The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First time poster, but desparate for some thoughts of people who have lived with an alcoholic spouse and who has been in active, serious recovery.
My husband has been a heavy drinker for years. He had 3 years of a dry-drunk phase, but then the past 3 years of resumed drinking and the last year of extremely heavy drinking. This most recent heavy drinking included an unmanageable work environment. He quit drinking a month ago and lost his job the week after drinking. I I naively thought his recovery would take care of everything. I know that is wrong and that patience and tolerance are needed. Also in the course of the last year my daughter has struggled with her own depression and own substance abuse. The drinking, my husband's misery at work, and the issues we experienced with my daughter took a severe toll on my marriage and I recently discovered my husband had also been having an affair. I'm not sure when the physical side ended, but I know it has ended right now. He says he loves her. He also says that she is encouraging him to try to work things out with me first before pursuing the relationship. We are able to have dialogues that are productive, but also have monologues of his blaming me for everything and that "I drove him over the cliff." He says that AA says not to make any life-changing decisions while in recovery. He also acknowledges that he was wrong. They do continue to talk on the phone and text each other. A most recent text from her said something to the effect that "It is so hard to encourage you to work things out with your wife."
I know that I can't control him. I know that I need to trust God in all this and I know that my self-worth is from being created in God's image and being His child. These are all lessons that I know and that I'm working very hard to own in my spirit. I've told my husband repeatedly that I'm committed to trying to work things out and I am committed to helping him with his recovery. I also know I need to do some serious examination of my part in enabling and co-dependence and control.
So my struggle is whether or not I should let time pass and see what happens with him and this woman? Books says patience and tolerance are key for family recovery. As I Christian, the Bible says that I need to be patience, kind, loving, humble. My husband has said that he isn't going to resume the physical relationship, but how OK is it to accept the ongoing phone conversations and texts. If I lay down the law now, will it push him away permanently? If I don't lay down the law, am I enabling still? We've been married almost 25 years with two daughters, I and can't bear the thought of throwing it away, but also struggle with what I can and should accept. Nothing would make me happier than for him to come through his recovery and for us to build a new, stronger relationship and family.
Glad you found us. Im sorry you are going through this. It seems to be a fairly common situation when alcoholism is affecting a family. In alanon face to face meetings I learned to work on me and building a happy life for me. I cant be happy and live with active drinking so I dont live with it, some people can with very strong recovery work. I think the bible says you should be patient, kind, humble etc but its talking about being all that to yourself as well as others. Living with alcoholism is too much to do it alone, im glad you have reached out, hopefully you can take it further and embark on your own recovery with alanon, it will change your life for the better if thats what you want.
Welcome to MIP. If your husband is still texting and talking to her, I see that as you do: Inappropriate to a marriage where two people are working on the relationship with the mutual goal of holding up each partner's part of the contract made when you both married. Al-Anon helped me learn to focus on myself first and not on the other person. Being patient with myself first. Being loving with myself first. Being kind to myself first. Being gentle with myself first. Being humble in my relationship with God by admitting I needed help and surrendering to God's help in whatever form it came - and for me it was separation and later divorce plus Al-Anon and grief recovery groups. In Al-Anon I realized that I had misunderstood the admonition to love God and my neighbor as myself for many, many years. Al-Anon helped me learn that loving God, myself and then others was a much better order to follow than to put God first, others second and me third. Much encouragement for you as you learn the difference between unnecessary sacrifice and mercy - for you. It sounds to me as if you have had a very, very difficult time of it for a long time. I'm glad you're here. I hope you keep coming back and going to Al-Anon for you, too.
Hi kebwcb Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am so very sorry for the confusion and pain that you are experiencing as a result of this dreadful disease. It certainly sounds as if you have the principles and concepts of the Program down l and also know that it will take continued practice for them to become part of your true heart and soul .
Alanon suggests that we work the program diligently for 6 months before making any major changes. The reason for this is that it takes time to develop and use the great new insights and tools to live by. I found my self esteem restored and the courage and wisdom to take the next right action for me.
I must note that I too thought I could not throw away a 17 year marriage and did not. He passed from cancer 7 years later and although, it was one of the most painful experiences in my life, I was happy I had program and learned and used this beautiful principles and tools. Keep coming back
I am going to be honest. Hope you don't mind. My ex (not an alcoholic) had a few affairs. I remember that feeling of not being wanted and he would hide the phone calls and letters...this was before texting. It was awful. The trust was gone. My AH currently has ruined the trust in my marriage. For me, once the trust was gone, there was no marriage! I am going through divorce #2 so I understand how you feel. Your kids will be ok...in fact they might be proud of you if you kicked him to the curb. You deserve better than this. I was always worried about getting an STD too...something to think about! And do you want your kids thinking this is how a woman should be treated? My kids were a major deciding factor for me to end it. Yes, I am sad they didn't get a "normal" family life...but sometimes we have no choice and we have to put ourselves first. I wouldn't be able to put up with him having any contact with the other woman at all. I never really new for sure when or if they were having sex because he was a liar...so how could I ever know the truth? I told my ex to cut off all contact with the other woman and he couldn't do it, so we divorced. He married her and now they are getting divorced too. Oh well! Sometimes they think the grass is greener on the other side...they need to try it out for themselves...sometimes it isn't better is it??
Be strong and have boundaries for what behaviors you will or will not put up with. But don't make threats you can't carry out. In al anon there's a list of do's and dont's. They're helpful.
Hold your head up high. Keep coming back.
Ok, I am going to a hard a*** here. Let go of the Bible stuff...many get themselves into trouble living what they believe the Bible is telling them. Unless you are really good with your husband having an affair with another woman while he supposedly is in recovery and married to you (and they don't have to be having sex to be having an affair), you state what works for you and what does not work for you; calmly and strongly. You are worth more than his lousy leftovers. Find an al anon meeting, get your self esteem back and choose, with your head up, what works for YOUR life. (((hugs)))
I know the Bible tells us to be patient, kind, loving, humble, but it does not say doormat. Keep coming back...we will love you, support you and be honest with you.
