The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow I had some bad days there. Daughter is away, the bad news just kept coming and coming, every silver lining turned out to be a bigger blacker cloud coming from behind, lol I let it get on top of me big time. I got into bed and I stayed there for days. No-one needs to tell me that isn't healthy or good but i didn't have anywhere I was meant to be, not a soul in the world to talk to, no child to set an example for so I just lay in bed. Until the dog pooped on the floor. Apparently they do that when you don't take them outside. Then I stayed in bed more except for brief visits to the back-yard. (I can't let him outside anymore because the neighbours have another free-range rabbit. But that's another story). I was not feeling good in fact I felt like I was never going to be able to move or smile again. I took my herbs and drank lots of water and kept willing myself to snap out of it but, ooh I was feeling bad. Sometimes I get like that; people have all kinds of opinions about depression not existing or whatever; I dont know what the truth of it is but I know that sometimes I feel like I cannot get back up again and it can be overwhelming and a serious battle to snap out of.
Then yesterday I woke up, and remembered my toolbox. I didn't want to but I ran through my al-anon routine (which I seem to have abandoned weeks ago, and I ended up feeling miserable and hopeless, go figure...) anyway i did that stuff and then made myself shower and get dressed, hair was a birds-nest and I have the worst cold-sores I've ever had and OMG I have never had big black bags under my eyes before, I look AWFUL but I went into town anyway looking like I crawled out from under a rock (I had to go and visit the job-agency who have decided I'm not allowed to study anymore because i'm taking too long and if I don't have a job within a certain time no more funds (I was getting student allowance now I have to be on a job seeker allowance) the really really stupid part of it is, I can start another course if I want and they will pay for it and I can re-start my student allowance, but the course I am doing is not acceptable because I didn't finish my last lot of units within 12 months. BUT once I finish the units I am doing and enrol in a new lot that course is acceptable again and i'll be allowed to finish it, oh GOOD GRIEF it's just a BIG MESS THAT I CREATED AND I HAVE NOBODY TO BLAME EXCEPT FOR MYSELF!!! lol. The weird and silly thing is that there is a job for a librarian but you have to be enrolled in a librarian degree and they would pay for me to do that PLUS I could get the librarian job (they would so hire me, have you SEEN my glasses? So librarianish. I always thought i'd quite fancy being a librarian, so i could just forget about the course I am half-way through, not be a naturopath and just be a librarian instead with a part time hob to go with it. Now wouldn't THAT be simple and fun!! But I don't want to quit yet another thing, i want to finish the freaking degree I started and be a freaking naturopath like I said i was going to!!!!!!! Which means if I don't find work soon I'm going to be in a whole world of trouble. And if I don't get these units finished soon I'll also be in a lot of trouble.
Which is great but I also need to find a home and get ready for my next driving test and pack up this home and...well, it was a worry that I could have done without just right at this exact moment.
As you can tell I'm super-confused career wise and really, really pissed with myself for wasting the past few years obsessing over ABF, managing the horrid mess that goes with him and NOT studying when I had the chance and the funds. UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH!!!!!!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAH!!
But anyway my toolbox did get me out of bed. It did get me into a positive frame of mind. It did remind me to say "OK HP here you go. Have a huge freaking mess. I'm going to focus on having a shower. Getting dressed. Getting on a bus. Going to town. Etc. It did remind me to write down the tasks I have to do in small managable blocks and then just pick one and do it. So, the lounge is now cleaned out and packed up more or less (before it was such a mess that i couldn't even face it and i was so, so afraid of what I was going to find under and behind the couch. Mostly Christmas decorations, it turned out. And a lot of ABF's underpants and socks, presumably he flings them over the back of the couch as part of some kind of ritual. I'm not really sure. Anyway nothing attacked me.
What else did I find in my toolbox? A reminder to get some exercise. So I walked the dog on the beach today. Yay. A reminder to eat. Veggie soup made and devoured...check. A reminder to laugh...funny book dug out and being read whenever I feel morose...check.
I think I might actually make a nice little box with a copy of the slogans, the just for today card, a can of veggie soup, a garbage bag and a little duster, a bar of nice soap, a funny book, a dog leash...lol. Put it under my bed as my "emergency toolkit" for next time I feel like I just can't to remind me of all the things I can do to make myself feel like I can again.
Sorry for babbling. I'm all over the place but, I'm getting there. It seems like every plan I make gets pulled apart in front of my eyes but obviously, they aren't the right plan. So, next right thing, next right thing and after that, next right thing...
-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 4th of July 2014 03:26:42 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Melly...The best part of this post was it was all about you and not the ABF/ex. Of course you know you can share about him if you need, but I do like hearing about your independent life and choices. Don't beat yourself up over the past though.
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I love the idea of the emergency tool box under the bed. I think that mine will have also have my just for today card, nail polish and tweezers, dog picture, clean pillow case and some photos. I like your idea of a duster as well! Well done on getting into town and keeping the ball rolling, and it is always lovely to hear about your walks on the beach. Take care of you, we care! ((((Hugs)))))
I can remember when I was first hired in what became my life among other things for a long time. I thought I was being asked to create an organization because I had background in so many things that would be helpful to the people I was going to work among for the next 27 years. Everything I tried failed at first. I told one of my mentors that I just couldn't seem to come up with a plan that worked. He said: "Woe be to the people if YOU have a plan." Since nothing seemed to work but I still was the person responsible for doing something, the something I did by then was to watch what doors opened for me and what seemed to form itself around me. I ended up creating activities, programs and services for people on a felt-need basis - not because I thought it would work but because the folks showed me and told me what they needed and what they wanted. It got much easier from there when I took myself out of the driver's seat and just watched and waited and hung out with folks and listened to what they had to say. From there I was able to do what I could do and nothing ever failed from that point on and nothing was anything like I had planned in the very beginning. Turning my will, my life, my plans into my HP's hands did work although it took me to follow through on what was revealed to me as I listened with my eyes, my heart, my ears. Much encouragement and support, Melly, as you continue to work your program and do the next right thing that is revealed to you to do for you and for your daughter one day at a time.
Melly So good to see you back and sharing . I hear a few good possibliities available and I know that with your "toolbox" and HP guiding you those opportunities will develop.
Love your hat and you look beautiful as ever. :)
I love the idea of writing ou the slogans and keeping an emergency box, ive got a bag like that, my alanon bag. I keep meaning to make a god box, where I can send my problems up and away.x
I was meant to be well and truly finished my degree and in practice making money and saving a deposit for my own house by now. Sigh.
I can't imagine myself doing anything else but there's such a long way to go still.
Ijust need to have faith that even though i'm going to have to work quite a bit, the improvement in my lifestyle and emotional health and stuff, from a) living in a house that only contains daughter and I and Bowie and Michael Douglas (And maybe a pig, I really want one now that i have seen debs...lolol joking I don't need more pets) and b) having money and human interraction from working will give me energy and motivation to finish my course and still achieve that end.
Now, today, the mission is to hand out resumes in all of the local cafes. And it's back to making coffee like I am 18 again...sigh....
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Sister..this was where I started over taking little bites and little steps because I came to understand that while my alcoholic/addict was severely addicted...so was I and I couldn't just think myself into recovery with the same brain and behaviors which got me there. I had to "re-behave myself". I took responsibility for getting myself into the mess I was in and it was luck that had me survive long enough to find the doors of Al-Anon when I wasn't even looking for them. "We get as sick as the alcoholic...." was a truth which came from the definition of alcoholism which we use to read in the rooms before each meeting. The disease has beat you up badly...I suggest that you don't do anything that looks, sounds, feels like you are continuing the beating. The disease handed me the bat when it was moving away from my life and encouraged me to continue beating myself all over with it. Depression is often defined as "Anger turned inward" and I came to agree with that and stopped being angry with myself. I learned to say and encourage myself with "I've done the best I can with what I have" (thanks for one more AFG) and repeated that over and over until I came to believe it and move on to doing better. Love yourself like we love you Mel...unconditionally and widely. (((((hugs)))))
My first post didn't feel right, so I deleted it. You don't need a cheerleader or reminder of what you already know. You did what you needed to do and now you are seeing possibilities. (((hugs)))
