So that didn't go to plan. - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: So that didn't go to plan.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Hi MissMeliss,

Just wanted to drop in and let you know I'm praying/hoping/wishing for an opportunity to come your way very soon that'll show you the next step for you to take, in breaking away from this situation. I hope said wonderful opportunity comes along today, in fact! If not, hang in there!

Also, one thing I learned when my daughter 'opted' (i.e. was bullied) to go live with her AF after I got divorced from him, was that I had to be the adult in our relationship. She still very much needed me to be the adult, even though she was already 14. She still needed it when she was 17. I had to learn to risk being the bad guy in her eyes, but just like when they're toddlers, they'll still test you a bit to see where your boundaries are. So good luck too, navigating the complications with your daughter. It's almost like someone batted the chess board with all the pieces up in to the air - but the pieces did all land again somehow and we did return to a semblance of normality in the end. I had not needed to really be a big, responsible adult until the divorce, and then, when I was coming apart the most, she really needed me to be rock-solid. I really wasn't. Hindsight, and all that.

I do wish though, looking back, that I had been more of the adult at the time, even though I was a total basket case, and terrified of my ex-DH. You are already way ahead of where I was at that time, though, since you have an Al Anon toolbox.

(((hugs)))

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Wednesday 18th of June 2014 06:34:41 AM

karma13 · Senior Member

In your last few posts I hear a woman stronger than she knows and that you never needed him. I'm also hearing the longer you have stayed with him the more he has been dragging you down. I'm praying for you and your daughter ;) trust your hp, your hp has a good plan for you, better than you may know ;) love and hugs

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My mother would act pretty much the same way until I leveled with her. Your mom has also been living with a sociopathic A according to you. I do wonder if your mom really knew the truth, if her tune might change. Maybe not. Just wondering. I know you've tried to keep how abusive he is sort of a secret because it feels shameful even though it's really shameful on him and not you. Prayers Mel. What you term "witness relocation" type of help might be worth it...fresh start away from him and he is like a leech following you around. It might not be a bad idea if it was made harder for him to find you. You say he's kept you isolated and everyone else you might live with are "strangers" where you are already, doesn't sound like it would be that different.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you mean my biol dad pink? My mother hasn't seen him since I was 5; they married as teenagers and split 2 years later. I got to enjoy the older crazy alcoholic him all by myself lol. She says she left him because he was immature and only interested in smoking pot and partying. She never made contact with him again. I met him really when I was 16 and told him to never contact me again when I was 30 and as a mother felt like I had to keep him away from my child. Honestly I wish he had never contacted me; I had no idea how to handle him and put up with so much crazy during those years because i didn't know how to tell him to go away. Interesting that I replaced him with another guy who now reminds me so much of him it's scary. My mother never really believed me and brings him up often although i have asked her not to, 'so have you ever heard from your father again? You know it's your fathers birthday tomorrow" etc. Drives me insane tbh. She's like that, whatever I have ever told her she responds with "are you sure? I don't think that really happened, I think you are misinterpreting it" and so on. Even if the event occured a year ago and she was there she claims she doesn't remember it; it gets weird lol. That's just how she is; she grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad too and was probably told the same thing by her mum. Who knows. I know it doesn't make it easy to stand up to people when you are always wondering "did it really happen? Am I imagining it? Did I misunderstand?" That's the legacy i guess. At least I can learn from that and not pass it on to my own child. But no in any event she isn't going to be helpful now.

I can do this anyway. I know I can. I'd prefer not to move interstate and that would cause untold problems with my ex who has visitation rights to our daughter; I am not supposed to move more than 4 hours drive from him. Although the thought of a fresh start somewhere new...anyway I'm just thinking out loud really. I have options, they are starting to come together, I just have to choose from the menu instead of waiting for the 'perfect" scenario to materialise in front of my eyes. I feel OK, I feel like I can.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 18th of June 2014 08:30:34 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

There is so much strength in your posts, Melly. So good to hear. Sending you more.....

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

Hi Melly,

Keep your head held high, you are doing the best you can in your situation. Is there a local message board on the internet where you can post a note looking to share a house? Maybe there are ads in the paper from women who are also looking to split the cost of rent/utilities.

Big hug to you.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Melly ..

I really struggled with people doubting what I was telling them there is nothing like having someone invalidate you as you say .. this happened .. are you sure it did? One of the reasons I had to stop contact with my STBAX's s/mom is because she actually called me and said out loud .. are you SURE he's drinking? He looks so good and sounds so good. Umm .. am I sure?? Noooo .. I just completely fabricated what has happened over the last 2 years of my life and before that even though she was with me and supported me through much of it. I realize now .. she's just as sick as I am and as he is .. the difference is she's caught in the I want to believes vs the what ares. YES .. I'm sure he's drinking and WHY? Would I make that up? I would have to be a chronic liar and I really don't think I am .. things that have happened are over the top .. however there is nothing that I have fabricated with what I have dealt with what the kids have dealt with and how he just doesn't show up.

I think what hurt me the most was she went through it with his dad and I never questioned her .. EVER. I never made her feel that I didn't believe her and I would have never asked her if she was sure something happened .. I wasn't there and she didn't strike me as a person who would lie .. I thought she had the same respect for me .. obviously not.

My mom also does the same thing .. so as soon as that starts I realize that I'm not in a safe place and that I have to stop as soon as it starts and remove them from my head .. yes it happened and yes I was there I know. I don't lie .. there is no point .. the truth is stranger than fiction at times .. that's not my doing.

Big hugs .. you are a strong lady and this too shall pass .. your HP will guide you .. I DO pray that you won't have to deal with this abuse much longer if at all presently and you are able to find a home you can afford. I didn't want to have to move in town .. it became not a choice for me. I'm finding out it's not so bad .. the kids are much happier and so am I.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone
Clear the fog thanks for the reminder-I keep reminding myself- I managed when my daughter was a baby and my husband left and I had nowhere to live. I was sad all the time but I coped and managed to set us up in a nice safe place and start saving money and going to school etc. Now I can do it again and this time with my al-anon toolbox I don't even have to be sad all the time!! I might even enjoy it once the dust settles.
I can see this even in recent times; when A went on an abusive rampage months ago I fell apart and couldn't even get out of bed for a week, this time around I called the cops, freaked out for half a day but the tools were there; I read my al-anon books got on with my stepwork (ironically step 4, what fun lol) and I'm not going to write here too much about what I am 'going to do" until it is tangible reality but have been pretty single minded about looking for housing and work the past few days as well as doing the driving lessons I had scheduled. I don't really have any-one I can talk to so I babble here a lot (sorry lol) although a couple of ladies in my meeting approached me today and suggested maybe meeting for coffee and to talk through stuff and I will; it's a really comfortable thought actually because I am normally so nervous getting to know people but lol people from my group already know the nasty details and that I'm a bit of a nervy person so I don't think it would be at all awkward and actually sounds really nice. So, something to yay about.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 18th of June 2014 09:00:05 AM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Sad dog mummy in regards to looking for someone to share with- I haven't had very good luck with sharing in the past. I have done it in the name of 'studying" for ages now but the home situation has taken so much of my focus that no study ever gets done and I feel so deflated and ashamed a lot of the time because I've been getting no-where for a long time, just existing. So at this point I think I need to accept that full time study isn't an option; I need work to pay for a place and then i can fit study in where it is possible. It's a nice dream and all but at some point I'm going to have to stop hiding behind "but I'm meant to be studying" and just get some money coming in. Work=can pay for a place for daughter dog cat and I=happier me=maybe I'll get some actual study done eventually instead of just using the idea of it to make myself feel better, because it isn't, really.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Babble away! LOL. That'd be nice to meet with some other ladies face to face, too.

4 hours away from your ex? Lucky you! I had to stay in the same post code. Argh. That's good recognition that you remember how you coped when your daughter was a baby. Yeah. I hope you have a great next 24 hours. One day at a time. Still wishing you an abundance of opportunities. Have a good day/night, whatever time it is there.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm hoping to run out of the state and at this point I doubt the courts would be opposed considering the high drama that has gone on .. I can move ANYWHERE in the state and he can't say a thing about it. I'm grateful for that so it gives me hope to move .. the money is the bigger issue .. hoping that may be resolved.

Hugs S :)

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like a job might be the first step towards freedom for you! Good idea. One step at a time. Meeting with the al anon people sounds great too.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I met great ladies at Church and al-anon that helped me find a place I could afford, God sent me the people I needed when the timing was right for me. Not that they had my answers, but they helped me to problem solve and taught me to love and trust again. Sending you love and support!

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