Good Morning Unicorn

I am so sorry your going through this,and I think and feel you did exactly the right thing, in my own personal experience people that threaten you with suicide rarely do it, it's just a cruel form of manipulation and a cry for help, stay strong and keep seeking the help it's out there, for all of you, your wife will have to take responsibility for the outcome of her behaviours, of course she may or may not, your in support.

regards

Katy

  x

That took courage and was completely the right thing to do. When we minimise, hide, fix, cover up for all this bad behaviour it sends them the message to keep going and nothing uncomfortable will happen to you. This has been a natural consequence of her behaviour, this is what alcoholics lack often, just the normal, natural consequences that occur in life. They usually have people who cushion them, this leads them to believe they can do whatever they want, like little toddlers.

Now you have stood up to her, can you keep going? If you dont want her back home, pack up her things and put them on the porch, dont let her in, if she makes a fuss call the police. Treat her like you would a normal person, dont tolerate bad behaviour, she will get the message quickly and it may be just what she needs, it is definately what you need for your own self respect, self esttem, claim back your life. Noone needs to or is forced to live with this behaviour, it is too much for anyone. You have choices. Good luck, I hope you can do the right thing.

My AS behaves the way your spouse does when using. As his mother, the worst thing I can do is take him in to live with me AGAIN. He is as dangerous to me as he is to himself and others when drugs and alcohol(a drug) have total control of his mind. Giving him a soft place to land also helps him continue to drink and be destroyed by alcoholism. He might still be destroyed by alcoholism even without having a soft place to land in my home, but I won't be responsible for contributing to that destruction by letting him move in with me again. The disease is angry with you and not the person who is being destroyed by it. We are powerless over that disease and the person with it. Nothing we say or do has any effect on that disease. Admitting that we need help for ourselves - this disease wants to destroy us, too - and getting into recovery for ourselves is one of the best ways I know to counterbalance the effects of this disease on us - whether or not our loved one continues drinking.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 6th of July 2014 08:01:37 AM

No...you did great. I literally had that same experience with my ex...almost word for word....You are not alone.

You did the right thing. I wouldn't let her back into the house. Just my opinion.

Thank you everyone. Your words and positive reinforcement got me through last night without worry or guilt. They released her today (out of my control) she called and left a message letting me know where she was and how I could reach her (didn't want to reach her but ok) then when I didn't call her she called again and asked whether I could pick her up. I reiterated her question and asked her how she got there in the first place (patrol car). I told her I wasn't picking her up (only 5 miles away) and good luck finding her way home. She then asked how she was supposed to get home if I didn't pick her up. I told her good luck with that. She ended up taking the bus home. First she took the wrong one and went the opposite direction and it took her 2 hours to travel home from the hospital that's just 5 miles away. Now she's passed out on the bed recovering. Thank you everyone. I hope I can provide the same comfort you kind strangers provided me to someone else one day. Off to unicorn hunt!! Haha

 

Welcome UHunter and also glad you found this family.  Hope you keep coming back and to your Al-Anon meeting also.  My former wife was also alcoholic and addict and I did, I think, just about everything to either teach her how to drink and use to stopping under severe consequences...nothing worked and I didn't get saner I got crazier.  There was police...for her and for me...and there were hospitals and institutions and more.  I didn't know what it was all about and therefore didn't know what to do with or about it. Before I got into Al-Anon my thought was that she was doing "it" to just hurt and piss me off and she was succeeding cause I was and then for me she stopped being my wife and became a bitch and with that attitude life got more worse and insane than I would have ever expected. By some miracle I found the doors into Al-Anon and learned early on that my wife wasn't a bad person...she was a sick person with a life threatening disease and that disease was killing me also.   I learned that I had a wife who I loved and an alcoholic who I'd rather not have in my life...deciding which one was who at anytime was the trick and that is where the program worked for me.   Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical...a liquid depressant...a whole body destroyer; cell by cell which can also destroy who ever comes into contact with the alcoholic...mind, body, spirit and emotions.   I was sicker and more insane than my spouse was and I needed help.  Never could understand why I married her because I was thinking of not.  Working the program and learning many many things such as detachment and not controlling and manipulating my alcoholic/addict was good for me because it kept me out of reach mentally, emotionally and spiritually.   I could use the space to change my perceptions and behaviors.  I also "allowed her the dignity" of her choices like your allowing her to figure out how to get home by herself because she got to where she was on her own in the first place.  Learning how to make the change without anger or judgment or shame and blame was huge for me.  I loved her and needed how again to act that out.

Don't second guess your decisions after you make them.  Do it before you make them.  Hind sight is 20/20.  This is a life threatening disease and that doesn't mean only hers.  Take care of yourself.  Keep coming back (((hugs)))