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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> 1st mtg yesterday - what now: best books, strategies, etc.?
Post Info TOPIC: 1st mtg yesterday - what now: best books, strategies, etc.?
allicat1214


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1st mtg yesterday - what now: best books, strategies, etc.?
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I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday.  I have so much to learn and do and process.  I want to get the best books, literature for me and would like your suggestions.  First a little background:

Been married for 30 years.... We always drank socially.  We grew up and live in a big party town.  Discovered husband had anger issues after about 4 years in.  He was Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde in that most time he was great, but when he got angry he was awful.  Anger usually came after drinking.  Never hit me, but threw furniture and I live in fear of angering him to point of him hitting me.  (I saw my father hit my mother when I was 13 after a drunken binge....image & fear never left me.)  We have 2 kids, 4 years apart, now DS23 and DD19.  When DS graduated from hs 5 years ago, AH started avoiding coming home. Worked until 7 or 8 each night, hung out at my brother's house on weekends after playing double rounds of golf for both Sat & Sun, and drinking whole time.  DD thought father didn't want to be with her...difficult during her high school years.  I told him time after time that golf was other woman to me, and that he needed to spend more time with us and DD. Of course, nothing changed.  

Also during past 5 years, I have had major medical issues.  Two major surgeries on my neck, along with fibromyalgia, crohn's disease, and surgical menopause.  In fact, I was in ICU after neck surgery and he was off work to come see in hospital but played golf that day and didn't come until later in afternoon. 

In addition during this time, AH's mother was ill and for about a year I was her chauffeur to doctor visits, etc., since I wasn't working.  AH never maintained any relationships, i.e. never calls family unless I prompt him.  Would always ask me, have you talked with my mom/my sis/our son, etc.  I realize now that I was doing things he should be doing.  Anyway, I finally got up enough courage to say I had to stop to care for me and the family had to find someone else to chauffeur MIL.  He got so angry, called me selfish, said I needed to go to doctor and take care of myself (which I have been doing,etc.)  Long story short:  Other family members got involved. MIL moved into nursing home for about a year, but fell and then died 18 mos ago.

Fast forward to present day: DD is now home this summer after first year in college. (DS is away this summer). I've told AH that this is likely her last summer home and that he needs to spend more time with her.  Straw that broke camel's back came on July 4th.  She had to work during the day but was coming home in evening to spend time with us.  He went to my bros mid afternoon.  When I reminded him that she would be home to see him, he said well I wasn't planning to come home right then anyway.  He finally came home, we had dinner and planned to watch movie all together.  At dinner he asked me about things we had discussed earlier,  I said don't you remember I already told you that....  Then during movie, he passed out within 15 minutes of sitting down.

DD went to room crying, I turned movie off. AH went to bed and passed out. I went to DD and she said "Mom, was he drinking and that's why he didn't remember the earlier convo?  I see you home alone all the time.  You deserve so much more."

BOOM. Of course that hit a nerve.  I've been staying to protect my two kids but was I/am I really helping them?

So late Fri night, I researched Al-Anon and found a meeting Sat morning.  It was good, people are welcoming, and I plan to go to other meetings this week.

I discovered this board early this morning and have been reading posts for past several hours.  From reading I know I have to work on me and gain strength to improve my life, and decide my future.  I'm not working due to illness so I would have to find a job I can do to support myself.  In any event, what books, literature would y'all recommend I get?  I saw a post that mentioned a book about Detachment...  where can I get this?

Also, I feel crazy all the time.  I want him to spend time at home and for us to do things together but on the other hand, I love it when he's gone because at least I'm in peace.  When he's home I'm worried that the least little thing will set him off.  He doesn't drink every day, but likely 5 days out of week. He passes out early, but then gets up early for work and golf.  This isn't typical alcoholism, huh?  Can anyone relate to this? And while he hasn't had major episodes like DUI or things like that, I know alcoholism is progressive and things will just deteriorate.  I heard "Nothing changes if nothing changes" at the meeting yesterday and this rings so true.  

I'm 51. He's been talking about retiring in few years.  I can't honestly picture living like this and things getting worse for the rest of my life.  I want peace. Thanks for reading this long rant.  If anyone has suggestions on my next steps, I would surely appreciate it.



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Newlife girl


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Hello and welcome. I don't think there is a definition for "true" alcoholism. If his drinking bothers you, then it's a problem. I have a lot of al anon books. You can get them at meetings or order them online. One is Discovering Choices. I also really like Opening our Hearts Transforming Our Losses. Also, the small daily reading books like Courage to Change are good.
Another good author is Toby Rice Drews. Her books are on the Nook or online called "Getting Them Sober." Her books helped me understand alcoholism better and how to deal with it. Going to meetings often is a good idea...and eventually maybe you will find a person with lots of ESH who you can ask to sponsor you. My sponsor has helped me so much. Go to at least 6 meetings and see what you think. my sponsor suggested something a bout 6 months ago. She told me to live with my husband like I was a single woman. I found it made it easier to move out. I realized I was doing everything on my own pretty much...so living without him wasn't much different. I lived with active drinking for 11 years. It got worse and worse so I left him in March. 



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 6th of July 2014 11:57:18 AM

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SerenityRUS


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The pamphlet about detachment I believe is in the links up above this area. Read through your new comers packet if you didn't get one please get one the next time!

Two books I love are How Alanon Works as well as a book that is not CAL lit called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews I believe .. or it's reversed .. lol .. anyway .. it's NOT about getting our loved one sober as much as it is getting ourselves emotionally sober. It really hit some key points for me, vol 1 is a GREAT read for beginning Alanon it's short and has LOTS of information to just chew on.

I would also encourage you to get the phone list and start thinking about a sponsor to work the steps with. It helps a great deal!

Anyway, .. hugs, welcome and keep coming back, S :)

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allicat1214


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Thank you!! I'm learning so much from this site.....

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slowlearner


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There is such a thing as a "high functioning" alcoholic. They can hold down jobs and sometimes very good jobs. But the evenings and weekends can be a drunken mess. Or even binge drinking is a problem. When drinking interfers with their life and the lives on their families it's a problem. Keep coming back, it's a wonderful place to be. I know it's has been helping me.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Alli and welcome to the board..."Do we understand"?    We're with you girl all the way.  We've been there and done that ourselves and maybe even a bit different with the same outcome...we needed to be in the program listening with an open mind and getting help for ourselves.  The rooms have a ton of literature and there are tons more on the outside of the program which will inform and help you to understand it or him or them.  Coming to understand myself was the very best information I could and can ever have.  The suggestions you have already gotten and read before you posted are right on...they are the same suggestions which were given to me that I followed up on which saved my life and then my sanity.  Al-Anon is a blessed gift for me and has taught me a new way of living.  I am powerless over alcohol...alcoholic...alcoholism...other people, places and things and so the only responsibility I have is to be responsible to and for myself.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile 



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Debilyn


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i want  you to feel warmly welcomed! you are home here, we care,we have all felt what you feel believe me, and more.

I don't know what DS and DD are? please?

Am sure your daughters see more than you realize or you do. We tend to go into denial as we cannot face how horrible things really are. Our kids are protective us us. They need to see  us be strong and not put up with it. Plus we are teaching them to take the abuse with out knowing it.

Walking on eggshells, yes we all get that. Throwing things is physical abuse. We can make boundaries. ex: if anyone throws anything in this house, I will call the police. period. then we must carry out the consequence. Not telling you to do this, just an example of a boundary.

Or if everyone is not home by ten oclock I am locking the door and you will find somewhere else to sleep. if  they pound on door, abuse outside, call the police. They must suffer consequences of their actions.

As you have learned, him being around does no good anyway. I am so sad for  you and the girls. They do not need to live like this, neither do you.But it is up to you to decide what you want to do.

I don't understand why you have not applied to Social Security disability. Your medical issues sure do qualify. I also want to tell you almost all people who live with A's, mostly significant others, suffer from digestive disease. crohn's, ulcerative colitis, colitis etc.
fyi, get an attorney to do your application etc for ssd or ssi or both. costs you nothing. later they can take 25% of what ssd owes you when you were not covered. Also call asap.

IF you choose to, just info.

I believe if you go on disability, you get money for underaged kids too.

There are programs to help you. Since he is so actively drinking, his disease will only get worse and worse. your situation will deteriorate, so for you to get a handle on things and preparing is vital if one is to have the best outcome.

I sure hope you book mark mip and keep coming regularly! We share our hearts here and honestly become very interested in you and went to help.

You can always pm anyone you feel a connection with, or if you want to pm a mod who is a member too please do! We are all on a path in our lives, not one is further than another as there is so much to learn. I don't keep time well but believe I found mip in 2000 when my husband left, and my Mother had just died. ugh. I took a six month vacation from her when I had 3000 posts so in total I have blabbed my nonsense for over five thousand ofem. lol

Its ok for you to learn to be ok with out him. I just read someone said to learn to be single even though he is sorta around. I like that, it is true. i wish I had been here sooner. I had to lose everything, and all these years later still fight to keep my home! No one is bulldozing me out of here! lol

want to see you coming back!!! debilyn



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KennyFenderjazz


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HI Alli,

The disease definition of alcoholism is that it is progressive. it certainly was in my wife's case. She would binge also. Take slugs of alcohol until she passed out for the evening. She had major depression issues, we had major marital problems, and she was self-medicating. After awhile she would still be drunk when she woke up in the morning, and that is how she got her first DUI. Second DUI came when she didn't even stop overnight, she just kept chugging again when she woke up in the morning, and got busted when she was attempting to pick up our son from school.

No, you can't hide it from the kids. That was especially true when she attempted to pick up the son and was busted in the school parking lot. We had to have a lot of conversations after that.

It made me crazy too. And walked on eggshells. Couldn't talk about her drinking without her just using it as an excuse to drink more or, if nothing else, just be more miserable to be around.

Good ESH above. Just do anything in my experience. Reading is all good, being here on MIP has been great for me due to little time for F2F meetings.

Kenny

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allicat1214


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Thank you all so very much. I do feel very welcome. I bought the "How Al Anon Works" book and downloaded it to my kindle. Wow.... I think I highlighted just about the whole "Become Aware" chapter.

I swear I was so blind! My AH's two sisters are alcoholics. One went through AA and has been sober for years. The other denies she has a problem but has caused chaos in her family. She's had several accidents, though no DUI. My AH and I have spoken about her numerous times in past and after years of defending her saying she could change on her own, he finally admitted that it is chemical dependency. My grandmother was alcoholic, too, so I familiar with obvious signs.

Yet, all this time I didn't consider my AH alcoholic..DUH.. I mean I knew he drank a lot. But he's 6'2" and could always "handle" liquor. And he said his job was stressful. Every now and then, he'd come home late and looked wobbly, but I just thought it was just one of those things...

I thought over the past few years, he was just going through a "mourning" period for my son (DS=dear son, sorry Deb!) being away at college and couldn't relate to me and my daughter (DD=dear daughter), so he'd stay out of the house by playing golf both Sat & Sun, and then go watch sports with my brother. I mean I knew they drank there, but again, dumb me I'm thinking he just liked hanging out with guys and talking sports....a mid-life guy thing.

So few weeks ago, my daughter, who has been having panic attacks, was having one and my son called from out of town saying he was going to the ER. I could really use my husband to be with me and support me and our children. But my AH went to my bro's house after playing golf from 6:30 am to 2 pm. I was just outraged, but as usual didn't speak up.... I'm afraid to express my frustration to him b/c I'm afraid he'll blow up. I was just devastated, but have learned over the years that I really cannot count on him for any kind of emotional support.

I've just gotten used to being home alone, particularly more so since my DD went away. I realize now it was part of isolation from codependency. I literally go to grocery store and not much else. I used to think I really have no right to be mad or embarrassed that he doesn't put me or kids ahead of what he wants to do. I mean he has a great job, isn't out in bars, isn't having affairs, not getting in wrecks..... always wants to take me out to dinner at least once a week.... usually to get Mexican so we can have margaritas together. The only restaurant where I have a drink (now I get why...)

But since my DD has been home this summer, I've gone out a lot with her and realize there's a big beautiful world out there. He basically detached from me b/c I never wanted to go anywhere with him b/c I don't even feel we have a real relationship anymore.... we're basically roommates.

So I realize I enabled him bc I never questioned. I never spoke up and I was always here waiting for him. I would wake him up and send him to bed when he envariably fell asleep 5 min after sitting down.

So when my DD asked if he was drunk the night of July 4th and just didn't remember that we had already talked about what he just asked me... that was my AHA moment. Before then I thought it was me and that I had forgotten to tell him....

Well thank you Al - Anon.... In last 3 days I realized that I need to change me. I had started working out a little over the last few weeks, but now realize it is my purpose in life to get healthy. My AH has refused to see a general doctor in over 9 years. He isn't putting his health as a priority, yet he has high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I have to for me and to be around for my kids. I have just been existing, honestly not knowing my purpose in life, how I could even function and be around in future. I still don't know exactly but I know I have a purpose and am relying on God to show me HIS will for my life.

I realize my AH is a child of God, too. And I'm praying to understand how to treat him as I go forward. I'm just beginning what I know is a LONG way to recovery but for the first time in YEARS I feel hope.

Again, sorry for long post but it feels good to have hope again!

Thank you all so much.



-- Edited by allicat1214 on Monday 7th of July 2014 08:24:17 PM

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