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Honestly, I don't like the term qualifier. Is it some kind of unspoken rule that we refer to the A in our lives as a qualifier? It just sound so secretive and odd to me. Am I the only one that feels this way?? Why can't we be honest and just say who the A is?? I like being honest in my shares...so I don't use this term. I am thinking it is a way to keep the A anonymous?
I don't see it as a rule I see it more as a gentle way to explain who we are having our difficulties with, I am from the uk so I found a lot of sayings a bit confusing and I think it's so so important we keep our alcoholics anonymous, and everyone else too, as it enables us to share very delicate things about ourselves and our loved ones, I don't feel that it hinders me from being honest, I don't feel the need to name my a's but I will say my son, my brother my husband etc.
Hi, Newlife: Qualifier isn't a rule. It is just a term that some folks use. If you're not comfortable using it, it is good that you don't. That's remaining true to yourself and I admire that. The word is too long for me and I'm basically lazy. I don't use it because abbreviations for my As are simpler but not because I object to qualifier as a term used.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 25th of June 2014 04:35:54 AM
As others have said, you can use your own words to share in an alanon meeting.. In an effort to protect the anonymity of the alcoholic some use that word. For many years this term was argued about in alanon meetings. It was felt the word "qualifier" was an" outside" " rehab" word and not alanon terminology.
Alanon literature uses the word" alcoholic" when describing the person with the disease.
In alanon we strive to keep the focus on ourselves not the alcoholic . I have heard many state that we ourselves are "our own qualifier". We are our own qualifier for the program because of the way we reacted and abandoned ourselves to focus on others.
I also think that in actual face to face meetings, to say "My alcoholic" (because unless they know who the alcoholic is, saying "my husband" wont designate) - but just saying "my alcoholic" almost sounds like you are coveting the disease. Nobody would say "my schizophrenic" or "my diabetic" if they were talking about their spouse, father, child with one of those conditions. Qualifier is a kinder way to refer to the afflicted person as well I think.
PS: I might say it, PC. I'm very possessive besides being lazy. And...in most meetings, I keep the focus on myself rather than the(my) A and don't really think its a big deal any way we say what we need to say in meetings without using names. I do think we can take anonymity too far and make things a little too legalistic when it comes to it. There are some of us in our meetings (and I was guilty of this in the early years) who are so afraid to break anonymity, we will ignore each other outside of meetings as if we are complete strangers which we are not.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 25th of June 2014 11:29:15 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 25th of June 2014 04:37:27 PM
I have a devil of a time spelling alcoholic and qualifier isn't much easier; I use abbreviations like ex-Ah but when i'm typing tired I consistently hit the "0" instead of the "-". I like Serenity's STBX (soon to be ex). People use what fits for them. While my 2nd ex-husband is the person who drove me into Al-Anon, there are other qualifiers in my life, first ex and my father drank; my town is half religious and half heavy drinking cowboy town - learning to hang back and let someone's actions show me who they are, helps keep the wanna-bes away; but there are other people in my life, non-alcoholics, who damaged me in other ways that I've been able to use what I've taken from Al-anon to help resolve.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Interesting replies. I guess I find the word irritating. I will have to examine why I feel this way. There are other words in the English language that bother me too that have nothing to do with al anon.
I prefer to use the term, "My Qualifier(s)," at my meetings because, although I'm pretty certain that my AH and AD were/are both alcoholics, I'm not the expert who can confirm that diagnosis, nor have either them identified themselves as being an alcoholic. So "qualifiers" means to me that their their actions have made me come to know that I need to be a member of Al-Anon.
In thinking about the post and the responses, I really do believe that I am my own qualifier because I have issues with all the people in the world and the world in general .
Thank God for alanon and the tools. They work in all aspects of my life.
I understand what you mean about words and not liking them, I didnt like the word love for a long time, I still find it a difficult word to say except to my kids. The words I use now are so different, I didnt like the idea of forgiveness or gratitude, when someone used these I honestly never knew what they meant. My vocabulary has grown since alanon.x
The only time I use this term is in a 1st step meeting with a newcomer. I want them to know why I came to AlAnon.... what got me there in the first place, because that is exactly the place the newcomer is in. The newcomer is all about "who" and "why". If it helps them be a little more comfortable I'm good with that. I think qualifiers can change when you are in the program for a while, but when you first got there, there was only one reason/person why!
DavidG.