Serenity is in my life much more than it ever was. Even when I was still living with active drinking, I was still able to feel calm and happy. I realise this is to do with working the program and learning different ways to think about life. One of the biggest gifts was learning how to forgive. It seems like a small word that I had not given much thought too before alanon. Before, I thought it was just a decision, like I could say ok I forgive him for ..... and that was it. Then a day or two later i would still be casting up or moaning about the thing i thought i had forgiven.

Its much more than that. Forgiveness to me is freedom, when I learned to truly forgive, I truly let go of negative thoughts that kept me trapped in misery. Living with my ex for almost 20 years gave me a nice long, long list of grievances. Living with an alcoholic provides us with that. I didnt realise what this list was doing to me, all the grudges I kept had an impact on me. It helped grow in me lots of my defects that im now trying to be free of. Resentment, hatred, anger, bitter, jealousy, self pity to name a few. It kept me in victim, martyr mode. 

When I first came to alanon people told me to learn about alcoholism, I didnt want to, why should I, im not helping him after he has done this and that... but when you hang around long enough you learn about alcoholism. I began to allow the idea in that it was a disease, grudgingly to be honest, I thought it was letting him off the hook. Now I firmly believe without any doubt that it is a disease and this has given me something valuable. I can forgive now, all he ever done to me and the kids was not a deliberate, malicous, bad thing. He was sick. Everything I done was not bad or malicous either, I was sick. My whole family has been sick and that fact has allowed me to discard that list, I dont need it anymore. I can look back on an event that haunted me for years, like the fact that while I was in labour with my youngest child, he was steaming drunk in front of the midwife and my family, behaving badly all the while. This memory has made me react for 16 years, no kidding. A 16 year grudge!!!!! There are older ones.

Anyway, he was sick, thats what sick people do, I can feel compassion for him about that now. He missed one of the unique, deep, amazing experiences you get in life. I still felt it but my sickness also tainted it for me. We have all got stories like that, alcoholics behaving badly, as if that is a big surprise or shocking revelation. Of course they do, they are sick. It doesnt mean we have to be sick too. Working on myself in alanon has helped me forgive, let go, leave the pain behind, its gone, over. Hes not hurting me today, im healthy(ish)now and I wont be hurt for long today. I can have boundaries that protect me from sickness like alcoholism and im working on giving myself an excellent life. I wont live with active drinking again, thats my boundary. Forgiveness has allowed me to not dig up the past to feel it all in the same way again. If I dig it up I can forgive myself and him and let it go. My past even has a different vibe these days. Thank you alanon, I  am a grateful member.x