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AH and I had (another) big talk on Monday night. I've been building up to this for a while, but was waiting until our kids were out of the house for camp. Actually, I was planning to tell him I wanted a divorce, but I've been dithering around for ages, not able to make that final decision. Then (I posted about this already) on Sunday he lost his wedding ring at the beach. This felt like a sign that I had to address the issues at hand. Especially after he found out Monday that a new one would cost over $1,500 (guess platinum has gone up in the last 20 years!). I didn't want him to spend that kind of money if I was going to end the marriage shortly. I felt like my hand was being forced; also, I've been feeling like such a liar for so long.
Anyway, I finally told him (again) how unhappy I've been, and focused (again) on the drinking. I said he didn't act like he was happy, either, and that I thought the drinking, smoking, overspending, motorcycle riding, etc. were ways to fill some emptiness, or to escape some unhappiness. He was very, very calm and sad. He told me I was projecting my own unhappiness onto him and that actually he was perfectly happy and content. The drinking "ebbs and flows". I'm the one who hasn't smiled in months (that's true); I'm the one who's tense (that's true); I need to relax (and drink more!). But, if it will make me happy, he'll stop drinking. At least around me. He doesn't care about it, and if a small thing like that will make me happy, that's fine. We have so many things to be happy about, I should just let myself be happy...
On one hand, he's right. We do have many, many things to be happy about. And I know I'm lucky. And I also know I tend to obsess over things, making myself more and more unhappy. But am I really so crazy that I'm just imagining all this stuff from him? Is it really just my skewed perspective? Or is he manipulating me, and am I likely to doubt myself and my feelings because of my long history of codependency?
I didn't tell him I want a divorce. I didn't tell him not to buy a new ring. I agreed we had a lot to be happy about and committed to trying, again, to find happiness with him. If he truly does stop drinking, maybe all the other behaviors will improve and I'll find love and happiness as a couple again. And really, that's what I want. I don't want to be divorced, I don't want to break up my family. So if there's any chance of improvement, I have to make the effort to foster it. But I'm full of doubt. We've had this talk before, and he's made changes but slowly backslid.
I'm thinking I'll consider this my last-ditch effort to save my marriage. I'll put everything I have into it, and work my own recovery program so that if he doesn't really recover at least I'll be in a better place to move forward down the road. That's what my head says, at least, but I just feel so incredibly sad, depressed, empty, confused, and helpless at the prospect of more months of wondering what's going to happen. But what else can I do? How could I live with myself if I felt I'd given up easily?
I feel like I need someone to pour a bucket of ice water over my head and wake me up from this dull nightmare. I can't seem to do it myself.
You need to do what you need to do to feel like you have tried everything to save the marriage before you decide to end it. That's what I did. I knew when I had done everything I could and I couldn't do anymore. My experience has been that even when my AH stops drinking there are many other things about him that bother me. He is a dry drunk because he really isn't sincerely working a program. Is your AH willing to go to AA? I am convinced that only when they are truly ready to surrender, they are still difficult to live with. Your husband said he wouldn't drink around you. Does that mean he will just drink somewhere else then come home drunk?? I understand what you are going through. Nobody can make a person do anything. I also think it was manipulative the way he lost the ring. I replied on your other post. Hope I wasn't too much of a know it all in this post. Just trying to give you a different perspective.
also, my AH always points the finger back at me. I think they tend to do that. He tells me I am negative and unhappy and I wont let go of the past. A's do not understand the chaos we go through because of them. Most of the time when my AH and I had fights he was too drunk to know what was going on. The sober partner remembers everything, that's why WE are the depressed and hurt ones. Hope I have helped some.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 2nd of July 2014 09:46:01 AM
Thanks, Newlife Girl. You don't sound like a know it all, at all--I appreciate your thoughts. In our talk, he didn't really admit that he has a problem. He didn't say he'd go to a program. He's a "functional" drunk; not a fall-down, raging, work-missing, lie-around, type--at least not yet. And because the drinking isn't really that dramatic, it's hard to impress upon him that it's a big problem. But to me, it's like a veil between us; when he's drinking at night, it's like he's not there. And he's just really addictive overall. Anyway, before I start blabbing more, the short answer is that he'll probably drink socially when we aren't together. Which is why I think he'll slide back into drinking at home eventually. Because whether he admits it to himself or not, he's an alcoholic.
I don't know whether the ring loss was manipulative or not. It's very unlike him to be vain about something like a tan line, so it was surprising. But at least unconsciously I'm sure he doubts my commitment and love, and so maybe it was a way to force me to show my feelings?
Hi NL, I had so many arguments with my AW when she was active. She was very very good at placing all the blame for everything on me. Even when sober, she could sell ice to Eskimoes, so when active she could convince herself and me of anything. She was in so much pain, and couldn't accept that this was her fault, so it had to be someone else's fault. She was a master manipulator. That's how I know she's in recovery now. She never manipulates anymore, is straight up with me on pretty much everything.
Get to some more meetings is my only advice. Sort some of this out, take time with HP, and discuss it here. Discuss it as much as you want, we are all here to help each other and if you need to make a bunch of posts to think it through, we are all here for you. And have no expectations that your marriage will be saved by anything that you can do. Delineate your boundaries and expectations and see where he goes. If you don't want him drinking in the house, make that a boundary. If you don't want him drinking at all, state that. You can always tell him what you want/need. That's where that whole codependency problem comes in - I know it, it's taken a long time to realize that I can have my own opinions and it's ok if someone disagrees with them.
And if this is really your last ditch effort, look back to this post if you decide you need to have another last ditch effort. I've done that before, gone back and looked at posts and suddenly realized how many last ditches had been given.
Thanks, Kenny. Yes, I've given it "last-ditch" efforts before. Last August, I told myself if things weren't better in a year, I was done. Are they better? In some way. In others they're worse. And I think that's how it will always be. I appreciate your ESH, and, yes, I'll probably be posting about this over and over until I get it straight!
I was there too, wanting it over and him talking me out of it, I wanted to be ready and I wasnt. It really sounds like alanon meetings will help you get your head straight, maybe you could put the marriage decision on a shelf for a while and obsess about your own recovery, it works miracles, there are many people here and at meetings who are testement to that. We know how you feel, and we dont feel that way anymore and its through working on our own issues. You can be happy and it wont depend on anyone but yourself.x
Lots of prayers for you and encouragement to continue program work until you know its time and you are ready to act. If we act before we're ready, we'll just repeat it in my experience. Hugs, sister.
THank you for posting these thoughts ..it is exactly how I am feeling in my own relationship. I don't have any good advice because I feel like I am in the fog of alcoholism .but I feel for you. In my mind I am going to try doing what el-cee and grateful2be suggested. Shelve my fantasies about leaving him for now, I'm not sure I am ready for that. And get myself to a meeting. I hope things go as well as possible for you.
