Happy but dismayed simultaneously - Al-Anon Family Group

barbaralewis · Veteran Member

Happy but dismayed simultaneously

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back BL...that vent makes it sound like you need a meeting. How's the program going for you? Don't let her program pass yours up. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

My son died from this disease. I met many AA people who came to the house, sacrificing their time and energy in an attempt to deliver the AA message. I was/am eternally grateful for their efforts. If my son were alive and sober and hanging with AA people I would embrace them, kiss them and appreciate the love, understanding and wisdom they are providing him.

Alanon gave me the tools to keep the focus on myself, stop judging or critiquing anyone and to treat everyone with courtesy and respect. The principles of the program work in all my affairs.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

What a beautiful picture you've used for your avitar!

Your post made me think of two things. The first is that people come into and out of our lives for a reason and perhaps the people in your wife's group are the people she needs at this point on her journey. I wonder how you would be feeling if the group was comprised of successful, attractive high achievers? That would probably have some different, but still negative, pressures as well.

The second thought you've raised in my mind is the book I'm reading - which is a history of Britain in the twentieth century. The two terrible world wars cut through the class structure in a way that bequeathed very positive results. Well bred, aristocratic young people went to work on factory lines and miners and shift workers joined up and rose through the ranks. Theses people showed each other that they were just people, with similarities as well as the differences that had kept them apart for centuries before that. They all had a dedication to their community and country that had never been seen by the other before, especially by those in the corridors of power. And some of the miners etc probably came away from it thinking that the toffs weren't such a bad lot after all as well. Its funny because there is such a resistance to look at 'class systems' and yet so much to learn from them as well.

Jerry is right - we all need our own programmes and I often forget that my husband's is his. I forget to keep the focus on me from time to time!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I live in the usa. We do not have classes here.

We have all kinds of people who live in many different situations, and cope how they believe is their way. Not my job to judge.

What I do know is Addicts do not think or process as a non Addict. What one may see in someone is not acceptable behavior, to another is someone who gets understands where I am at and supports me. We who are not A's have no way of understanding waking up and craving a drug immediately. That it takes support from other AA members to get thru every moment.

For all we know that person who does not live like me, has just gotten my very loved A thru another strong desire to use.

Also like attracts like. She may not be like them to us, but in reality she is where she feels the most comfortable, in AA with other members fighting for her life.

I invite you and husband to go to meetings, come here a lot, we have meetings here too. Read literature,"Getting them Sober," by Toby Rice Drew volume one. One Day at a Time, Courage to change, whatever you choose to read. The Big Book to me is vital to read.

What will help you is to look at your own life, you are to a point.You work hard, have a home. If my sons people were saying that thing about the holes, I woulda said OK comere you, and I will show ya the best ones lol. Or hey you spit like that on my porch you will be spitting into the toilet till you have no spit left!!! smiling the whole time. Then say come in and have some lemonade, you hungry??

Most these A's I don't care what age they are, are kids. They have missed so many benchmarks and milestones of reaching much maturity. I had many sadly young A's come thru my life. many stayed with us and they worked at my house too!

I mean mowing, doing dishes, being a maid, etc. Believe me they know the right way to act. If you carefully just be yourself and guide them with humor and love, they will shine.

At the same time this helps you and your daughter. She will see your acceptance and support. Plus it will make you feel good.

Meetings and working on getting well for you is amazing. Her disease will encompass your whole family, so we need to tell it no, and live our lives happy as she works on hers.

I am a real believer in activities sometimes. Have the crew over for board games and pizza. Allow them to clean up. When they say my back blah blah blah, see if you can respond as they need us to, hey this is a pizza party not a pity me party!!

Then again for us and them say ok so you hurt, what can you do? Then talk about that. If they can ride a bike they can deliver food to people who need it, who cannot get to where it is given out. It helps our program to be positive.

We learn and use our al anon skills to not react to the A's boloney voice. Lightening things up, redirect etc. if they are at your home a lot, its ok to put up some rules in a serious or fun and serious way. In fact sit around a table and do it together.

If they need to let off steam show them the door. count to whatever, us letting go as it is their job to figure it out.

so anyhoooo glad you came in and sure do hope you do again. You have so much energy, maybe we can support you to use it in a way that will give you serenity! love,debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand what you are saying and I have had the honor of working among people such as you have described for the past 30 years. I have also worked in corporate structure for a long period of time, too. The first group gave me a hard time, but saved my life, risked their lives to defend me against someone with wet brain and let me love them in my imperfect and sometimes erroneous way without rejecting me. My clothes, my accent, my shoes, my weight, my education, my gait, my looks were never a subject of discussion for them or a reason to reject me. As much as I hate to say this, the opposite was true for me in corporate structure. Both experiences had their challenges for me, but I always knew somebody had my back with the people who struggled hard in life. In corporate structure, I knew I was expendable and that I was judged on the basis of many things that won't really matter at the end of my life or theirs. I can't say I met anybody who would have died protecting me in corporate structure and I never felt anybody had my back because truth is - no one did. There are lessons to be learned with all sorts of persons, but the persons you have described will have my heart forever. And I'm not an active A or an A. I'm just one woman who learned what I needed to learn among folks who on the outer appeared very different than me and true - had very different values than me - but they were beautiful in their way and they helped me see that I was beautiful, too.

I do hope you continue with Al-Anon and find some peace for yourself, too. As a Mom, I had dreams for my children and expectations, too. I had to let go and let them be true to themselves as they saw fit no matter how difficult that was or is for me. Their lives have a purpose that I have absolutely no knowledge about and only their HP knows what that is. I have had to let my children go into the hands of their HP and say goodbye to my dreams and expectations for them. I would have gone insane if I didn't.

Many prayers for you and for your family. This is a difficult road to traverse but we're travelling it together.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 7th of July 2014 08:51:46 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 7th of July 2014 09:03:19 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You have to let them folks help your daughter. That is what they do and know what it's really like out there. I can remember many I have met that has protected my son when things got really rough for him. They were there.

Let go Let God......and pray for your daughter's recovery because you never know you might have to bury her if she doesn't go into recovery.

((( hugs )))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.