The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The 4th of July is my AH's favorite holiday. He likes to blow things up. Seriously. I am hating him one day, then wanting to share a holiday with him the next. I am trying to create something in my life that has NEVER existed!! My 2 marriages have been LIES and HURT the majority of the time. So why do I feel lonely?? I always feel sad that I never really had a "normal" marriage. Both husbands live(d) double lives. My picker is definitely broken. My feelings are all over the place. We used to go to a fun family 4th event that he didn't like. I went to it since my kids were very little. This year the church isn't doing the program any more. They would have fireworks and a very patriotic family program for 3 nights in a row! It was great. I would usually take the kids without him. I could see the fireworks from my house. I guess I just have a hard time with change. A hard time with LIFE. Feeling sad tonight. But, I try to look at the positive. I am working in a new hospital...we moved out of the old one. It is a great hospital and I love our unit. AH and I used to work together, not at the same time...but same place. It saddens me that he won't experience the new unit. But, I am trying to keep the focus on myself and how much I love the new unit. I worked today so I got holiday pay, which is nice. He was fired, in case people don't remember...and I am trying to look at that as a positive thing too. If I had to go through a divorce while still working with him...it would be much harder than it is now without him there. Things happen for a reason I suppose.
My new goal is to NOT talk about him at work. New workplace, new attitude.
It's a lot of work for me to be positive and easy on myself. :(
I wish I had some great wisdom and don't--other than I think some days are tough, especially if they call up memories. Glad you came here and glad we all can come here for support. You are not alone in your feelings.
I hope you have a peaceful night and do something just for yourself.
Don't make him the most important thing in your life and you won't talk about him as much. There are many other things to be grateful for that you can talk about and are more positive. Good on you that you have found the new hospital one of those. Alcoholics are so very self centered narcissistic personalities which can suck the energy out of a flat tire. Ugh!! I can still remember being there and doing that giving and receiving it. Might be a very good time to do an inventory of the positive sides of you and not the negative sides of him. You are a professional care giver...a PMA is one of you best tools. Sorry you have "a" hard day up till now. You can restart it anytime you want.
Your doing great, I think that feeling lasts for a while, its like our addiction maybe. Someone here said they made a list with all the reasons they left in the first place and reminded themselves when thye felt like this. I never done this, whenever I thought about his negativity, that ended any lonely, missing him fantasies there and then. Also, I cant stand him for very long to be honest, were ok for a short time then the whole I, self, me surfaces, not to the same degree but its still there and thats it for me, time to go. He has the power to take me down a dark path, my dark side would resurface quickly. There are bits of him I miss, he has some good traits but its the general day to day attitudes and opinions that I cant cope with for long.
