I am a loner with a bunch of drunks - Al-Anon Family Group

martas · Newbie

I am a loner with a bunch of drunks

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my younger days as a wife to an AH who loved to be around people and drink, I stayed home and did not go to any parties etc. I felt i had two babies to care for and did not want them around that.

He would not dare bring drunks to our home as he did respect how I felt about our kids. But on Fridays there were many times he passed out somewhere as I was home alone with kids with no vehicle.

you are in a hard situation that is for sure. Myself I as a momma bear when it came to my babies. So I made it crystal clear, no alcohol or other drugs in our home. period. If he had not complied, I would have had him leave.

The sad thing is he got drunk one too many times and was ran over when he was partying at a huge event up in the mountains. He died seven days later.

I cannot imagine using when I have babies that what if they got sick or hurt and needed me? I won't even do it now as I have a home and animals to care for.

As long as he is drinking, he will not grow up. Won't mature. he is the same age he was when he started using.

So for me it is up to me to protect the serenity of my home and the safety of my kids having peace in their home.

I find it totally disrespectful of him and the friends to do this at his house where he has a family. You have rights too!

thank you for coming here! come back

martas · Newbie

Debillyn i am sorry for your loss.

Also, just to clarify if i drink i never have more than one beer or a drink. I dont like alcohol thats why it bothers me that there are always people- friends drinking in the evening on the weekends at my house. Like i said i like to meet with them, but on the other hand i have enough of them. My husband is definitely immature and his acting like he is still in his teenage years. If he wont invite someone home to drink with he will go out and drink somewhere else and drive drunk. i tend to worry like crazy about him not able to sleep having the worst scenarios in my mind when his out drinking.

Thank you for your reply

-- Edited by martas on Monday 7th of July 2014 10:21:00 PM

-- Edited by martas on Monday 7th of July 2014 10:25:55 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe he would work a boundary with you to stay where he drinks until morning? Or always have a person who is sober bring him home?

Al anon can help. It has to be so heavy parenting him too!

I meant more i related with you about not drinking to excess. I never drank or did anything. You are a responsible parent.

In time maybe you can come up with a solution. Maybe he has to leave the keys to the vehicle with you if he chooses to go party. then he can figure out how to get home.

We find lots of options when we put our heads together. Also we are here to just listen too.

Vent and share! hugs!

Kelly123 · Veteran Member

I once had a time when my A was bringing over friends to party while me and the baby were in the other room. I came outside and basically made a scene, told them exactly what I thought of them (similar thoughts to Debilyn) and left the apartment. it was very uncomfortable for everyone but it worked because when I came home his friend was gone and there haven't been any visits from this friend since.

Suggest to tell your husband it is fine if he wants to party but you'd prefer it if it weren't done in your home, with young kids you can't trust drunk adults around kids.

I'm sure this won't happen to you I am just being truthful here .but I had a friend in high school whose parents partied in her home when she was quite young. One night they were having a party and one of her dad's "friends" came up to my friends room and tried to rape her. Her dad walked in because luckily he heard her screaming and her dad basically threw the creep across the room. and their parents stopped having parties.

Also there is liability these days if someone is at your house and drinks and drives and hurts someone you could be liable for damages. I too get crazy about drinking and driving. Insurance doesn't cover if he drinks and drives and gets in an accident, he (and you and your kids) could lose everything.. I know a girl who got in an accident with a cab driver, she had two drinks and got behind the wheel. THe cab driver was badly hurt but he survived. She's on the hook for her lawyer fees as well as the cab drivers lawyer fees, his loss of wages, damages, etc etc. Her lawyer told her she will be in debt for the rest of her life and she is only 40. It makes my head spin just thinking about it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Martas and welcome to the family...just the opposite of what you're going thru at home except for your own meeting. We are in support and over time you will get stronger and more courageous than you are now. Sounds like you're dealing with fear and that he is also since he is objecting to Al-Anon. Alcoholics are basically very fearful people cause they have a voice within that is telling them "you got a problem and it is real". He doesn't need to look up and look at you for the news. Alcohol has already told him that it owns his butt. This is a progressive disease and he has progressed into loss of control meaning he cannot "not" drink...it owns his butt and the rest of him also. It's tried to own you also and you're not having any of it...YAY for that one. Stay in the program and follow the suggestions and make us a part of your daily life also cause now you got family who knows and knows that they know about the disease and we're all here to support you and each other. (((((hugs))))) smile

martas · Newbie

Thank you for your comments. I trully dont know how to handle that. My husband tends to invite people that i know and i kind a like. But its always havy drinking for them. When i want to do something different he always convinces me to stay home. When i complain about drinking he always says that i exaggerate things that its nothing wrong to have a bbq and no one does anything bad. He blames me for being sensitive and that it must be something wrong with me because everyone does it. Sometimes i feel like a crazy one.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

If its away from home, go in your own car so you can leave when you want. Get comfortable with the idea of not drinking just to please them and let yourself enjoy their company. Find some recipes for non-alcoholic knock-offs that you like and serve them to yourself, they don't have to know it doesn't contain alcohol. There is nothing wrong with reaching the end of your "party mood" and excusing yourself from the festivities; or recognizing the tone of the party has reached that alcoholic madness stage and disappear into the night, drive yourself home or go to a quiet room. If someone seeks you out to try to convince you to return, just smile and tell them how glad you are that they are having fun but you need some time alone. These are ways that I've successfully dealt with times like you describe - no condemnation for their choice of fun so they can't put the label of party-pooper on you (not that that matters to me much anymore), you can enjoy what you like about them and distance yourself from the parts you don't care for.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If folks are drinking to excess there is something bad going on - self-poisoning. There is nothing you can do or say that will stop them from drinking and you don't have to buy the "no problem" or "you're the problem" argument that the disease always likes to repeat and repeat and repeat. You don't like being around people who drink a lot and oftentimes you aren't being with them anyway. You are being with their disease as it progresses destructively. My sister is very loving and sweetie-sweet, funny and sometimes raucous when she's been drinking. Everybody likes her because she is so cuddly and funny. They don't see her sleeping for hours following her nightly drinking or her body that is covered by designer clothes size 0-2 that appears to have been starved for years. They don't experience her stirring up family issues in the background or doing cruel things that result in people being humiliated or rejected. They don't hear her when she does awaken in the morning and doesn't remember a thing she said during the drinking hours. She, too, would say nothing bad is happening as would her friends and my other sibs who also drink heavily. Don't buy the lies. Its okay to be true to yourself and say no to a drink to fit in. There is no true fitting in anyway. Nobody is themselves when they are under the influence or affected by it. Keep coming back here and attending Al-Anon. It will continue to help you see what you can do to enjoy your life and stay calm and sane.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

This takes me back. When my kids came along I changed, thats where the problems came fro really. I wanted to move into our new roles as parents, put the kids first and have a quieter lifestyle that would help us bring up our kids. He carried on with the partying and had people In drinking. I didnt like it at all but I was really young whe we started our family and I dint have the confidence to know I was right and fight for the life I wanted for me and my kids. He would make out I was antisocial or too uptight or a bit weird for not wanting that lifestyle, the sad part is I believed him. I honestly thought it was me, why couldnt I be more fun and join in, something is wrong with me. Wow, there was nothing wrong with me, its actually really good to say that for the first time. Even in my early 20s, I was right, we should have moved into the family stage but we didnt, he fought me on it and I trusted he was right.

In my experience alcoholics cant do the family thing, I dont think its even possible for them, so your instincts are spot on, you want better for your kids, this is your truth, alanon will help you build the strength to live your truth instead of his, which is distorted and cannot be trusted. Glad your here.x

unicornhunter · Member

I don't have that same problem but I know the feeling. My wife drinks by herself. But when we go to her sisters house, everyone drinks and I feel like I also have to and since I don't even have a sip, I still have to turn down drinks repeatedly. As if not nursing a beer and taking pictures holding up a drink is necessary for my survival over the course of a few hours. So I'll find the couch and watch sports or whatever is on the TV to keep me happy and distracted. I still get annoyed by all the drunks but it's funny how people who feel the same way as I will join me and so I meet some interesting people who don't care for the drinking in order to socialize. It's hard because it just seems like most people drink and we are all alone. It's been a while since I last went to one of those parties there but I don't look forward to them. They always end up with my sister in law crying over the most random things and my alcoholic wife babying her. Hang in there you will find what works for you.

slowlearner · Veteran Member

I no longer go to many social events with my AH because of all the drinking. I should say all of his drinking. I was his babysitter, driver, caretaker for years at social events. As with many alocholics my AH is a different person when he drinks. I socially drink - I can have one or two but that's it. I tried for many years to fit in with the partying crew and found it's not for me. My AH and I have fought over this many times and I did the bargaining and made him promise not to drink so much - but that never worked. Many times whole vacations and outings were ruined because I needed to take care of him and my kids, and be the responsible one. I finally came to a decision that I won't do that anymore. Alot of people don't understand my decision because I live in a small town and everyone just accepts my AH for what he is. But I can't stand to be around him when he drinks, he gets sarcastic, and feels he's superior to everyone. He also flirts outrageously. When we have gone on longer vacations he disappears for hours to find people to drink with. He did this in Mexico and i was worried sick most of the time. He would tell me that I was sick in the head, crazy, weird and had me convinced of this for many years. But I've come to realize that he is the one with the illness. Now I stay home where it's peaceful for me, go to events with my grown children, and have a few friends that I can do things with that interest me. And I've found Alanon-which gives me strength and the realization that alcoholism is a disease that is beyond my control. Alanon made me realize that I have choices and that I can take care of myself.

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