The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I acknowledged for the first time I am a survivior of an alcoholic parent. This came about through therapy for an unrelated (or so I believed) issue and I am angry. For the first time I understand why I behave the way I do, the emotional neglect I survived and the blame I carry with me every day. I want to yell, shout, cry and scream again. I feel such rage right now.
Hello, Survivor. Welcome to MIP. I can certainly relate to all that buried anger and hurt. I, too, experienced that many years ago. It was rough going for awhile. My parents were not As, but they did have a parent each who were probably As, so that made them Adult Children of Alcoholics. My parents were very good people with issues of being untreated ACOAs. Alcoholism is a disease that affects entire families for generations. Those of us in Al-Anon have married As, had children who are As, had parents who were As, or befriended people with this disease.
Alcoholics are not bad people but people with a life threatening disease that can kill them and wound us. We have learned that Al-Anon can help us work through some of the anger and hurt that has occurred because of this disease and its destructive nature. There are also some of us on this board who also have become members on the ACOA board, too. The good news is that you have survived and you are healthy enough to feel the feelings that are surfacing for you now. You aren't alone and you will be able to work a lot of this through with others who have also felt the way you do and found a solution in the Al-Anon program and if you're interested, the ACOA program, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 23rd of June 2014 05:45:31 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 23rd of June 2014 09:09:21 PM
We call it an illness here... the alcoholism.... It is not the person themself making our life a living misery- it is the illness... and the illness is, or was, making their life a living misery too...
...we are not obliged to believe this... but for me it was a good starting point... to create some order and sense in my life....
I agree with all of the above ;) there is healing and hope here in the program... The meetings, steps, fellowship, sharing, prayer and meditation. Recovery is ongoing, it helps me to journal about my feelings, behaviors and what irritates me. It also helps to have a few close program people I can talk to. I tried therapy, I never got any real serenity until I applied myself to the program. Like David said above, this is a family disease, passed down from generation to generation. I believe my parents did the best they could by me, but they were behaving the way they were conditioned to be when they were young. It's not personal. Still I had to work through my feelings about that and sometimes I still do. It's a blessing to be able to feel. My father is gone, I never got to say goodbye. My mom is 77. I have a better relationship with her since the program. Sometimes I still get irritated, I'm human that's ok, when I do I either hang up or leave until I am spiritually fit enough to spend time with her again. Blessings on your recovery ;) hugs;) you are not alone anymore
__________________
I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Thank you all so much for your replies. After reading them I had a weep-for good reasons though. You have given me comfort, acceptance and support and that's what I need right now-thank you again.
In the interests of disclosure I must tell you that I have been sober since 1991. I became a sober person after 10 years of living a functional life even though my alcohol abuse was creating havoc for me and those I love. I understand that alcoholism is a disease, and can be generational. I have close family members who are in denial about their use of alcohol, and everyday I thank the universe for helping me in my sobriety.
My alcoholic parent passed away some time ago from the disease. I watched the mental and physical decline which broke my heart, and watched my other parent take care of them and do everything they could to ease the suffering.
I have always known my parent was an alcoholic, but I have never thought of myself as a child of an alcoholic. The sudden realisation of this and the emotions that came with it are overwhelming, and I am still trying to think it all through. The rage is still there though, and I know I must come to terms with this before I can move forward.
I am also concerned now about my own children and the damage I have done to them through my drinking. I see so many of my behaviours as a child of an alcoholic in my youngest adult child, and the sense of responsibility I feel is crippling me.
I am grateful to have a safe place to say these things and I appreciate you listening. Apologies for my post which seems a bit all over the place. A bit like my thoughts actually!
Dear brother in MIP: You are not to blame. The disease is. You did the best you could do at the time, you sobered up and are still sober and now you can heal some more and maybe pass some of that healing on to your children. Where you've been doesn't matter as much as where you're going now. Alateen might be an option for your kids, too.
I can relate..I am an adult child of two alcoholic parents, both in total denial until their passing. There is no ACA meetings in the small town were I live, so I would love to find a forum or meeting board to share a find support of others.
(((((Survivor))))) Many of us have come thru that door. I have and everything about my life was surrounded by the disease. Alcoholism was normal for me so I didn't even know it by any other face other than normal. I couldn't even spell alcoholism or alcoholic or alcohol when I reached the doors of Al-Anon totally insane.
One thing I learned was to tantrum. I know your anger as rage. I didn't know at the time where it came from or when it would demand attention. Something was wrong, seriously wrong and I was in rage without knowing why. My alcoholism counselor gave me permission to tantrum, how I use to when I was a child and gave me guidelines in doing it...Away from people and things I might harm or harm myself while doing it and no longer than 15 seconds which for a good tantrum is power work. Jumping up and down, kicking out in front of me, pumping my arms and fists, swearing the best effing French I knew and then stopping and letting it all go from my spirit and mind and emotions and body...relax the whole system and calmly turn away from the past that still clings. In time it will be released thru the program and thru my counselor as long as I used those tools. Sponsorship was a tool, literature certainly, meetings with counselor and group, prayer and meditation and always arriving as a student asking for guidance. I am a child, victim and a recovering alcoholic myself. I am a double...a member of both programs with experience in ACOA also.
Keeping coming back with patience and a wide open mind and don't hesitate to ask for help. I asked for it all of the time and was never refused. Another thing I was never refused was love...We will love you until you learn to love yourself. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for your moving and helpful post. I love the idea of allowing myself to tantrum. For most of my life I have been carrying anger-it sits below the surface just bubbling away waiting for the slightest reason to explode. I didn't understand why until this week.
So I am going to try and find a place I can just let it all out. Perhaps if I can get rid of some of it I will be able to move on from all the resentment I currently feel. To use my grandsons expression, all this just 'sucks' right now. I am so tired of feeling so awful and the thought of being able to work through this is encouraging.
I am moved by the love you offer-but it's so hard to accept when I feel like I am unworthy of anything but contempt.
I am gratefulhowever, that I took the first step and posted here.
DavidG.