What strategies work for you? - Al-Anon Family Group

slowlearner · Veteran Member

What strategies work for you?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My way was to set a boundary. When A was halfway in his head, I would share with him how i like positive people. How i like to hear good things, that hearing bad stuff serves no purpose for me. So I would also say I wanted to let you know, when anyone comes to me and starts complaining or downing someone or just otherwise being negative, I will walk away.

Next time he pulls this bolony I would walk away, go take a shower, go read. if he chose to cont. I would and did, get into my car and leave. A drunk loves to have a captive audiance. I refuse to play that part.

I had my own bedroom with two locking doors, one to go in and one to the outside. had everything I needed there including a bathroom.

It is up to us to change as they sure are not. So we have to problem solve our own situation. Earplugs work well too, as do earphones with some kind of music player. i would put them on as soon as he starts...

I know it is not easy. I do not hang with complainers or drama makers. I choose to live with my dogs etc. They are always happy, playing or sleeping!

hugs!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Slowlearner)))))

I love your description of the good things in your life and those new flowers that you've brought here on your avatar are beautiful!

When I have done as Debilyn describes - i.e. walked away and done something nice instead - it helps to empower me as well as sending a clear message to AH. I am getting rather irritated by having to walk away all the time though. I visualise a shield made of pretty gold mesh and that does make it easier for me not to react. If I can find some humour to deal with it, it helps.

At the end of the day it is sad because I'd love to share with someone in a quiet companionable way - but negativity and mess making is a type of behaviour that I'm beginning to find rude and intolerable. I need my peace and serenity - perhaps I've graduated from drama school?!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I tend to just nod and keep changing the topic "Oh my goodness that cloud looks like a dragon, look!" or "you know what would be nice right now? A coffee. Would you like one?" kind of like how you would cheerfully distract a child who is throwing a tantrum. My A would either forget that he was grumpy and cheer up, or he would get tired of not getting the response he was looking for (which was a fight that he could blame me for because I "snapped") and he would give up and leave me be. Either way it helps me to not get sucked in to an argument I am not interested in and to maintain my positive frame of mind.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 23rd of June 2014 02:58:09 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Choose how you want it to come out for you and then follow thru. Sometimes I'll get empathetic and ask if there is a problem and would she want to talk about it. Other times I'll comment "I understand" and add a non judgmental or critical experience. Other times If I'm just not up to participating I'll comment that my focus is on something else and maybe I'll participate later. If she presses the subject and drama I comment "Wow that is tiring. I just don't have the energy for it" and turn my attention and/or body somewhere else. I don't participate in power struggles...don't let others over power me. Negativity sucks...Hey you might even say that one...It's true. ((((hugs)))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

When my husband was not in recovery, I was unable to stay in a peaceful, loving place. Al anon tools, slogans, meetings helped me to manage, set boundaries, take care of me, but I got tired of managing and no longer wanted to manage. I wanted to flourish and thrive. I was in awe of people that could be what I wanted to be while living with their using spouses. Now, that he is working his recovery, too, I do much of what Jerry does. I know the stuff will not escalate, there will be no punishments for my walking away, I feel safe in taking care of my needs, I speak freely, I don't walk on eggshells and I feel relaxed. Al anon meetings and a sponsor really saved my life. I am glad you enjoyed your time alone smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I couldn't live with it, so I don't really have any strategies to share. Unless somebody is really working a program, I find my Spirit going in another direction and my body has to follow or I end up sick on multiple levels. I can tolerate only a short bout of negativity since to me, we are all a mixed bag of shadow and light, but that is really all I can endure - just a short bout of it. I do love that your day was peaceful and productive for the most part. I also think you said what you meant, meant what you said and didn't say it mean when your AH wanted to gossip about your brothers. Good program work!!!!!!

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 23rd of June 2014 06:40:21 AM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

slowlearner

I found the best way not to surrender the good feelings of serenity and joy is to not engage emotionally, physically, or spiritually with a drunk .

There is a reading in the C@C that reminded me that silence,tinged with unspoken anger,and resentment affect our attitudes and can be felt more than actual negative words, so detachment with love is the answer.

When he arrived home , I would review the slogans and serenity prayer , in my mind, detach from the situation with love (no negative self talk allowed) and validate myself and my day. I would also say simple courteous statements :such as sounds like a good idea, I will think about it, I am glad you enjoyed yourself and then move on to my day and my positive experiences. It did not matter if he was supportive or barely listened, it only mattered that I did no negate my day or make myself invisible It works .

Remember my friend, this is a process and it is progress not perfection. I'm glad you enjoyed your day and had constructive peaceful moments. That's a win-win for you. Keep on keeping on and coming back here and sharing you are not alone.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say boundaries, practiced over and over until he gets it. You need to spell it out without many words. Long conversations and explanations just dont do it really. I would say I dont want to listen to negative talk today, if you continue I will walk away, then if he does continue, walk out the room, if he follows then tell him if he continues you will leave, then if you need to go for a walk. Be consistent and he will get it. Dont listen to it ever, make that your rule for you, your own boundary. You have choices.his disease means he wants to share the misery and negativity, thats the goal, you dont need to be part of it. If he gets a bit annoyed or rants then do the same thing, move away, remember jade, you can say no without justifying, arguing, defending or explaining. He may want to know why are you being like this, cold hearted and he just wants to talk etc, the usual manipulation.good luck.x

karma13 · Senior Member

I have a prayer and meditation room and I will literally walk away and go there when I'm feeling down do readings, call a program friend, or pray. If I were in your situation and he followed me around the house. I would literally leave..walk away, drive away. I have choices and I teach people how to treat me with my boundaries. I don't bother telling them, I use my intuition and action. Telling them doesn't work with most people, at least not for me.

slowlearner · Veteran Member

Thanks for all of your replies and wisdom. Yes it's my AH's negativity that brings me down to his level. And I don't realize how much it affects me until he's gone. I can so relate to "blessed" that the joy just gets sucked out of the house when my AH gets home and he's been drinking. It's like the black cloud is back again, and follows me wherever I go. The sad part that his favorite spot to drink and brood is the kitchen, the central part of the house so he's hard to avoid.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do believe that the "Black Cloud" came from within me because of my reaction to the disease and person. I felt it in my home while I lived with my husband's alcoholism, and had to finally leave. I found program, telephone calls meetings, readings and going out and having fun worked in removing the darkness.

When I sold my sons's house after he passed from this disease, the person who purchased it sent me a not begging me to accept her offer for the home because of the warmth and love she felt in the home. That was such a gift and proof that my alanon tools worked better this time around. I saved that letter as a treasure
Keep taking care of yourself

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs SL ..

I think for me I have learned that whatever he's doing it's not really the man it's him in a fog. I find it much easier to not take things personally so I'm more able to QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally) it .. if he wants to be a joy sucker let him .. it doesn't mean he needs to clip to my tank to suck away my joy. His mood is about him and I am powerless over the fact he makes a choice to be miserable and that can be qualified to he chooses to blame others for whatever bad is going on.

My pastor recently spoke this Spring about "What number is your Joy Quota" .. and how we all need that to be a high number and give it away, however not allow it to be taken away. We need to fill our own tanks .. I think that can be applied to anything .. happiness quota and as far as a drama quota that should be very, very low.

Anyway, do what makes you happy and fills your tank, plug the holes in your tank so you don't empty yourself out and freely give joy, happiness to others around you .. that's what I try to do at least and it helps in dealing with the negativity.

Hugs S :)

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I would leave the house and do my own thing. I like living without him to be honest.

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