The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Denial is a truly amazing defense mechanism. I think I was in it for many yrs re: the seriousness of my A's problems. And the A is in it so deeply~everything is OK, there are no problems, and what am I still concerned with? And before I got stronger, the A could manipulate me and confuse me. Once when I knew my a was drinking, my A looked me straight in the face and told me I was crazy. I took the glass away and took a sip~of course it was alcohol. In the past when I reminded my A of this occassion, which was Thanksgiving a couple years ago, I'm looked at with a blank stare. I handle myself better now, and I guess the A as well. But I was just thinking today how sick and steadfast denial is. I am grateful I have broken through mine. Denial for me was an attempt to not see the truth and avoid pain but guess what? I was in horrible pain and it didn't work. Being in alanon now has given me much greater peace of mind and some happy days. Amen, Lyne
Thanks for sharing Lyne.
I have been in denial most of my life. I have been in denial in every relationship and friendships even.
Never to late to break through and start living our truth.
Amen.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I was stunned at how long and how deep I was in denial for too. Years, almost 20 years of not seeing the reality of me and my life, sweeping hard facts under the carpet. They didnt stay there forever though. The consequences came like I sensed they would even in the denial. Its only through working the program that the truth of me and my life has came into focus, I got angry at first too, at the manipulation and lies that I lived with, then I got to the point where I could see my part, I lied and manipulated to avoid the truth, just as much as the a, maybe more. Its part of the disease and we both have symptoms. Great share lyne.x
so well said elcee...what a great post....I am just starting to turn my denial around so that I can learn to cope and stop playing that enablers role....hopefully that will help my son as well....he is now out of the house and Im bracing myself for that first calll and saying no to any request for money or to come back home....lord help me
Nice awareness and acceptance Lyne, I too lived in denial and pretend so as to avoid facing the painful reality of the severity of this disease. I knew that if I allowed myself to face the reality of this disease head on, I would have no constructive tools to deal with it so I used denial.
Finding alanon permitted me to accept the reality of alcoholism and to use the meetings, slogans, steps sponsor to help develop new constructive tools to live by and a safe place to practice.
I am glad you are here and practicing so we can walk this road together
I was truly in denial for a long 4 years. I just knew if I kept at it he would stop this madness and recover and get back to life. The more I tried the worse it got as the years went on. I had to stop my denial that I could control this and when I did all hell broke loose. I thought OMG please don't let my son die.
I started working on myself as I still had doubts. Then the madness got a little easier on me. I could except it without so much fear and worry. I could except I couldn't do anything but I had the power of prayer and Al-anon on my side.
I'm a work in progress as they say and so are you so I'm proud to be part of this journey along with you.,
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Mahalo Lyne...great post and great responses. This is what I call the "rocket science" lessons of the program for me...the subtle awarenesses even from the saying "Denial is just not a river in India" worked on me and "If you keep and open mind you will find help" from the closing of our meetings supported the intrigue on the subject. I came to the understanding about me and this disease that "I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know" what it was all about. "Dumb as a stick" I use to think and then came to awarenesses with a great sponsorship. When I thought I had an answer or all of the answers about alcoholism or some other subject I was asked the question "could you be wrong"? I lost the smugness I sometimes displayed and was taught to kill my ego and pride, the disease takes you down whenever it wants to if you are not humble and alert. My sponsor taught me my present definition of humility..."being teachable" which takes me outside the entry door into the room of denial. Denial for me says I am self-deluding. I need to keep able to understand that often I don't know and need to know and admit that I don't. That way I don't keep myself from asking for help.
When the students are ready...the teachers will arrive.
It isn't the A's denial that caused me trouble...it was my own. ((((hugs))))
My denial feels like a wide elastic band - I can't quite see over the top of it and it keeps pulling back at me.
Blessed - we had a counsellor once who was asking me to do the same, 'he's a man and has a fragile ego, can't you just boost him up a bit with some zyx.' I wished that I could, but I just couldn't do it without selling myself down the river.
My denial went back a very long way. I related to what you said about your husband holding the glass and denying he was drinking. Growing up I was told I was wrong about what I said I saw, heard, felt and said. As a result, my identity was shaped by alcohol at an age where I had never even physically taken a drink myself. My alcoholic was emotionally unavailable and emotionally stunted due to intoxication (note: the word toxic is in the middle of intoxication) and my emotions were in a state of reaction to that every day of my growing up years. I had some awareness that I didn't want to live like this as an adult but I had no recovery, I married a man who was both A but I didn't know it and also was an ACOA. He told me he didn't drink and didn't (at least not in front of me) until after we married. I learned many years later that my mother had had this same (pre marriage good behavior) experience and married my father. I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out if all that denial had not been going on but my very existence being born into this world is the result the disease of alcoholism and it's effects attracting my parents to one another. I've learned a lot about myself by being born into a family where alcoholism existed and I've learned a lot about alcoholism as an illness and it's power to distort an alcoholic's reality and the family's. Both my ex and my dad at the core were very good men with an awful disease and very functioning for many years which made the families denial that there was a "problem" of alcoholism even greater.
I think recovery both in AA for the alcoholic and Alanon for the family can feel both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. For myself and with the help of my first sponsor and my higher power, the shade of denial needed to be lifted slowly to let in light. Too much awareness of how I had given myself over to the disease of alcoholism and allowed myself to be held hostage by it would have been too overwhelming and too much to cope with all at once. I know that's I've had to go through a grieving process concerning a loss of positive experiences that I was denied through my family enmeshment with the disease of alcoholism I can see why the 12 steps are done in order. The way they are ordered truly shows me this is a compassionate and gentle program. When I felt comfortable enough in our own skin and with the new knowledge I was gaining about myself and my life through working this program, I was able to go forward. I couldn't recover any quicker than I could recover but coming out of denial made me want all the good things that old timers seemed to have all at once. It was counterproductive when I pushed for a quick fix so I learned to be patient with myself and where I was at. I was resistent to doing the steps but I'm glad today that I didn't deny myself that process and chance to know myself and my higher power intimately. There's no due date for having the steps worked and there is no due date for anyone to get sober. I use to think I had power over both those things. I'm glad that today my mind is open and my relationship with my hp is a trusting one. I'm glad I came back after my first Alanon meeting and grew to be willing to feel all my feelings and look forward to each day as a new blank page that my higher power and I can fill together. I came, I came to, I came to believe. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I never had denial; I always knew what he was doing and confronted it head on from day one. Of course, that did not work. For me, this is my second A marriage, so I guess I had lots of experience already. :) But, I never had denial then either. I call an ace an ace and am just kind of factual type of person. The lie I believed is that a person could just stop drinking if they really wanted to, if they loved me, if they loved their kids, if you called their boss, ........... My A has no shame or guilt, at least not outwardly. His entire scope is on me and how I make him drink. He tells me that and others I have talked to when they confront him (our Pastor, his boss, his brother). They believe he is just a man that is trying to save his marriage and he drinks to cope. Ugh. I have been told, "He just feels hopeless & if you could offer him just a little hope." I want to just scream. But, they obviously don't understand addiction or alcoholism. But, then I had to stop looking for people to help me make him stop. I have to rely on God & get help for myself.
I went through the cycles of pleading, threats, ultimatums, shaming him, etc. etc. etc. But, to no avail.
Recently I was reading a book The Survival Guide for the Wife of an Alcoholic, or something like that and it highly recommeneded AlAnon. So, I looked it up and went. Huges changes in me in just a few weeks. Going to 3 or 4 meetings a week.
When I get discouraged is when I read the stats of true recovery. They are not very encouraging. But, I try not to dwell on those and just try to keep my head above water and not get swallowed up by the disease.
Great thread, this post by blessed really spoke to me and what I'm going through. Maybe I should give AlAnon another go.
