And here comes the drama - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

And here comes the drama

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Mark. I am so sorry that MIL has acted out and upset this beautifully planned day..I see her attempting to justify her behavior by judging the event in a negative manner

Calling her up and suggesting that she stay away and explaining that that she hurt your partner may be the right action ,but I would discuss this with him before I make any such call. I would instead support him, with understanding and empathy for what he has experienced and ask how can you can best help.

Remember she is still his mother, and that connection runs very deep. I found, in my own marriage the best I could do in situations like this was to support him and try not to judge or blame her

Please Do not let her take away your serenity joy and happiness. You have worked too long and hard to achieve this.

Positive energy on the way

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

PC: Wow! I feel so bad for Chuck. If you called her, I see a potential of her saying that she didn't come because you told her not to come when she had just been expressing her opinion about it. Won't go anywhere peaceful. I'm with Betty on supporting him. I'm with you on not calling her although I'm not in that situation. God knows why folks want to rain on other people's special days and maybe that's where her comments and her coming and going could stay - between God and her. Maybe if she doesn't come, Chuck might want to say how he's feeling when the celebration(s) are over? If it were me, if my Mom said something like that (and she could do it), I'd be hurt and I'd also know I can't change her so why let her spoil the significance of this time for me. He's worked so hard on this wedding and it is about you and it is about him. If she wants to stay home, then maybe letting her make that decision with no feedback and no argument might help her feel what she should feel - crummy. Hugs from me for you both and lots of prayers that the people who attend your wedding bring nothing with them but gifts of peace, joy and love for you both.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Mark,

I like the suggestion that Betty made however I would also temper that with if your STBS (soon to be spouse) would like to make that call I would not get between the two of them. I would be curious to know if you have run this by your AA sponsor just to get some perspective? What she said .. COMPLETELY inappropriate .. she didn't say it to you she said it to him. Supporting him, loving him .. great options .. getting between mother and child .. never a good idea straight or gay.

For me this is minding my own business and staying on my side of the street.

BIG HUGS :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not going to call her. She is stressed because Chuck's brother is getting divorced at this same time. She displaces anger and randomly goes off. This was just really bad timing on her part and she made a comment out of her own stress that was tacky as hell and hurtful. It is also not about me though it affects me.

Stress was building on multiple levels....for all of us. Internal audit at my work and kids were rioting too which was horrid and a giant cluster f. They all caught extra time and are being extra thuggish/delinquent now. Being boss is good in many ways, but sometimes want to scream "Please don't let the buck stop here! I don't want responsibility." Alcoholic residue....

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

His dad just died (long divorced from his mom). She is his only parent now so her being supportive and on board was even more crucial. She isn't thinking about that stuff at the moment though.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good. I think you've made a very wise decision here. Sounds like she is feeling overwhelmed and torn. Better to dump on the happy couple than the depressed son? (I'm not saying its right and it is understandable if that is true for her.)

I'm not an A in recovery and there have been times when I looked for the boss to handle tough stuff, too. Never did like the reality that I was the boss especially when everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Fortunately, as you know, this too will pass and you handled it. Yes!!!!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Some people just can't make it about anyone else .. so sorry that this has happened .. I bet it is hard for Chuck based upon the circumstances .. this is soooo about you guys and your special time .. keep your eye on the prize .. a beautiful day to celebrate the two of you and a lifetime of memories for you both ..

Big Hugs :)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

It's sad...so sad this comes up now. I just pray for you both that nothing will ruin your day. Let's pray that Mother-in-law will come around but if not you and Chuck will have each other no matter what happens.

((( hugs ))))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do hear you Mark. When I had days like the one you just described , at work I would sing the old Country and Western song by Eddy Arnold : Make the World Go Away" then one day I walked in the doors of an Al-Anon room and discovered the wonderful tools that allowed me not only to sing that song but to have an arsenal of powerful ideas to help me through the difficult times.

Please remember that, One moment at a time, trusting HP and refusing to let anyone or anything disturb your serenity works well . Slogans, serenity prayer, the first 3 Steps are powerful weapons. The best slogan of all, the one that I repeated over and over is Do Not React -- Respond in a positive manner .

Prayers and positive energy on the way

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Why can't you just have the darn fairy tale? I am sorry for this upset...prayers, Mark, for you and Chuck.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You guys also totally saved me from a passive aggressive Facebook post too that I know his mom would see. Just have to keep banking on her never checking out online alanon...lol...which she wont.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Work Mark!!!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Sorry she's interfering in your happy plans but my best suggestion is let family argue it out with family. Getting into it with the partner's parent can come back to bite you uhhh on the tail feathers wink Why give her so much power over your emotions? Does she have power over your future spouse's ability to make his own decisions? If so I could see how this would feel like a bit of a threat rather than just her opinion. Anyway, it's yours and his wedding and right to have it any way you choose. It sounds like you might need to busy her with something some wedding planning task that needs ONLY HER touch to keep her busy, feeling needed and out of the big decisions. (LOL I better watch my motive) Is she crafty? She could put together some table favors. wink Anyway.... I would let him handle her. The closer it gets to the day the more people are on edge. Take a breath and stay each others allies. You're right... you are going through what most of us have. Families put a penny toward the wedding and want to give you their two cents. Hope you keep happy and have it the way that honors you both not other's perception of what it SHOULD be. (((hugs))) TT

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

My "under the breath" song is "I wanna be an airforce Ranger, I wanna live a life of danger...." = I love your question, is this normal beyotche Mother in Law stuff??? absolutely! and we all fight for the same cause with THEM MONSTERS! Things will calm down - Trust me!!!

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you prayers and love on your special day!!!!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one, mil is going to do what she is going to do. but you know what, that is HER problem.Remember the thing of we can only control our selves?

i see the most important thing is you and your love that you are marrying. I would look at her in a loving way and possibly feel sad for her. She is the one who is miserable, not you.

Proud of you for not giving her bolony any energy.

btw i loved your fb page. You guys are so happy. Look great too! Be strong, it's not a time for bs. Its a time for fun, and not sweating the small stuff!

NOW stop it!! drop that rock and be happy my friend! sending love!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's turning into a joke today. "Gauche" is like the word of the day. We have been calling each other Gauche all morning. I called the cat Gauche for begging for food at her age. The parrot is also gauche for screaming at his age.

MIL said Chuck would "understand when he is her age" whatever that means. I believe it means "Don't do things that cost money or cause any drama or make me do anything out of the way cuz I am old now and reserve the right to be stingy"

So the joke is also that the dog, cat, parrot or each other will understand why we are "gauche" when we are 70. We were already calling it My Big Fat Gay Wedding. Now it's My Big Fat Gauche Gay Wedding.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL! Especially the gauche cat and the gauche parrot and the My Big Fat Gauche Gay Wedding. I'm old, too, and if your MIL is anything like me, she may forget she even said anything about it as she searches for her keys or tries to remember why she walked into the kitchen or to her desk. Love ya, PC. Glad the whole house is having a great time now with each other.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL..... Love you MIL and welcome to our Big Fat Gauche Gay Wedding.

Now lets have love and fun.....

((( hugs )))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great Mark Love the humor !!! You very Gauche person

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

That's all? She is threatening? My own mom and dad said they wouldn't come to my wedding (1971) because it was protestant/catholic..... oh gasp! I turned the tables on them by inviting all their friends from their church. They had to come to save face. A week before the wedding they finally told me they were coming. We already had the rsvp's from all their friends who thought it might be interesting to see a catholic wedding.... and a free meal.

Laugh it off you big ole gauche person!!!!!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

It's good that you can make fun about her using the word Gauche. Reminds me of a similar word and it's spelling. "Faux" I bought a Faux marble table recently and the employee who helped me pronounced it "fox". I didn't correct her. I was giggling inside, though.

I have and ex MIL and my current one who are both very difficult. Hope you can still have a nice wedding despite her. Good thing she doesn't live close by.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Saturday 28th of June 2014 02:09:38 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Apologizing is not in her nature and she has an exaggerated opinion of herself. It will all be fine. Someone asked for us to put our invitations in a local gay civil rights museum. It was reaffirming. I didn't think we were blazing any trails but it is I guess. It's new to have a traditional wedding with both families, in a church, reception...All that. Most of our other gay friends that are married now we're folks who were already essentially married and they went to the court houses to get married. This is kinda new. Also the episcopal church only started performing gay weddings in the last couple years. His mom will get caught up in the positives probably and will act like she never said anything wrong. Best move is for me to let it go.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I've seen it with the rich and famous so your one of the elite

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't talk for your state(s), but I know our state is still wrestling with it. Just a few years ago, churches split into factions because of decisions made about ordaining gay clergy. A few years before that, a pastor in my denomination was defrocked because he married his daughter and her partner. This is new, PC, and I do think you are some of the pioneer couples getting married in a church. I'm glad you've been asked to put your invitations in a gay rights museum. This is a big thing - especially in religious institutions - and the worm is turning which I am glad to see.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 28th of June 2014 07:40:17 PM

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