The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up Catholic and married a very Catholic man who happens to be a raging alcoholic who goes to church on Sunday for show, and he's pretty much a hypocrite about it. Anyway for years I tried to find the Catholic within me and I prayed. And grew very bitter when my prayers were never answered and stopped going to church. In this town church is more like a show, let's go to see who showed up, what they were wearing, something to be gossiped about later. It's really pretty fake and I don't see many people getting actual help with their spiritual needs. My prayers were for my AH to stop drinking, pay more attention to his family etc. Maybe my prayers were never answered for a reason, maybe I should have been praying for strength for me. I find my HP when I am alone and peaceful, in my barn taking care of my horses or weeding my flowers. I've spent years trying to fit myself into a mold that wasn't meant for me becuase I didn't know who me was. Coming to Alanon has helped me figure some of this out. I still have a long way to go to trust in a Higher Power and to turn matters over to him/her/it. I have severe trust issues and feel that the only person I can count on is me-which so far hasn't worked very well lol. But now I feel the need to turn things over to my HP and to feel the release of the weight I've been carrying around on my shoulders. The three "C"'s come to mind. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
Beautiful share SL I can so identify . I too prayed that HP do" my will" and became upset when my prayers were not answered.
Enter alanon and I learned how to pray-- Not my will but thine and then to have the faith that no matter what , I will receive the power to do that will. What a gift. Today I pray for courage, serenity and wisdom and am back in Church and feeling every bit of the Faith and belief I could not find years ago.
I so understand your conflicts and observations. As with so many aspects of my life, I saw God through other peoples views, ideas, projections as to who God was and what God was supposed to do with MY prayers of petition. Churches are made up of human beings who believe their interpretations are accurate, they often are not and neither are mine. I love churches, yet, I take what I like and leave the rest. My relationship with the God of my understanding has deepened through al anon because the 12 steps have helped me to understand how to let go and have faith that there is a bigger picture in all areas that I cannot see. I also give myself permission to argue with God, get mad at God, because my relationship is not that of a child waiting for rewards and punishments. I love that you are questioning.
I feel your pain. I know where you are coming from. For years I prayed God would help my husband stop drinking. I felt discouraged when nothing happened. Then I started praying God would help me help my husband stop drinking. I was finding no peace. Finally, I started praying that God would help me. I didnt realize at the time (and Im still learning this) that in order to help my alcoholic husband, I had to first help myself. God led me to Al-Anon. Through Al-Anon, I have learned that I have been an enabler. Everything I was doing was giving my husband more reason to drink. I am learning to put myself and my health first. I am learning SLOWLY how to fix myself. I know now that this is the best way I can help my husband.
I have the three Cs, the Serenity Prayer, and the slogan Let Go and Let God posted so that I can see it daily. This is a constant daily reminder for me.
Thank you for sharing.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I understand what you are saying about your church experience and your experience with your AH. Practicing faith in our HP's guidance and wisdom is different than practicing the tenets of a particular Christian denomination - whether Catholic or Protestant. I notice that as my understanding of my HP changes while I change, so do my prayers. Like babies - there is no wrong way for them to grow through various stages of maturation and rituals of passage. I do believe that the same is true for our prayer life and our way of "doing church" and being present to our HP who is present to us. I've met many people in different churches and faith traditions who are attending church services for reasons that aren't mine. I've also met many other people in different churches and faith traditions who draw strength from having a quiet and safe structure to count on to be there for them at least one day a week. They might not always know why they're there or even what they get out of being there, but they still are there and being knit together in some way by the structure, the routine, the rote or spontaneous prayers, the being with others who also need the same things. Not unlike Al-Anon to me. In fact, my home group I have often viewed as my "church home" where I can find safety, structure, routine and people in varying degrees of healing and faith in their HP to whom I belong. Although I don't always understand how being at the meetings is "knitting me together," I can feel the peace in me and the safety of the meetings for me and for others who join the membership/fellowship.
I understand, I was brought up with god that was difficult to understand, he had a white beard and he watched your evey move and he was a bit scary. Religion in my part of the world has been used to seperate people and divide communities. I grew up with sectarianism all around me, so I made my mind up very early that religion was not for me. However, im becoming more spiritual and I have faith in a higher power that is growing all the time, my higher power is more than a god to me, its about nature. Maybe im a pagan then.lol. I kind of like not being a ....catholic, protestant, anything. I have been christened, but ive never really felt I belonged to any church and im actually grateful, im like a clean slate in some ways, I define my own faith, I define my higher power and its a very personal thing for me. I have found that my prayers are answered these days, but they are about my higher powers will, rather than mine because I cant see round corners and I dont know what's best for anyone. Great post.x
