The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After reading so many life experiences posts that have been so encouraging, I actually feel so wonderful because I am not alone.
Being the wife of an AH, there are many common things that I cannot describe but were so wonderfully written here.
1) getting excited over the slightest improvement in attitude or drinking behavior
2) waiting for AH as if I was a little dog waiting for her owner
3) to live in resentment when it all falls apart again. Many nights, I would lay at the edge of the bed, while breathing in the fumes, fuming and self loathing for not leaving.
4) buying into the he is just a poor soul waiting for me to rescue. If I am a little more patient, kind, loving, accommodating, ...
5) living my life around his behavior. I could wait for 2 hours for him to get out of bed and ready but in the end, he will blame me for being the one late! My kids have learnt this behavior of taking their own sweet time too.
6) thinking that if I leave, he would die. However, this has been proven so wrong. I moved and God has kept him and people around him safe.
7) thinking that I cannot bear goodbye forever. Actually I can. "This too shall pass" has been so encouraging and true.
8) looking for justice. After clearing my head, I can only ask "what justice?" I am not a saint.
Now I am so much happier and has to work not to be drawn into it all again. I have to remember live (me and him) and let God.
congratulations to us all who survived!!
-- Edited by sunshine23 on Sunday 6th of July 2014 08:13:28 AM
Thank you sunshine, it is such a good feeling, I think its freedom, freedom from our self pity, martyr playing, victim role, self rightousness, judging, controlling, resentment. Learniing we have choices, a right to a good life like everyone else, we can shape our life to look exactly as we want it too and it doesnt depend on anyone being sober. Thank you, great gratitude list.x
Our sobriety sure leads to freedom for us! Living life on life's terms and wrapping yourself in the cloak of humility and willingness looks good on you, Sunshine. I, too, have worn the masks of compliance and being somebody's HP. All I am is one woman doing the best she can with what I have to work with and I've learned that is enough for me. I loved your share. Powerful and honest. Thank you.
I have another lol moment. AH apologized for sending me nasty text again and claimed he has flu so cannot meet the kids. I would have been all happy and encouraging again a month ago. However, I just read it as if it is just a normal text. Guess what, 4 hours later, the nasty texts are back. Flu sure is not enough to stop drinking.
I have to remember that I left to go into recovery for me. I cannot let him manipulate me again. Goodbye forever is a must if staying means death for us all.
Come back here to get courage and clarity everyday. We are doing well!! Some days better, others not as well. But we will get there.
