The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am here because after 11 years of being sober my husband is know drinking again. Hes trying to "control" it by fighting his demons so he says. Trying to drink as little as possible so that he can get to where he needs to be ie feeling crappy enough about life with alcohol in it that it makes him want to stop. I feel he believes himself, but I think he is full of it. We have two children 3 and 4 years old. Hes not living at home as something else had happened and the second night he was away was the night he drank. First nite, blacked out got into a fight broke his hand. I know im not helping him by being in his life and Im tired of this roller coaster even though its only been one month, but it hurts so damn bad when I dont talk to him, and if im honest it only hurts slightly less when we are talking. How do you find the strength to walk away? Do I let him see the kids?! Where do I start what do I do?
-- Edited by MarionF on Saturday 28th of June 2014 01:45:30 AM
Maybe that it getting to far into the future because of the insanity and fear that the disease causes. We have a slogan..."Easy Does it" There is so much and too much to learn first about the disease and our part in it. White pages of your local telephone book has the hot line number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area and come as soon as you can. Come learn what we've learned and see if it helps you like it has us.
Your alcoholic is blowing smoke and then that is what alcoholics do to convince themselves and may be even you that they are incontrol. The first step of AA is the same as the first step of Al-Anon and the first part of the first step says "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol..." All he is doing is demonstrating that he is. Kill your expectation that he should be "normal". Normal for a drunk is....drunk, mind, body, spirit and emotions. He knows the bottle owns him right now and thats sad beyond words. Keep coming back here to this MIP family...you're qualified to be here and we will help and support your. (((((hugs)))))
Marion, I am so sorry your husband has relapsed and you are going through this.
You have quite a few choices/options in front of you. Nobody here can tell you the right thing to do. It has been 1 month - your husband seems to have shown he can't drink safely even though there may be nights where he doesn't hurt himself or black out and can sometimes limit the drinking. Normal drinkers don't have to fight so hard to "control" it. So...with 2 very young children...I could see you making the point that FOR NOW this is not safe for him to be with you guys.
It is conceivable that you can say you love him, believe in him, have compassion, but that you need a sober husband in order for him to safely rejoin the family as someone living there and the sobriety needs to be demonstrated through going to meetings....whatever for an extended period of time.
You don't have to "walk away" completely today.
As far as working the demons out - Alcoholics get sober to face their demons. The steps are designed to work out or demons/issues. Ideally, recovering alcoholics don't indulge in drinking to "get it out of their system" or whatever. That line of thinking is only feeding the beast of the disease. But of course, I don't know that you can reason with a drunk or expect them to see what is rational when the bottle is owning them.
Welcome to the board. Sorry to hear about your husband. I have been living with my AH for 11 years. I decided to move out in March. He has been drinking this whole time. He stops here and there for a few months,but he usually starts up again. It took me a long time to finally decide that I couldn't live with him any more. I have been going to al anon for over a year now. I know al anon, my sponsor and my HP have helped me leave the situation I was in. I knew I would be ok. I would like to suggest learning more about alcoholism, going to al anon, reading al anon books and also reading "getting them sober" by Toby Rice Drews. She can explain alcoholism very well. I weighed the pros and cons of my marriage. The bad was outweighing the good. It also helped me to make a list of what I need from my husband. He wasn't meeting my needs, so I decided to take care of myself and my kids. Al anon teaches you how to take care of yourself. We have no control over another person.
Hello Marion Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive disease over which we are powerless. I am so sorry that you are no confronted with the relapse of this illness in your family and would like to urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend .
I found the strength to make constructive choices for myself and my family by attending alanon meetings and practicing the program for 6 months before I made any decision. The program recommended that no decision or action be taken before I had used the tools and regained my self esteem to be able to make choices that would be beneficial to my entire family and not simply react to the situation
You've gotten some great responses to your question. I want to welcome you along with the others to this message board. I hope you'll keep coming back to recover with us. Your husband was a long time sober before relapsing. Hopefully, he'll find sobriety again with the help of his higher power. If his long sobriety included AA, I hope he finds his way back to the program. Like most everyone here, I understand your anger, concern, disappointment and feelings of betrayal. You may be in a state of disbelief that things can get better but maybe they can at least for you. By continuing to join us here and sharing, you might feel less alone with with what's happening right now.
I hope you'll give the Alanon program a try. It can help you sort out your feelings about yourself and your husband. When we're making life changing decisions like divorcing, it's important to have clarity about the marriage as a whole and not make such a decision in reaction to current events. It sounds like things have escalated so much in just a month that you can hardly bear it. That's where this program, the in person meetings with people who are going through or have gone through what you are can be a comfort and a way of finding some sanity during a seemingly insane time in your life. Thank you for sharing your story. Maybe we'll see you again. Take good care of yourself.((hugs)) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
