The material presented
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Hi. I'm new here, and reaching out looking for some guidance. My husband had a drinking problem - not sure if he's an alcoholic, but definitely abuses alcohol (drinks beer/wine, anywhere from 3-5 days a week, usually to the point of being buzzed or intoxicated).
He is definitely drinking more frequently, even though he has moved to light beer to be healthier. He goes to work every day, drinks usually during sports, and on Friday nights to slow down his racing mind so he can think and process his life. It's usually during those Friday nights where he opens up to me and will share about what he is really going through - his fears, anxieties, anger, etc.
He is seeing a counselor weekly, but I'm not sure how much of his drinking they talk about. Not sure if he knows he has a problem (he's very self-aware), or just doesn't want to hear it from me.
We are Christians, although I've seen him become more separated from church and his mens' group lately. When we got married, we were faithful church attenders, doing ministry, going on missions trips. He still goes to church with me, but he makes excuses more often, and sometimes it is because he drank too much on Saturday.
I guess my question is what should I/shouldn't I be doing in this situation? He is never violent with me. Sometimes we are argue (usually related to his drinking or a misunderstanding while he has been drinking) and he can be mean-spirited sometimes. Other times I try not to have any significant interaction with him when he is drinking heavily. Yet, when he opens up to me at times when he is drinking, he's told me he feels less isolated and better between us, which I want him to feel. I fear that not listening when he wants to share, even if he has been drinking, will cause him to look more to alcohol and isolate him further.
I've tried to 'detach with love' as best as I can. I've tried to talk to him about this at different times - from a point of concern for him, from a financial point of view, from a healthy point of view, from a spiritual point of view...he usually will say nothing, or he gets defensive.
I am concerned that I see him drinking more frequently and just wondering...do I just detach w/ love since he will only change when he wants to? Do I do something more forceful - which I know will be at the risk of any closeness we do have and certainly will drive a wedge between us?
Drinking has not overtaken our marriage; we still have a solid foundation and on many days, things are good. However, this is a constant thorn btween us.
Do I even try to talk to him about this? Or just say nothing and continue to watch him drink?
Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you for reading
Welcome to MIP. Blessing has suggested Al-Anon meetings and I agree. There truly is nothing you can do or say or not do or not say that will help a person stop drinking who is drinking. Al-Anon helps us accept our own powerlessness over this disease and its effects on us and on our loved ones. Alcoholism is not a respecter of religion, education, professional credits or social status. It is a life threatening disease that without treatment can lead our loved one to institutions, jails or the grave. What happens as an effect of this disease to us is equally life threatening if we don't get treatment ourselves when living in this situation. We get more and more isolated, guilt ridden, shame-filled, angry, bitter and resentful. Its no secret how these emotions can lead to serious illnesses that affect our heart and other organs. We tend to look at what the disease is doing to our loved ones and focus more and more energy on them and what they're doing or not doing and lose sight of ourselves and what we need and want to live quality lives ourselves. In Al-Anon, we learn about this disease, its effects and the ways to counter-balance the damage that has been done to us over time. It is a program for us and it may or may not have an affect on our loved one. That doesn't matter as much as it matters that we get the help we need. Keep coming back.
Within a few post/responses I read so much direction toward your own peace of mind and serenity and information and experience about this disease of alcoholism. "This is not a moral issue. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions" is in part what I heard when I first got to the rooms of Al-Anon without anymore strength to find serenity on my own for me. I remember dressing up my alcoholic/addict wife and her children on Sunday and leading them all into the church I attended and when I knelt down and looked up toward the altar my HP asked, "What is she doing here"? I got that immediately and wanted to scream because it was my idea and not her want and she continued to drink and use because the disease of addiction runs itself whether I like it or not and often whether the alcoholic or addict likes it or not...that is what addiction is "a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body". I learned as much as I could about alcoholism and then alcoholism on the family, friends and associates of the alcoholic...it blew my mind. This is for me the most powerful disease on the face of the earth. It predates the life of the Christ by thousands of years and truly because of that present day drinking and using is just the natural progression of continuous addiction.
Qualification for Al-Anon isn't from whether he is truly alcoholic or an abuser or whatever...the qualification is solely if you or I have a problem with their drinking. PROBLEM there that is the proper way of saying it. It's a huge problem and for me the only solution I have ever found has been the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. It has worked best for most. Keep coming back to the MIP family...There is love and understanding here. ((((hugs))))
