The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Boundaries. My husband and I have been seperated for almost 18 months, we were married for 3.5 years prior. The last four months we have started to occasionally date, spending more time together. I have and continue to attend Alanon for almost 2 yrs now. He had attended one AA meeting last week. He is open to going but not convinced that AA will work. It has taken me all this time to finally see and understand that drinking is a disease. I thought if he loved me, if he wanted to be married he would and could stop. Now I know that he can not without help. I know that he loves me and we have a good life together, I can not control his drinking. I can have boundaries though. I still have my own place to retreat to. Last night after his "monday night with the boys" he was under the influence and couldn't even remember bringing in the mail. He continued to drink two more drinks. I chose to go up stairs and read and went to bed by myself and I was good with that. Some time ago I would of been upset and let him ruin my night. This morning I sent him a text ( he goes to work before I get up)that I would no longer be around on Monday nights and would chose to go home. Immedicately he responded I will do better. He has cut back on drinking (still 2-3 beers and a glass of wine a night) and he seems "normal". I don't know what to do. My lease is up in November and need to make decisions to buy a home by September do I come back or do I move on? I know how painful it was when I lived with him and his drinking. Of course my friends say RUN....be careful. I am patient perhaps too patient and of course co-dependent ( I do attend CODA meetings too). Financially I am fine know that I have options. Is it fair to set tough boundaries by this date I will not be back if I do not see marked changes in your drinking. Isn't that an ultimatum ? Last time I said this in October, November and left after Thanksgiving....he knows I mean what I say. Can you have a healthy relationship with someone that just cuts back and does not completely stop drinking ?
He's drinking. You know what it was like to live with him. Cutting back to 2-3 beers and a glass of wine a night that you know about is as serious as his having one drink a night or 100. You can set that boundary for you. Of course he doesn't know if AA will work for him. He isn't working it. He will always be an alcoholic with only a daily reprieve if he actually does begin recovery for himself and stays with it. Can you live with that knowledge that he can relapse even if he does work a program? I don't think a genuine healthy relationship can be maintained between an adult who is working their program and an adult who is still drinking and taking a stab at recovery. Our maturity level increases with program work while the using adult stays stunted in their emotional growth.
I agree with Grateful...I would be careful not to set arbitrary rules with someone whose goal is not yet to be abstinent or have real recovery. It is maddening to engage in "limiting" and "cut/down" arguments with someone who will eventually disrespect the boundary because they have no real skills to stay sober in the long run.
I agree; drinking is drinking. Holding on to memories for revenge is not helpful; but memories that help you remember how bad something was could save your life going forward, or at the very least, your sanity.
For me, it's all or nothing. I am still living with the AH, and if I ever do leave, it will be a one-way ticket. I try to hang on to hope, but the more I read, the less inclined I am to believe that it will ever be any better; and probably will get worse.
You'll know what to do when you need to make that decision. Trust your HP.
Whispers I am sorry that you are in this painful place, and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that I was able to receive the support, understanding and wisdom from those who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. It is suggested that you attend al least 6 meetings before deciding if alanon is for you and attend alanon for for 6 months before making any major life changes.
I know you have a huge living decision to make shortly and your friends as suggesting that you "Run" You may choose to do that but I believe that even if you do not stay in the relationship, alanon meetings are essential recovery tools for anyone who has shared anytime living with an alcoholic So no matter which way your marriage goes al non can help you find your courage, serenity and self esteem once again.
Keep coming back
In my experience, I could not and did not have a healthy relationship with my husband, even though he had cut down on his drinking, until both of us worked recovery programs. There were a few years that he was addicted to pain pills, too. When he stopped all of the addictive substances, began IOP and worked his recovery program, his behavior changed, his moods changed, his outlook changed, I could trust him. There was consistency. This process took a few years, though. We had separated. I would not have continued with the marriage if he had not worked his recovery program with sincerity, as I had decided if I could not have a healthy marriage, I would have none. I was ready to let go of my plans for the future and really live one day at a time with sanity, listening for what my HP had in store for my life.
Thank you everyone for your experience, strength and hope. I am going to a meeting tonight. I have never had a sponsor and I know that it is time for that. Perhaps tonight will be the night that I begin that search. Your words ring truth and I will continue working on me for me and be strong.
Hugs to all. I am so glad I found this web site too
Boundaries. My husband and I have been seperated for almost 18 months, we were married for 3.5 years prior. The last four months we have started to occasionally date, spending more time together. I have and continue to attend Alanon for almost 2 yrs now. He had attended one AA meeting last week. He is open to going but not convinced that AA will work. It has taken me all this time to finally see and understand that drinking is a disease. I thought if he loved me, if he wanted to be married he would and could stop. Now I know that he can not without help. I know that he loves me and we have a good life together, I can not control his drinking. I can have boundaries though. I still have my own place to retreat to. Last night after his "monday night with the boys" he was under the influence and couldn't even remember bringing in the mail. He continued to drink two more drinks. I chose to go up stairs and read and went to bed by myself and I was good with that. Some time ago I would of been upset and let him ruin my night. This morning I sent him a text ( he goes to work before I get up)that I would no longer be around on Monday nights and would chose to go home. Immedicately he responded I will do better. He has cut back on drinking (still 2-3 beers and a glass of wine a night) and he seems "normal". I don't know what to do. My lease is up in November and need to make decisions to buy a home by September do I come back or do I move on? I know how painful it was when I lived with him and his drinking. Of course my friends say RUN....be careful. I am patient perhaps too patient and of course co-dependent ( I do attend CODA meetings too). Financially I am fine know that I have options. Is it fair to set tough boundaries by this date I will not be back if I do not see marked changes in your drinking. Isn't that an ultimatum ? Last time I said this in October, November and left after Thanksgiving....he knows I mean what I say. Can you have a healthy relationship with someone that just cuts back and does not completely stop drinking ?