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I made it all the way to the end of the test, then found myself in a traffic situation I haven't encountered before and, I simply didn't know what the rule was and made the wrong call; instant fail. Felt so bad because I had gotten everything right up until then and was literally minutes away from completing the test. Even my parking had been good. I didn't speak for about an hour afterwards and then cried all afternoon, really productive. I didn't realise how much I wanted it; I can't remember last time I felt so crushed. It hurt so much when the tester told me to pull over and give the keys to the instructor. The test goes for 30 minutes and I was over 25 minutes in; I thought I had it and was feeling so good, so excited, 'OMG I've done it, I've finally done it". Oh. Maybe not.
Don't have any more lessons, don't have money to redo the test anyway and now have to put all of my resources into moving. I can't believe I just have to let it go for now. I thought this was going to change everything for me.
Got a bus to take my daughter to her school science expo at school this evening, felt pretty low about that. Then discovered she was planning some after school end of term completely not acceptable thing tomorrow afternoon and has 38 kids going to a park somewhere for a "party" that I couldn't even get to if I wanted to and has cried screamed and told me "I'm going anyway" all night since. They aren't even all kids from her school for heavens sake and some of the parents are angry, I didn't even know she had done it.....if she has invited them that makes me responsible for them...and I can't even get to the location? What is she thinking? She's 11.. she tried to tell me "I'll be home before 9pm, what? and i so didn't need to deal with "I hate you" from daughter tonight plus somehow I have to make sure tomorrow that everyone knows we are NOT hosting a party in some park tomorrow afternoon for local kids...you know I have let her throw quite a few parties so I guess most parents will just assume I am running it and that I will be there to supervise, OMG. Plus I'll need to walk up to her school and make sure she comes home and doesn't go to this park or somewhere else to get back at me.
A's mum has been weird and insane messaging and calling me 7-8 times per day for 2 weeks now because her son wont call her..implying that I have done something to him or I am in some way preventing him from calling her? Ignoring it caused threats that she was coming to "see what is going on" and after non-stop harrasment I snapped and told her I've had enough of her raving nonsense, her son is a violent drunk and I don't want to hear any more of her stories of what a poor boy he is, plus I am not responsible for making him call her and have had enough thank you very much. OK, my mistake, I snapped and I should have just blocked her messages last week. So he finally called her and he was drunk and angry so, she told him what I had said...not thinking of anyone's safety is she, just looking for more drama. I can't believe she would do something so damaging when he was too drunk to even string a sentence together properly and shouting angry; what result was she hoping for? What sort of woman calls her A son who lives hours away, finds him drunk and angry, and decides to tell him the woman he lives with has been saying he is violent?????? On what planet is this a logical or safe or sensible thing to do?????
I heard their conversation, it went for hours and she was crying 'Oh why is she picking on us, poor me my life is so hard and poor you my poor son you don't deserve this"- well even HE thought it was absurd and just kept saying 'Mum what she is saying is true, stop making excuses for me, stop trying to make out I'm innocent, Mel has every right to be angry and I'm lucky she even speaks to me, please don't call her again" and he was actually honest and told her what he has been doing but he might have just been saying it loudly for my benefit, who knows. It could have gone a whole other way and what would she have done then? Enjoyed the drama, I'm guessing.
And he's just drunk and awful and won't leave me alone; he wants to patch things up, ugh, tomorrow is the end of the school term and I have to take daughter to her dads; I thought I would be driving and could take dog and go stay at my mums just for a day or 2 and clear my head and work out what to do...but no,it's more buses and trains for me and more leaving the animals here and wanting to get home asap...
Mother and grandmother came to visit and have lunch yesterday, mother was in a mood and really giving it to me; telling me I'd better just find a nice park and live in my car, a while ago we had lunch in a cafe that employs disabled people, so yesterday I was saying i need a job asap and she says "why don't you get a job in that nice cafe where they employ special people", "Why don't you call (my daughters father) and ask him if you can live in his garage?" she was laughing and laughing, it was really mean and pointless but I guess that's just her. So I felt extra wonderful telling her I failed my driving test after she had just basically called me a (what's an inoffensive euphamism I can use here?)
So, yeah, poor me, whatever. I made a plan that hinged on me passing my test today and i didn't, so, I feel like a fool and, really, just, FFS can I catch a break?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
You showed up for it. I think that is a very courageous thing to do. There will be another opportunity for you to take a test and maybe this time you will pass it? It's not about whether I pass or fail in the game of life. It's just whether or not I showed up and did my best. The rest of it is not in my hands. Thanks for the update, Mel. You did your best. It can't get better than that this time. Next time you show up for the test, you'll know what to do in a similar situation.
I think you did amazingly well to show up and to do so well with all the other pressures that have been crowding you recently - you will have another chance to take it again I'm sure. (((((Hugs))))))
i failed mine first time too, and couldn't afford instant retake: but eventually I did and once you've passed it'll seem like it was always that way. Not sure I'm qualified to speak given I currently have no faith in my parenting but your take on your daughter's stuff is right to me - kids like boundaries as you know, even when trying to but them. She'll thank you in the future.
I planned so much around it though.
This was my plan, when i passed the test today.
Do a happy dance.
Go home and clean out my car, throw away ABF's rubbish and beer bottles, drive to a car-wash and give it the works.
Pick up daughter from school. Go to a cafe and celebrate with ice-cream for her and chilli-hot chocolate for me.
Drive to dog-beach and let dog have a run. Drive her to her science expo tonight.
Tomorrow, wait until later when the traffic is quiet and put child and a weeks worth of stuff and dog in the car and drive to my mums for a couple of days, breath and make some plans and not feel like i have to rush home, or go back ever unless I want our fairly irrelevant stuff. The cat will be fine, A loves him and i think will cling to him if we go. I truly think he will care for him. I sort of thought maybe tomorrow night would be it, pack up the car, go, and sort out the consequences later.
Instead, I failed the test, cried all the way home, arrived home to find the dog had pooped in my bedroom all over my carpet, daughter hates me, A is drunk and awful, geeze he's finally passed out now and now at 1:30am the cat is screaming in the hallway outside his room trying to wake him...I guess Michael Douglas figures I haven't had enough drunken dribbling bull poo yet,
I am missing something.
I always liked puzzles, I've just missed something. Something obvious.
I'd so much love to pay to do a couple more lessons and re-book the test but at this point I can't hinge anything else on "possibilities". I have to move, now, I don't know where, daughter goes to her fathers tomorrow for the school holidays and I don't want her to come back to a home that we share with A. I don't know how I can pull that off.
I feel so much like giving up, nothing works I always end up back here in this same place with a drunk A driving me mental and no logical way out.
I don't know what I am doing wrong or why I just can't just find a path. I feel as if i am trying, I have opened myself up so much and given myself over to working this program, to asking HP to take over because I am powerless, to making hard choices, dong the next right thing even if i feel awful, I keep ending up back at the start and nothing changes even though I really really have made all of the changes I could see to make.
I'm not giving up but I am so pissed off right now. It's no-one's fault but mine that I failed my driving test but, I should have had a better plan. I just thought I could do it.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hugs :) and prayers :) love and support ~ I just want to say No mistake with the A's mom anyone would have had a breaking point with all that pot stirring she was doing, nice boundary with her. So what if it you did it while upset? progress not perfection :) I have to ask do you have to book more lessons to take that test? or can you just rebook it and take it without taking any more lessons? I believe that you will pass and that you can do it. I failed the first time too back when I was 19, next day I passed. As always you are in my prayers,
Angel
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Oh that sounds like a bad day. When I saw you said you failed and then I read the rest, I look at it as if the driving lessons failed by omitting the traffic situation you hadn't encountered before. Now you have, and you've learned that part. You're building your expertise, although it's an expensive tuition.
I have better days when I try to focus my disappointment on the situation triggering my funk. When I heap on everything else going wrong, wow I'm sunk.
It is a joy for me to hear about the interaction of you with your daughter. You're so wise. Keep on.
I think most drivers you will meet on the road had to take that test many times. I did, too. My husband finally told the testing guy "my wife is tired of driving me to the testing office". Ha
Sending you hugs. My poor Mother took her test something like 17 times. She was almost 50 when she passed! But she DID pass...
My son had a bit of a hard time too. It took him 3 times, because each time he got so nervous and there was so much pressure on him to pass (from his other parental unit, not me). He said "I will never laugh at the Spongebob "Boating School" episode ever again".
The rest of it sounds like a quadruple-whammy. I hope some money comes through for you somehow so you can try it again soon.
So you see Mel, you are just like the rest of us, capable of not passing the first time - there will be another test, just make sure you remember what mistakes you made for the future tries. Hugs!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
