The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got out of my first session with a counselor. Glad to finely find one that I connect with. I talked about how I am at a crossroads. I am recently separated (for a 2nd time). I feel like that for us to be functioning HE needs to be functioning. The just stopping drinking does not equal functioning. I moved out twice, I am driving the rental, I am going to alanon meetings I am going to a councilor. HE on the other hand is trying to have a "good" day. HE on the other hand blames ME for moving out and HE is accepting it.
I am left with a feeling of desperation of how to make it work......which leads me to the question - What have you done for me lately?
I really don't see him contributing to OUR recovery other than telling me that that the longer I am away the farther apart we become.....
I am new here so i don't have any wise advice. I am happy to hear you found a counsellor that you like. I would just say that you should try to keep the emphasis on you and not him like you are doing. I am projecting a bit because I know that's what I have to do, and I am just beginning this journey.
Kelly, you are doing great already, I felt like that at the beginning, so ready to soak it in. I surrendered myself to alanon. Changes happened for me really quickly and ive never looked back.
Hi susie, im so glad you found a counsellor and are working your program, he is still at the old emotional blackmail and manipulation then? It gets weary, the same old same old. Hes stuck but its you thats important and your not stuck, all you can do is detach with love and set the great example you are setting, dont fall for his usual tricks and he will get the message that its not working and he needs to try something else if he wants hjs wife back, he may even realise that recovery is the place to be.x
Sweet Susie, When I saw what you are seeing, is when I knew I had to do what I did. In both marriages, I knew I had to leave because I was exhausted trying to build a marriage (and raise children) by doing the marriage/parenting for both of us. My first husband, aka Peter Pan, was not going to grow up and my second husband was an alcoholic/addict. I knew I had to make some hard choices, which I did. Both times they were the right choices; difficult, sad, excruciatingly hurtful at times, but the right choices. I mustered up the strength with support and I got through the happy and hard times with support. You can do it and we are here to help.
Hi Susie i just moved out too. My qualifier calls me all the time to remind me that it is my fault, how could i do this to him, he's miserable because i'm not there, which is the only reason why he was drinking, that he doesn't deserve this and that i'm probably cheating on him.
I say, i wrap you in a blanket and i hand you to god. i have no answers for you. I don't know what to say to you.
Being a mom and doing it alone without a man feels hard, maybe 1 or 2 days a month, i feel sad about it. But the rest of the time, I think, this is WAY easier than doing it with the alcoholic around. I was the only one functioning when we were living together anyway. At least me and my child have ONE good, responsible adult who is NOT going to let us down - ME.
In my ESH, i focus on my self care and i take it one 24-hour period at a time. In an attempt to set boundaries with the AH, i also limit the amount of time we talk and i stand my ground. I made a decision to stay on my side of the street and i refuse to feel guilty about removing myself from a toxic relationship where all i'm doing is trying to SURVIVE instead of putting the focus where it needs to be - MY responsibility for MY physical, mental, emotional and spiritual HEALTH and wellbeing.
Ditto, Susie, what has been said here. Nothing changes if nothing changes and it sounds to me as if he isn't changing. But, you are and can continue to do so no matter what he chooses to do or not do.
I *want* to continue to draw the roadmap for us. Hmm, interesting. I have been driving this train for so long (at least that is the way it feels, really it's been driving me..crazy lol). I want to continue to drive even though we are on different tracks. I want to tell him how fast I am going and how fast he should go and what stops he needs to make and that we can't meet back up until all of this gets done. Well, it is just not gonna work out that way,is it? I am gonna just have to keep driving MY train. I am gonna have to quit looking back at his progress. I am going to have to stop *planning* on meeting up with him.
This is where the grief come is. This is the time where I have to decide to continue straining my neck looking back and not moving forward or to leaving him behind. Perhaps forever. Goodbye is scary. Forget the "fairness" of the situation ( and the manipulation that I continued to let brainwash me like a broken record in my head). Forget the "I have a disease", shame on you. What about ME in this picture. What about the guy that is supposed to give a crap about me? What about being in a relationship with another human that has enough respect for me to honor me? "our" life is not about us, its about HIM. Its about the fact that he still wants what he wants, and I am just secondary. I always have been. And I don't just me secondary to Alcohol (to a disease), I mean secondary to His idea of fun. If *I* get in the way - he just ignores me.
I honestly believe that I have let myself be brainwashed. I could not bring myself to stop talking to him after counseling. Even though that was what was specifically suggested. I am continuing to fish for his attention / love/ commitment, you name it. I am throwing myself out there over and over. I HAVE TO STOP. I did move out, but nothing else changed. I just made it easier for him to ignore me. I thought I made a change, but maybe not so much. a little Progress is still progress..that will have to be good enough for now.
Thanks for not getting tired of me.
I did this too, I moved out but kept him at arms length, it was hard to let him go. I was a bit different though, I knew I didnt want him, his drinking was getting worse, but I was scared it would get even worse or that he might stop then my fantasy relationship can play out.
I was addicted to the drama, the unpredictability of him, the rollercoaster our life had been, the chemicals running through my veins during each crisis and the anticipation of the next one. I was addicted to the dream of what I wanted us to be. I had all these childish romantic notions, oh we were supposed to be together, we were made for each other, I was the only one who could see the true him. It was all pretend, denial that allowed it to continue for years. The reality was not rose coloured, it was grey and black, the truth was he was addicted to alcohol, I was addicted to him, that fact means love, respect, kindness, committment were not part of our relationship. How can someone who has alcohol at the front of their mind truly love or care for me, any show of love and care was really a tool to allow the alcohol to stay at the front. I was just cushion, nothing more really.
Its hard to face this and at first I was so angry, then I came to see that it is a disease, it was never personal really. He was as powerless as I was at that time, he couldnt give me what he never had to give. Reality has crept into my life these last few years and its not grey or black anymore, its true colours, nothing more or less. Ive grown up, faced the truth, its actually quite logical and not emotional, it just is what it is. It was me that attached meaning, feelings and emotions to my relationship, made it all exciting and all about love as if I was in some romantic novel about unrequited love. The bare facts are basic, factual, it took me a while to be okay with the peace, I was used to my nerves going all the time, my stomach constantly tense. The reality is very freeing, the truth is very different but its so valuable. Life on lifes terms, a great idea.x
I understand, Susie. I've been there, too. I wanted what I wanted. He wanted what he wanted. I couldn't change what he wanted, but I could let go of what I wanted from him one day at a time. What I learned in time was that I really wanted peace. I really wanted joy. I really wanted my own appreciation, approval and love. I didn't really want what I thought I wanted at all. I was projecting onto him all that was already within me. I just didn't know that at the time. He wanted those things, too. We were just going about obtaining our deeper wants in non-efficient ways. He never did find a different way to gain the understanding that he could have what he really wanted by letting go of what he thought he wanted. But, I did. I forget what I truly want at times, but the program and the fellowship and my HP remind me.
(((blessed and Susie))) I believe we are whole. The awareness gets buried and our HP and utilizing the program helps us begin to see what is true and to discard those mental constructs that get in the way of truth. That's why I sparingly suggest that I am sick or others in our program are sick. The disease has been said to be a thinking disease and my experience shows me this is true. Blessings, sisters.
I have been wondering for along time and trying to figure out how to go about explaining to him what I want, deserve, expect. I basically want to create him. I have thought about posting the "how do I teach him" question, but I knew something was wrong with it, I just didn't know what or how to articulate it. Now I think I do. He is his own soul, his own being. He is who he is. I have been caught up and going in the wrong direction for so long, like swimming up stream. That is why my life has been so unfulfilling, I am trying to make something out of nothing. I should not have to work this hard. If he is not being the person I enjoy being with why am I with him? Perhaps I am addicted to him. I can't remember a time or a moment where interacted where his reaction or action didn't cause me to pull away.
Every day i learn something more about myself and life through this board. =)
Maybe reframe the thought that you have been going in the wrong direction? Maybe it was the perfect direction to bring you to a place of surrender, a dark night of the ego, so you could wake up to your true self, true worth, self love, etc...maybe you would not awakened to these parts of yourself if you had not chosen the direction you chose? When I look at my life from this perspective, it frees me from blame, resentment, unforgiveness, and anger and shifts me into a place of gratitude and knowing that my life is really one big blessing. I have a tendency to overthink, blame myself for wrong choices and perfectionism (which is a big issue for me). My choices may have been misguided and driven by MY fear of survival, MY ego, but, I resist the tendency, now, to make me wrong. Lighten up on you, have some fun and really KNOW that all is well and your HP has your back ((( SWEET, FUN, COURAGEOUS SUSIE)))
I also moved out and my AH behaves exactly the same manner! He would text me nasty things like I am cheating on him, I am causing us both to be broke, I made him drink because he has nothing to do after I poisoned the kids against him, I abandoned the marriage, .... It all became my fault that he is drinking. An outsider who hears only his story will feel that I am a horrible wife! During those fragile few days, I listened and doubted. Perhaps he was ready to change but because I moved I forced him to drink? Then I shut him off. I refused to answer his calls or texts.
This gave me so much serenity. It empowers me to do something for my well being. After those days, I began to see he is behaving the same exact way as when we were in the same house. I did not see it early because, being in the same house, I was too busy worrying about him and working on damage control.
I feel like a hostage with a big mean giant when in the same house. Every time I move, something falls and I got scared of waking up the giant. However, I have to move. So I was walking on egg shells. When I decided to move, I push all objects down all at once to create a path to escape and I ran never looking back. No damage control, no more egg shells as all were broken. Now I blocked him when he turns nasty.
The thought of goodbye forever is still difficult for me but I am having more of those "I will be crazy if I go back to him" moments. Will have to see what God has in store for me.
((( SWEET, FUN, COURAGEOUS SUSIE)))