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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> years of watching enabling. i finally BLEW!
Post Info TOPIC: years of watching enabling. i finally BLEW!
debhud


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years of watching enabling. i finally BLEW!
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hi everyone,  my AS is enabled by my parents.  they pay all of his bills and watch his child while he sleeps.  they are there for him at the drop of a dime.  he is their entire focus in life. (he doesn't work)  7 other grandchildren in the picture that my parents rarely notice as they are so addicted to my AS.  the entire family keeps their mouths shut but there are alot of feelings hurt in the process.  our thoughts are, we can't change gram and gramps any more that we can change the alcoholic.  yesterday i blew a gasket.  my father was sorude and mean to my daughter. she was on speaker phone and i heard the entire conversation.  she was so hurt that she began to cry. "why is he so mean to us mom?" (this has happened many times in the past and usually  i mind my own business)

but yesterday i was so angry. i called to talk to my father.  mom wouldn't let me talk to him as she knew how angy i was.  i blew up!  i told her exactly how all of her grandchildren have felt hurt throughout the years. i told her that everyone knew the "golden boy" got their all and there was nothing left for the others.  i told her i didn't care what she did with her money but i wasn't going to allow my children to be hurt any more by their behavior.  she tried the guilt trip, "we will be gone soon and noone will have to worry about it."   

i rarely open my mouth to anyone.  i am know as the one in the family who sugar coats everything.  my two sisters agree that they needed to hear what i said.  but they too know there won't be any change.  i am so upset by the entire incident. 

i am so confused by this.  i am the only one in my family involved with alanon.  did i stick my nose where it didn't belong?  i'm sure i did. what's all the confusion about?  

this alcoholism is truly a family disease!!!



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debbie huddle
el-cee


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That must be really difficult to cope with. Learning that enabling is dangerous to alcoholics, getting help for yourself and then your parents take on the role. I agree, you are helpless, I think lots of alcoholics find further enablers, theres not a lot anyone can do about it. Your only human so maybe you felt the need to say what you did. It could be that you need to say it in a kinder way or even encouraging your parents to attend alanon, otherwise there is not much you can do.

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karma13


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Its sounds like you spoke your truth, likely they won't change, but hopefully there was a release and healing for you. Be gentle with yourself :) you are human :)

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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive 
grateful2be


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YOU changed. That's program work working. I'd rather have somebody tell me the truth about what they're seeing that I'm not seeing (who have earned the right to do that which to me is being in relationship together for awhile) then to simmer inside and pretend all is well outside. You're a human being and not a human doing and you stood up for other children who might have needed that from you? As far as the guilt trip - oh, well. Everybody will react or respond as they do. As far as I'm concerned, if this is the first time you have spoken up and spoken out, good beginning!

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Jerry F


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Good Post debhud...a vent!!!  Vents are necessary to let the steam pressure release so that the roof doesn't come off and land down the street somewhere.  I learned how to inventory my vents before letting them rip.  I use to use "keep it simple" which is also a request from my HP before venting.  Keeping it simple allowed me to just say often..."I am angry' or if really angry, "I am pissed".  Why that worked for me was because often the people I needed to say it in front of already were expecting it and knew why.  Using that slogan kept my amends process in better control.   Years of watching...that is a pressure build.   (((((Let go and let God)))))   smile



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Debilyn


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sounds to me like you lost it when he hurt your daughter! Which I find very normal and glad you have ovaries to do it!Your daughter will feel you are on her side and will protect her. I know that was important to me.

Standing up for our loved ones takes courage. hugs!

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Cathyinaz


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Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. I have to live by it everyday. I'm not going to be quiet so if it's in my best interest I will say something before like Jerry says " I blow the lid off the roof"

Take care and don't be a stranger so much.....good place to vent is here my friend. ESH helps.

((( hugs )))




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KennyFenderjazz


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I agree with grateful. I don't know your history. if you aren't in the habit of speaking up, then you need practice. Your first time, to blow the lid off the roof (yeah, that's a good one Jerry), well, maybe practice makes perfact. You got the mean what you say, say what you mean part. Now it's the tweaking in of the don't say it mean part. You will do great.

kenny

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Newlife girl


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Sometimes you need to be strong and say the truth. I think it's fine. Your parents probably won't change, but you got it off your chest and hopefully it will make you feel better. Going to al anon meetings and reading helps too

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> years of watching enabling. i finally BLEW!