lyne I relate to this. At the end I brought my AH home a few times from breaks where he went home to mommy in his fifties. ugh. We had a very good intimate relationship since we were young.

At this time I was a friend to him and he to me. In our relationship we had that first so it was not hard really. I wanted this person in my life as long as I could have him.

So I found I would just love him. I did get mad in the beginning and said something i will never forget and feel bad for. I called him a sexless wonder...geez.

But he didn't really get it as he was sick. So I detached from the Aness with things learned in Al anon. We still lightly kissed, hugged, talked, sat in our double recliner, held hands. It was fine with me, in fact had the physical abuse not started I would want him here now. He has multiple personalities, sadly the horrible one, that was his father a very abusive no conscience person took over completely. so that was that.

So since we are not the ones with the disease, and if we want to be with them, we have to compromise and learn to accept with gratefulness the time we do have with them as it is. Well that was my way anyhow.

I know it is hard to let go of how it used to be. I do know being older that relationships are always changing, even ones that are a marriage.

If you can I invite you to make sure you have others to share and talk to. Fill up some needs for you, possibly learn how to make the best of what you can.

I would leave the room when my Ah got too much. Not make a big deal, just say I am going to go read or make a snack and ask if he wanted one.

Once i had him in the car and drove all over the place in the mountains to get him out He was quiet but felt ok.

I liked to go every week end to do something. day trips. He did not, especially when he was on program, he needed a strict routine. Taking him was out of the question as he ruined it for me. So I went alone. well with a dog or two.

Once i went to a Basset hound get together. they are so much fun, full of slobber and these goofy, crazies,,, the dogs too, together sharing our love for this stubborn, stinky, slobbery breed. lol I went alone with my Tavish. Next thing I know AH had driven to come see us. He did not stay long but it was nice for what it was.

you can do it I know you can if you want to. They are giving all they know how to do. Honestly many don't even know how to ask us hey how are you? What are you doing? Sometime listen and see how many questions do they ask about you? In my experience, it can be zero. I can remember the ones my husband asked of me. I am not kidding. over forty years with him and I remember.

How are you today? huh??? his counselor taught him to ask me. Do you read the whole paper?  huh? where did that come from. i cannot think of any others, well cept when he came to me and asked me to marry him, after months of talking about our marriage and wedding etc and me saying,"Of course you still have not asked me to marry you." lol lol

detaching for me was hating the disease, realizing my dear one was sick and it was not his fault, realizing all this made me love him more, and I as able to let go of the bs the disease brought not him. And find myself saying, I am so so so sorry honey you have to deal with this disease.

Now I have been alone so many years with out him. for me he got so bad he was dangerous. I had to learn to detach again by facing my dear sweet, guitar playing, funny, handsome, silly, hard working, caring man was dead. And he the man i married really is.

ugh. hugs honey, deb