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Things have been a lot calmer in my household/mind/heart for the last few days, thanks HP, MIP, Al_Anon!
However today I kind of wobbled a little bit.
It is Friday night and H has the weekend off (and we know what it means). I have been swimming in coursework and research for the last 2 weeks as tomorrow is my last day at school before summer, I just did not want to have a backlog of stuff to do during my daughter's / tutors summer holidays. So I decided to carry on working till late tonight and get as much done as possible.
Than I start looking at the clock and worrying about H. He had a late shift but I knew he would not come straight home even though he said he would (and I didn't even ask)...I have not done it for ages, I mean looking at the clock late at night and wondering where he is, when he might be back and what is gonna happen.
But today I did. I knew I needed peace to finish my coursework and I was getting a bit anxious.
In he comes, yeah he had a drink of course, but wasn't "drunk"...he stands next to me, in front of me and behind me and keeps talking, talking, talking...he is not being unpleasant, but I have heard the same old stories for nearly 10 years now and I know them back to front. I keep reading and writing and pretending I am listening to him, I don't need to concentrate on what he is saying, I know exactly what he is talking about word by word.
But c'mom! At that time of the night, I am usually sleeping or reading in my bed, but today I was sitting at a table with my laptop opened on office and a big course book, loads of paper and clearly very busy indeed. He knows well I have a deadline for tomorrow morning and it is not the first time it happens, he knows when I am wokring like that I need to concentrate.
But I am calm, I am fine. He tries to do a massage on my shoulders and is extremely surprised how relaxed I am. I did not used to be relaxed like this.
Than he goes to a shower and comes back. More talking. Wants hugs. Kisses my neck. More massage.
I than explain again (trying not to be mean) that I have loads to do and need to concentrate and be left alone.
He huffs and puffs, goes for a cigarette.... how is it unfair, and how I am unbelievable, and he even had a shower! For what?
I ignore. say nothing. Keep working.
Than he lies on the sofa and falls asleep in 5 seconds....
I think he was trying to sabotage me, him, us, life.
Because things were kind of ok lately. But he spent the whole week having time for himself, not initiating nor engaging in much conversation and not having a shower nor bath...yes, it is hot over here, and he hasn't washed for 5 days.
And he had been sleeping in the sofa a lot, because finally after almost 10 years he decided to listen that I am disgusted by him not showering as often as he should and wasn't nice to share a bed or be close to him...so he made the decision of sleeping in the couch INSTEAD of showering...
But not today...today he had a shower and he wanted to be close...but he knew very well today i couldn't and wouldn't.
I think he is not understanding why I am not trying to control him anymore...I don't mention his drinking at all anymore...I don't ask him for anything anymore...I don't check whether he has had a wash and I don't care if he is sleeping on the couch. And I am relaxed! Even when he comes late from the pub! Even when he tries to talk when I am super busy...even when I have a deadline...
He does need to find a way to blame me, doesn't him?
Sorry to ramble, I am so tired but so happy with myself. I (almost) finished my targets and will have a good day at school tomorrow. One more step towards my SELF development.
Xxx
Me
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
See!!! It works when you work it. He ain't working it and so "if nothing changes...nothing changes" Sounds like he missed his dessert before going to sleep. lol and then he went to sleep didn't die right? and he did it clean. Yay!! Swing right hand over left shoulder (you) and pat yourself on the back. Good Job!! (((((hugs)))))
So glad you kept your focus on you and what you had to do no matter what he did or didn't do. Wow! That certainly wasn't an easy thing for you to do and you did it.
I am just so relieved on how it is so much easier not to get involved in the arguments he invites me to.
Believe me, if wasn't for the amazing help I am receiving from this program, I would be so streesed out about him coming late and interrupting me, that I would probably decide to give up and try to sleep before he comes.
Or I would close my computer and book as soon as I realised he wouldn't leave me alone.
I would probably engage in his pointless chat and try to find a way to mention that I was expecting him back earlier because he told me he would and from there go down a slippery slope of: 'how he can't be trusted, how he can't control his drinking, how alcohol is more important, and how he has being 5 days without washing blahblahblah.
It is an amazing discovery to know that I can just ignore, I can chose not to talk, not to force my opinion and not try to make him understand my point of view.
I don't need to win the argument. I don't need to have the final say.
It is a big relief!
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Yes Jerry and of course he said all he was trying to was to 'comfort' me and 'support' me....
Really? Why just dont stfu and let me work? This is what I needed, not a kiss on the neck!
Doesnt get more self absorbed than that.
Before this programme I would be feeling terrible: how he was trying to be nice and I am such a bad wife....
And I would apologise for being busy of course.
Now I can read the situations better.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Well done. I love it when I have that realisation- hey, it doesn't MATTER if he is angry sad or throwing a wobbly, that's his business!! I have so been there, every time I tried to focus on me and not fuss over or argue with him he'd decide it was time to liquor up, have a shower and start the seduction act and I'd feel awful for "being mean" and rejecting him. Ugh! He didn't want attention all of those times when I needed him!! Only when he sensed I wasn't focused on him him him!!! They all seem to do the same dance. Its so wonderful to be able to see it now and not take responsibility for someone else's feelings, isn't it?? I'm loving being able to 'read situations better" now too. Yay!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I've had the same experience with a deadline for a course that I was doing. Well done for staying with what you needed to to and not giving up on yourself. Great work!
Yeah, well done, that is what its all about, thats freedom. To me, this is detachment with love. You kept your own power, civil, courteous, kept on. Dont you just love alanon. Have great day.x
