more for your dad than you because yours has much more possibility for a happy ending). I'm sorry you had this tumultuous childhood. It is more than anyone should have to deal with. We do have members here that share this kind of story. You might also check out ACOA (adult children of alcoholics)....While you are still 16, you seem to write and understand things on an adult level, so I think it would be a good place for you also.
It is a big burden that you are carrying even though it's not one you should be carrying. It is your 1 parent that stuck around - yet he engaged in behavior so damaging to you and himself. I know of at least one member here with almost the exact same childhood story. I hope he reads this and responds. For today, keep making a life for yourself, try and enjoy the good in life, and don't let this disease take any more from you than it already has. Your dad would want that if he could see clearly and express himself clearly.
I wish I could hug and hold you until all of the hurt and pain subsided. You must have one strong guardian angel that brought you here so you can begin your healing journey from the effects of this disease. There is more help available through the meetings that have already been mentioned. Take good care of the precious, courageous you....you are unique and we need you in this world.
Hi Volleyball, I moved and was constantly worried about my husband. However, I have to let go and look after myself. I have been terrorized, abused and angry for years. This feeling of getting worried when I moved are something I will have to feel then let go because I cannot do anything. It is hard but know with certainty "this too shall pass". Hang in there and come back often.
Hugs to you volleyball. You are very brave and strong for going to live with your aunt. I hope you can stay with her for awhile! We learn in al anon that no matter what we do to try and fix the alcoholic, they will do whatever they choose to do. I hope you can find Alateen meetings, if not, I think al anon is fine for you to attend as well. I have teenagers who got really sick and tired of their stepfather's drinking and his behavior. They have seen way too much. Now that you aren't living with your dad I am sure you will be able to focus more on yourself and school. At this age you have a lot going on in high school. Try to keep busy with friends and activities. I hope you can detach from your father and live a happier life. Keep coming back.
I want to say hello and good for you. Somehow, it appears you've been able to stay focused on what is good in your life and what you need to do for you even with your Dad's illness and your Mom's leaving. My parents were not As, but my Mom was so stressed, she became a screamer when I entered my teens. I kept myself sane by making good friends who never knew what was going on at home, hanging out with adults who loved me, kept away from kids who drank, did drugs and got into fights, worked at a part-time job where I got lots of strokes for what a good worker I was, and did things I liked to do in school and working hard at my grades. There were times I wanted to quit doing the next right thing for me, but I also knew I needed my diploma and got it. Then, I moved out on my own after getting a fulltime job. My life wasn't a cakewalk, but nobody's really is. I think you are going to be a very strong and productive adult if you keep on doing what you've been doing for you. I wish I could say that things will get better for your Dad but that is up to him and his Higher Power. You can pray for him, visit him if you want to do that, and show him by your actions and attitudes that you are going to take good care of yourself while your aunt takes care of you. (((VB)))
Aloha Vollyball and welcome to the board...You've just done what I did when I first found recovery. "I just want someone to talk to that actually understands.... Help? Please?" and maybe you did it with a whole lot more courage than when I learned. I was 20years older and spent more time in the disease as a victim so I thought there was no solutions for me. I was wrong...of course. You have come to the right place and already have another MIP family to hang with which has many useful suggestions for you and tons of awareness about the disease of alcoholism from experience. I use to be an active Alateen sponsor and supported them running their own recoveries. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book and call the hotline number for Al-Anon (of which you are already qualified) and ask where and when we get together in your area. Ask also if Alateen is available. ACOA may be in the telephone book also on Pink's suggestion. MIP (here) is 24/7 so you have support. How can we help? ((((hugs)))) Keep coming back
Hugs to you young lady. Facing so much pain in your young life has made you incredibly mature for your 16 years. It is extremely painful to watch someone we love destroying themselves with alcohol. Your grief is very understandable (I am currently witnessing my elderly husband destroying himself this way.) God requires us to become the best people we can be by honouring the life he gave us and looking after ourselves. I have also come to understand that we need God first and foremost, but also other people. We are not meant to isolate, but to share, support and encourage one another. Al-Anon and Alateen can be a real blessing to you and help you weather these difficult storms in your life. You have so many years of life ahead of you and I am so proud of you for having the courage to reach out at your tender age. God bless. Much love sweet girl. It took me 67 years to find the guidance and true path you are on!
