3 months married and I'm new to this - Al-Anon Family Group

anonymous1989 · Newbie

3 months married and I'm new to this

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

His drinking is not a reflection on you or about you. It is a reflection of his disease. Alcoholism is a compulsion that before treatment a person with this disease doesn't choose. It chooses him or her.

What you have described you can no longer do is exactly what many of us have also learned we can't do. We've also learned that attending Al-Anon meetings, listening, sharing, getting the literature, choosing a sponsor to help us work the steps after we've in program for awhile, all help us learn how to detach from our loved one and their drinking in ways that work for us and help us learn to return our focus to ourselves, our lives, what we want and need for us.

Please keep coming back and attend at least 6 meetings of Al-Anon before you decide whether or not the program is for you. It has saved lives of many - ours. You are not worthless. You are a woman living with a very sick man and trying to make the best of a very confusing and painful situation. Al-Anon can help you in many, many ways.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome. you sure are on the right path.

No, he cannot control what he does. He is an addict, he is driven by his disease to use to get that part of his brain stimulated. Every moment they crave the drug they want. There is no choice for them. When when does get into recovery it is tons of work. Plus they have to reach a point of feeling so sick of being sick to be able to work a program. This means detox, rehab, 90 meetings in90 days, its setting up a plan for him to follow himself to keep his life as best in order as he can. Then almost all relapse at some point.

All we can do is decide what we are going to do as we did not cause it, cannot control it or cure it. He was born like this. And yes over time it progresses like most disease does.

No not all A's abuse or cheat. Those are not symptoms of being A. They do it when they are already abusers and cheaters that they no longer can keep in check as the alcohol or other drugs lessen his ability to stop the behavior.

We can choose to change that feeling of worthlessness. Believe me he still loves you in his own way, values you. But sadly there is no one who does not love themselves, that can love another in a way the other is satisfied.

sounds like your parents in law care very much about the kids. Myself i would share with them as living in danger like this is not good for them. He should never drive with them or you in the car. Even if he seems sober, it very much is probably not enough to drive.

Look at his history. Living with an A is very damaging to all of us, especially kids.

So do what you love to do, find your own self worth. Depend on you for your own self love. hugs and do keep coming back!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome anonymous, you have received very wise suggestions. I merely wanted to add my welcome and to assure you that there is hope and that you are not alone.

Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Breaking the terrible isolation caused by living with this disease and accepting the support and understanding of those who understand as few others can, will provide you with the courage, serenity and wisdom to reclaim your life . Please keep coming back

Kelly123 · Veteran Member

I am new here, but I feel like you are trying to protect him from the consequences of his actions. Stop thinking about how you are going to protect him and start thinking about how you will protect you. When you are in a plane and the attendant is telling you what to do in the event there is a need for oxygen, they tell you to put your oxygen on before you put the oxygen on your kids. I hope you get some help for yourself and find some peace with this. If there weren't kids involved i would be writing... run don't walk (that was probably the best advice I didn't listen to many many moons ago) . This is an extremely complicated situation I encourage you to speak one on one with a counsellor who can help you with this. I am sorry you are going through this

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha and welcome to the board and I feel compassion for you and all of us and those to come. The disease of alcoholism isn't curable and only can be arrested by total abstinence. He lied to you and wasn/is lying to himself and others. Based on the lies you have made a wrong choice and are now being victimized by a life threatening disease...not only threatening his life and your and the kids too. If alcoholism isn't totally arrested it is progressive meaning that the situation will only get worse and if he stops for a while and then goes back to drinking it is often like he had never stopped and often too worse than when he started. Alcoholism pre-dates the life of the Christ by thousands of years...it is an age old fatal disease. The Alcoholic has three choices...sobriety...insanity and or death. The insanity and death can also be had by the victims. We learn to take care of ourselves. I also married and alcoholic/addict which eventually caused me to find Al-Anon and the full program including sponsorship which led me to and thru recovery. I have also been born and raised in the disease myself and attend AA too. My sponsor told me that when I found out that I had made a mistake that it was my responsibility to go back and change it. That is what I did. In support...please keep coming back to this family and look for the Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book to see where and when we get together in your area. Don't ride with him when he is drinking and if possible keep the kids from doing that also.. (((((hugs))))) smile

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