TT well you caught  yourself and put into plan how to avoid the same thing happening again. So how does one detach? I know for me his talking about his disease was his own. I would say yes it has to be hard being an A. Then change the subject. I reminded him his disease and its issues were his business. I just loved him.

I could say to your sweetie if he brot it up and needed a sounding board, wow that sounds hard, I know you can figure it out.

Also if he starts talking about anything, we can always say do you need me to listen only? I tell my son when I am talking about, oh my truck needs tuned up or whatever I don't  need you to figure this out for me, I am just talking.

TT you are a very intelligent woman. I know I am too. Almost too "on" all the time. Sometimes we intimidate without meaning too. My son told me that when he was 16! I felt so bad. I learned to stop "mothering" him.

We as nurturers can easily fall into that mode of well hmm maybe you could try this or that....But we can learn to not go there.

My son yikes he can lose it fast. I will try to make things ok. He hates that, he says MOM I am a man I do this for a living I know what to do!Here I said oh its ok its fine the way it is...oops. I measured my slider door wrong, he was going to put another one in....when he realized new one would not fit, he sorta showed a GD. but see to me I needed to pacify, instead I would have done better to say, oh dang I measured it wrong? well I know  you can figure it out and left it.

It doesn't have to be an A thing TT, it can be a man/male thing. they can figure it out, and need to figure it out on their own.

My ex AH was a good nut though, he liked it when I said well could you do it this way? would that work? he did hte same for me.

And even now with the man I love, we have always been able to say the same. Help each other without feeling insecure etc. He is super mature and intelligent.

maybe your A just needs more seasoning and experience. You know how we say on mip to married people who say but what they do does affect me, we say however you can choose to react how you will.

same as you. does it matter that much that you may not have money to do certain things for awhile? I mean I like to have pizza and salad, and play board games, or take a blanket to the woods, or read to each other. I love those books of questions to ask each other.

I don't know how active  you guys are, but I bought rafts etc for me and kids so we could always go do that with just a bit of gas.  We went on day trips like to the beach and fed seagulls and sea lions.

I mean really what are you concerned about? He can figure it out!

Anyhooo I love to see you here you old timer! lol I hope your hurting heart is healed some. YES you know his is still an open wound.

Take a breath, pat yourself on the back for saying, "hey wait a minute what am I doing!" and ya pulled in the reins!

All  you really need is a pot bellied pig uno! haha love you little one, debilyn ps remember it is ok to lighten up!! also a sexy nightie does wonders....

Thanks Everyone!

(((karma))) thank you for your share. It helped me to feel a little less alone with this behavior. I like your tool for detachment - being no longer curious about things that will only upset you. I am going to try to practice more self protection in that way.

(((jill))) thank you... we can keep sharing our progress with this. Tell me we're going to make progress I think the closer the relationship, the harder the habit is to break. I guess we'll just need to practice, practice practice! Speaking for myself, the response I get to this interference should serve as more than a subtle reminder to get back on my own side of the street. Thanks for letting me know how you struggle with this too.

(((debilyn))) thank you for those insights about men and women. He would absolutely love your share and that you agree with your son that's he's also a grown man who can figure things out on his own. As far as simple activities that don't cost much, we pretty do things like you mentioned. Money is very tight and gas is expensive so we don't do as many day trips as we had but we do have a good time with one another. It becomes more difficult when activities involves other people who aren't living within a tight budget. We've had to beg off for some of those activities just for right now. LOL about the potbelly pig and the nightie! Until now, I thought acceptance was the answer to all my problems.  You nut!

(((pp))) thank you for the reminder to about HALT and to be gentle with myself concerning feeling ashamed. I know as an ACOA I have to be very careful exhibiting the same unacceptable behaviors that hurt me before finding this program. I know this has been stemming from my fears about personal changes to my life not mine and his. These fears have a lot to do with my pride and ego which means I'm out of humility and my self will is leading instead of my higher power. The fears have made me hypervigilant about his business. I'm getting to the root of my troubles now and have made my amends and we've agreed that our relationship needs to be separate from other issues personal to each of us. We'll be working on this odaat.

(((bud))) thank you for your love, prayers and support.  I think as long as we keep our word to stay off the topic of my work and his finances and lead with THINK when communicating, our time together will be good. 

(((grateful)))) thank you for sharing your feelings about reacting due to "a particularly trying experience that never seems to end."  I know that you went through so much when you were losing your Dad. I can really see how in combination your son relapsing during that time would feel absolutely unbearable.  I think my emotions have really taken off in this manner too. First with the death of my mom and feeling the pain would never end then combined with the ongoing misery of wondering if I have a job or not and if so what will the quality of that job be in this very dysfunctional workplace. So yes, I behaved as if an atomic bomb was dropped too and with someone close to me. I think the saddest think about this is that all consciousness about what he is going through with losing his own parent just escaped me and my behavior was irrational and unkind. I'm thankful today is a better day than yesterday was since inventorying myself and there's a chance to work the program with a little more consciousness now and try not to reach that place of being overwhelmed and having my feelings come out sideways.  I do have off for the holiday and a few extra days. I've been looking into a few things to do that might be fun. I'll run those by him and see what he thinks and see if he has anything in in mind.  He works odd hours because it's the only job he's been able to get for now. He's grateful to have finally gotten hired somewhere. Sometimes I get home from work and don't see him until I wake up the next day. We discuss the highlights of the day before and then it's the same schedule again the following day. We definitely need to roll up our pant legs and stick our feet in the creek for awhile :)