Back at Step One - Al-Anon Family Group

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Back at Step One

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im glad you are going to face to face meetings, they are so supportive and there is so much to learn. Its so hard to detach with love from their behaviour. Its easier if you fill your time doing nice things for yourself, it could be meeting with people, watching movies etc anything that stops you thinking about him. You might also, when your ready, set some boundaries, if his disappearing acts are unacceptable to you then thats your truth and its okay to calmly tell him you wont stand for it and if he does it again there will be a consequence, like, lock the door, dont let him in or take yourself away for a few days, show him that you mean what you say, words just dont cut it. You could also report him missing, get the police out there looking for him, he wont like that and it will show him that this is not normal, considerate, rational behaviour and now that you are becoming a rational person the thats the behaviour that is accepted now. It does wonders for your self esteem when you start protecting yourself from harm, protecting your serenity. I did it and I have so much more trust in myself, its made me open to more fulfilling relationships in every aspect of my life.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in recovery a long time and never leave step 1 behind, any of the steps, really. They are never completed, however they are deepened the further one goes into recovery. I think of them contained within a spiral and each time I go around the spiral, the more wisdom I get; then, the easier they get to integrate into my life. As el-cee stated, know what is intolerant and enforce your boundaries. The boundaries and are not for him, they are for you and your well being. Let him live with the uncomfortable choices of his bad choices, not you. He will not get how his drinking affects you unless he is in recovery. He may care, but, he is powerless over his disease...it is his dark lover. Your life is worth happiness and peace of mind whether you chose to stay or go....your HP does not want you to suffer or be miserable. This is INDEPENDENCE DAY biggrin

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand and can relate to your share. One thing I was particularly drawn to in your share is feeling like you are condoning his drinking if you don't say anything? One of our readers states that if we say something once for us, then we're being honest about our thoughts and feelings about a behavior that is troublesome to us. If we continue to repeat it, we are probably trying to impose our will on our loved one. (paraphrased) I learned I could talk and talk, get as angry and as frustrated as I wanted, the disease kept doing what it does. By focusing on myself and how I was bingeing on the same behaviors over and over again and getting nowhere but anxious, depressed, sad, frustrated and angry to the point of feeling my heart rate increase and headaches abound, I decided to say what I needed to say to and about me. I had to find another way to think, feel and behave so that I could decrease stress and increase peace whether my loved ones drank or didn't drink, drugged or didn't drug. I was as powerless over how I thought, felt and behaved as I was over my loved ones and alcoholism. Seeing how that disease affected me, I upped my meetings, got a sponsor, and turned to my HP - the only one in my relationships not affected by that disease.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You know it is very, very hard to change how we think about something at times. I know for me I had to relearn some things and put them to practice that were difficult, but ultimately made my life sooo much better. Example I can choose how i react to things.

I learned my dear loved ones were addicts, were born this way and no matter what I did I could not stop the disease.

As far as permission. There is no such thing. The A cannot accept your permission or no permission. It has nothing to do with anything. The A's are craving a drug, their bodies are craving a drug. They cannot just stop! If we choose to allow them the dignity to be who and what they are, not react to if they use or not, we become much better people. They then do not have to feel so guilty over that they cannot control.

We learn in Al Anon that we are "powerless" over this disease. We have no control, not one bit. I find it much more comfortable to just love them, and I compromise how i look at it. They do not do it on purpose. I say it is none of my business, but mean its no use to make it my business becuz I can do nothing about it.

I can keep myself informed, meaning if they are a cheater,which is not a symptom of addiction, it is up to me to stay or go, up to me not to have sex with them or not. As their actions only affect me if I choose to allow it.

I can have my own finances, I can have my own vehicle with my own insurance. Anything in my life will be arranged so his disease cannot devistate me or upset me.

The A has enough "stuff" to deal with, without me trying to give them mine. It is not my job to judge, give permission or not. He or she is an adult, if I choose to be in a relationship with them, it is up to me to accept them as is, or break the marriage, friendship or whatever relationship.

All I do by getting into it is make myself sick or allow the disease to make me sick.

Being powerless is no different than our wanting to control the weather, or how long our life will really be. Its a disease that could not care less about us, it has no heart, no love, no brain.

If you choose to stay, then what is better than just loving them and accepting them as is and learn skills to do this and have serenity?

I am so proud of you for opening up and saying this out loud. Sometimes it takes us a long time to live this concept! But I am telling you the serenity you will receive is priceless! hugs!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I too repeat the first step each morning when I wake up. After the serenity prayer, I remind myself that I am powerless over people, places and things and that I will turn my life over to HP today. Then when I get upset or try to take control, I simply repeat the slogan:" Let go and Let God "over and over. The program is a process, We never graduate

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

After practice the words just after alcohol also include people, places and things and I get to my own life only. The alcoholic is an addicted sick person...not a bad one. Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue. Trying to force my alcoholic/addict to follow my rules when not understanding this disease parked me in the insanity lot and then closed the gate behind me. Step one always along with the other eleven. An alcoholic after a month and a half isn't considered recovering usually...just attending meetings. Same for us. What I was told when I first got here was what I needed to hear because I didn't know anything about the disease and recovery from it. "Sit down, listen with an open mind, learn, practice practice practice. I still do that daily. Keep coming back...we're in support. You're doing good. ((((hugs)))) smile

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for the advice. I find it all so comforting. Just knowing that I am not alone gives me strength to change myself. Having to admit that I am powerless over alcohol is hard, and having to admit that my husbands love (at this time) is alcohol really hurts. If it were another woman, I could compete, but when it comes to his alcohol, there is no competition. I have fought this battle for so long, and the outcome is always the same. SLOWLY, Im learning to change.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.