The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a word that means a different things to different people; generally it is spoken of as a bad thing. My A spouse loves to say I am controlling. However, I have thought about this and meditated on it and to be "in control" is not nescesarily a bad thing. Someone has to be. We expect adults to be self-governing (self-controlled). We expect parents to control thier children. We expect employers and managers to be in control of their businesses and employees. We expect our governing bodies to be in control. etc. etc. etc. Being in control is a responsible thing.
So what is the difference of being in-control and being controlling? I think that being in-control is just managing what you have been given whether it is people, money, pocessions, etc. Being controlling is trying to bend the will of others for your own selish gain; sometimes with might, other times with manipulation.
The only One Who is totally in control is God, and why we are told in AlAnon to give this all over to our higher power. Knowing our limitations and even our own boundaries is important. We should control (manage) what we have been given: children, homes, jobs, money. We can't control / manage our spouses unless they are willing to cooperate.
So, when I hear someone mocking me for being organized and disciplined and equating that with being controlling or OCD, I can easily dismiss it as I don't apologize for being responsible. What I need to focus on is when I expect another to bend to my will, for my benefit. I can ask, but I can not demand. I cannot threaten, harass or play games to get my way. I have done all of those things in the past. Not on a daily basis, but I have done them.
Of course any decision I make is interpreted as being controlling to the A in my life, but I can't change that. He is living in denial, rebellion and disobedience and has his own spiritual and physical issues to contend with. If I don't bow to his will, I am controlling. That is a form of controlling, isn't it? I find that most of what he accuses me of are things he is doing and projecting on to me; blaming me to cover up his own issues. Again, I have no control over that and must release it to God.
So, I am comfortable now with this issue and will keep it in check as I go through life being responsible; and being aware when being responsible crosses the line to being controlling/demanding.
And remember, it is hard to be in-control and responsbile when we are crazed. I have been crazed with the madness of the A, and I can say I rarely act rationally at those times.
Have a blessed day,
I didn't cause it; I can't control it and I can't cure it.
I agree. There is truly very little I've caused, controlled or cured - about 100% of the time. Even my desire to control can't be controlled. Facing my fears has helped me lesson the need or desire to control.
As a very young child, I feared nothing except thunderstorms and that fear was dispelled by an aunt who would get in bed with me at night when the thunderstorms were blazing and would suggest we count together. Had something to do with numbers showing how far away from me was the lightening and the thunderclaps. When I got older, I learned there are actually only two natural fears that we are all born with - the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. All the rest of our fears are taught. (Elizabeth Kubler Ross paraphrasing). I drove my parents nutz as a child because as my Dad said, "You had no fear!" That was true. I didn't - especially after my aunt taught me to count when thunderstorms happened. Controlling wasn't a me thing. I was more about doing the right thing (per my parents and teachers) and naturally loving people and new experiences. If I didn't like somebody, I knew it and just avoided them but I didn't fear them. I just didn't like them and there were very few people I didn't like.
When I got out on my own, I had some very horrific experiences. When I married, I married an abuser who would strike with no notice and later my son was hit by a car and ended up in a coma and resultant brain damage. Many, many fears developed due to those experiences. There were also a few childhood issues that happened as I entered puberty and my teenage years but those weren't the happenings that created the belief that I needed to control my environment but they did help jumpstart them. Al-Anon and other supports have helped me face a lot of my fears but I still have a way to go. I can't control my fears, but I can see them and ask for help with them. I'm truly not in control of much but I am aware that I am loved by my HP and can heal from most anything if I'm open to guidance and willing to do what I need to do to reduce or overcome my fears, one day at a time.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 24th of June 2014 09:14:23 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 24th of June 2014 09:15:12 AM
I've noticed that living with unpredictability for just a few years has made me want to control things that previously I knew I couldn't and certainly didn't want to - its not really surprising - what did surprise me was the realisation that not trying to control things seems to work so much better!! Hello HP
By nature I'm spontaneous and before alcoholism entered our home I was also fearless - I've played chicken (and won!!) with muggers in the middle of a main road. I even convinced some poor crazy person who had his hands round my throat that he did not want to kill me since it might impinge on his chances of becoming president of a (not to be named) asian country (something that he had already stated that he would be doing in due course)!! So it has been baffling me recently to realise that I was scared of my husband and even his enabling lover.
I think that since I realised that it was fear that was fuelling my anger at AH I have found that my anger has eased somewhat. BTW, I came to realise that it was fear that I was feeling by imagining how the enabling lover would feel if I walked into her life inappropriately - I hoped that she would feel what I had felt - lightbulb moment - fear!! Sometimes naughty fantasies have their uses!
As for thunder storms - we have some wonderful storms that come down our valley and charge the air with electricity. I still count the distances Grateful so (((((Hugs)))))) to that little girl with her wonderful aunt counting under the covers
Its an interesting topic, I think being in control and being responsible is a bit different. I pay my bills, take my job serious but I cant always say im in control if you know what I mean. Im letting go of control, accepting a higher power into my life means I dont feel the need to control too much these days, I am powerless over people, places and something else that I cant remeber, im only in control of me and my thoughts, behaviour, actions. I usually feel the need to control things when I have fears to be faced. Theres probably a situation every single day when not controlling allows the good things in life in. You can be responsible for letting go and not being in control, for example when y kids were young everything was timed and organised and if something happened, even a really enjoyable thing, I found it hard to let go of the plans so I would force things to fit in with what I called responsibilities. The slogan, how important is it helps me be more flexible, go with the flow, take the time to look at trees.
