So that didn't go to plan. - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: So that didn't go to plan.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

If you don't want to leave, then get a restraining order and kick his ass out.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to be so blunt...but the time has come to not get hurt even worse. Do this for your daughter. Pinkchip is a wonderful resource...thank you for giving her all the info to get help PC...you are a great guy.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Newlife girl wrote:
Sorry to be so blunt...but the time has come to not get hurt even worse. Do this for your daughter. Pinkchip is a wonderful resource...thank you for giving her all the info to get help PC...you are a great guy.

yep, I agree PC is a very decent guy, so are all the other ones who stepped up and gave their esh here today.....Mel, like Newlife says "the time has come" for you to stop being brutalized and beaten down anymore....either YOU go or HE goes, but it has to happen before you get hurt or even killed....I think i speak for all of us, we are greatly concerned about you....we al-anon-ers may disagree w/each other from time to time, but there is no better bunch then the people on this board...

i am glad I am home...I learn something each day I show up and read and share......

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

God protect MissMeliss, her daughter, and her critters. Keep them safe. Amen

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Amen

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Amen

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Amen

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

amen

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Amen

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Amen

Kerrymom · Senior Member

Amen

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly,

this is all so hard and I know it is .. please get some sleep and take care of you first thing first .. when you are in a place of being ok it is easier to make the harder decisions .. I am sooo sorry that this is happening and I hope when you are in a better frame of mind come back and read what everyone has written. What everyone is saying is hard stuff because it's all unknown .. it's all scary in terms of not knowing what the future holds. I hate to say .. kids don't dictate what is best for the family .. the grown ups do. I want you to know my mom put that kind of pressure on me and I grew up really resenting her for it. All of her choices became my fault and that's not a burden a kid should have to shoulder .. I really didn't want it.

You gotta take care of you first and then you can do the other stuff.

Hugs S :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Amene

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning melly, I hope you had a safe and peaceful night. How are you?

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Melly,

I hope that you managed to get some sleep and had a quiet night. It must be hard reading all the posts here but I hope that they have also given you strength and courage (and very practical info as well) for when you need it. Sometimes I reflect on how pleased I am to have been raised to make the best of what I've got. I always find something to enjoy in my life and I'm lucky to have that gene. I think that perhaps you have it as well? For years I've taken pride in overcoming obstacles and rising to challenges. But in my heart I know that there is one important challenge I have not taken yet - the challenge of giving up and walking away.

What I've seen over the past few months is you finding enhancing things in your life and your strength getting stronger and vibrancy returning to your life. It has been a joy to see. So I'm not surprised that your A is fighting dirtier than ever to try and keep you on his hook. Sometimes I get the feeling with my AH that when I'm weak and confused that is how he likes it. When I'm rising to the surface is when he tries to pull me down. Our A's will make it as difficult as they possibly can for us to succeed because it scares them. But so what????!! Shouldn't it make us mad that someone wants to dim our potential in life?

I think that there is a reason why I find it hard to leave and it is, strangely, the same reason that I try to make life a pleasure and am able to live in the moment - which is why it is so difficult for me to rewire that belief. It has benefits!! But it will happen. And I know in my heart that when it does I'll thrive because I will have cracked the code that allows me to keep the benefits whilst choosing where I want my energy to go (rather than letting someone divert my energy in a negative direction).

I just need to stop trying to solve everything in one fell swoop and break it down into steps without already knowing the outcome. For me that is the Let Go part of our lessons. And most important of all I need to believe - I can trust myself. I CAN DO THIS! And I think that you can as well my dear friend. Sending love to you and your daughter.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all.
That was 24 hours of total breakdown really, so much anger, helplessness, misery, better now and starting to work out what to do.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great MssMeliss, Keep us updated

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Melly,

I'm glad you updated and you are doing better. As HotRod said .. please do keep update us as to what is going on.

Hugs S :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Good to hear you are okay. I think you had legit reasons to be upset and fearful....but action is the key word. I think a lot of us are just fearful things could get worse while you are trying to figure stuff out. You heard Neshema's "getting out" story...and mine was also not "smooth" or "pretty." It was me walking out with 2 grocery bags worth of clothes and begging the one friend I had left if I could stay with her and her mom for a month. And of course my ex was screaming "If you leave you better not come back! It's really over!" Ugh. Then when I actually went to walk out the door it was "I'm going to the patio...I can't stand to watch you go..." All that yelling, screaming, manipulation, and undermining my self-esteem for so long and....in the end....he was whimpering and begging for me to stay and saying I could cheat on him and do whatever I wanted and he'd forgive me...It was so sad. He was shocked as hell that I actually was calling it quits for real. He wasn't the quite the threat to me as yours is, but he was a train wreck. Sometimes we just can't afford to stall thinking of a perfect solution because there is no perfect and we have to wing it...Maybe kind of anti-alanon (because the "don't react" and "when in doubt, don't" slogans are so prevalent) and I wouldn't be saying this stuff to a brand newcomer - but I do find it to be a truism in life.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Dear Mel

I called police and he returned home drunk. Children services became involved. He assaulted me. I had a choice call again or lose my 3 daughters. It wasn't a choice. Replace FEAR with FAITH. I had so many reasons for not wanting to call again and only one good reason to make that call. I heard loud stubborn voices. What about daughters dance? What about the dog? What about buying food?..... I was scared and angry that I was not the alcoholic and WHY did I have to sacrifice my life and childrens "lifestyle" because he was an alcoholic....God gives us what we need when we need it, I believe it. My "will" vs. HP's "will". I will try to not question him any longer because the outcome was better than what I could have planned.

Sending you much love and support on this difficult journey.
You know what the next right thing to do is.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Melly))))...Looking in to check on you...yes check on you. The realization this morning for me is that we love you deeply and that love and concern, no fear for you, can put pressure on you which I know does not and will not make this easier. I read my literature and did my inventory on my responses with you with the overriding truth "we admitted we were powerless..." and return to the reality that you and HP are in charge of the process and outcomes for Melly. I am grateful to be in this MIP/Al-Anon Family and in support and for the trust you place in us. In support. smile

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Mel)))) Sending you lots of love and support.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And belief in you, too.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Ha providence.
Just received an eviction notice but this time its not for non-payment, it's because the landlord wishes to 'renovate" (code for we just want you out regardless). The agent said it's because the lawns are waist high and the owner is sick of it. I'm sick of it too lol. But anyway it isn't negotiable because technically no-one is "at fault". So, here we are again, this time 2 years ago he lost his job and then got us kicked out of the nicest house in the world, this time the moral to the story is...don't be a moron and move into another house with him I guess lol der.
Sigh where will we go how will I afford it and, just, gaaaaaaah. Now I'm REALLY freaking out :-/
2 driving lessons today, test next week, one foot in front of the other, worry about where to live after I've done today's things I guess.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of prayers for you that God will help you through this.

Please God give Melly options that she will find a place to live.

((( hugs )))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

missmeliss wrote:
Ha providence.
Just received an eviction notice but this time its not for non-payment, it's because the landlord wishes to 'renovate" (code for we just want you out regardless). The agent said it's because the lawns are waist high and the owner is sick of it. I'm sick of it too lol. But anyway it isn't negotiable because technically no-one is "at fault". So, here we are again, this time 2 years ago he lost his job and then got us kicked out of the nicest house in the world, this time the moral to the story is...don't be a moron and move into another house with him I guess lol der.
Sigh where will we go how will I afford it and, just, gaaaaaaah. Now I'm REALLY freaking out :-/
2 driving lessons today, test next week, one foot in front of the other, worry about where to live after I've done today's things I guess.

well without him around your neck, and with a minor child, you could, possibly get financial aide, at least here people can......sometimes we are forced to make positive changes.....good luck on driving test...good on you one day at a time....i thing at a time......

oldergal · Senior Member

I can't tell you what to do Miss, but I know what I would do, I would go to my parents house and take a break and think things out, before making a major move. I would not take anything of his with me, because then he has an excuse to see you. HP works in mysterious ways, although you can see 3ft tall grass from heaven too, an eye soar..... og

karma13 · Senior Member

With the recent developments it seems your hp has a plan ;) listen to your intuition and trust your hp;) still praying for you and your daughter ;) much love big hugs

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't have to be in immediate jeopardy of a beatdown (though not sure you aren't with him) to utilize the support of domestic violence counselors and agencies. That is the situation here. You are trying to break free of an abuser. The agencies have funds to do that.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 17th of June 2014 06:51:29 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Pink .. please call it's the reason these places HAVE resources and they need to use them!! I went for counseling while the OP was going on at an abuse place because I really needed to get it that yes .. this is emotional and physical terrorism ..

Hugs S :)

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Reach for the life preservers, Melly. We will help you to hang on; you are strong enough to get through this. We may see things in you that you don't, yet; let us be your eyes. And there is no shame in whatever has happened or whatever you choose to do.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Melly))) I am so sorry for all your turmoil!! I know exactly what you are going through. That trapped, scared, beaten down, exhausted feeling. You have been given some great tips from this board, we all love you ... I just wanted to add, concerning your daughter.... When I finally decided that I had had enough and informed my loved ones that I was now in control of my life and would be making my own decisions, that I loved them, but that I had to make some HARD tough decisions, they backed off. I think they were relieved and respected my "return to sanity". If you decide that you are going "home", your daughter may not like it, but she will respect you for your action in protecting you and her. I will be praying for you and your daughter. Please, Stay safe.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, my HP is ALWAYS on my side when I've surrendered my will and my life into my HP's hands. No matter what has happened on the outer, each change has been my HP moving me on to greater freedom. I might resist for awhile and in the end, I always surrender and maybe not in the moment, but later on I see the hand of my HP in all the details that moved me from bondage to freedom. (((M)))

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am working on step 4. An inventory of myself. I am looking at why I have chosen to be with an alcoholic for 11 years. What did I get out of it? What was it doing for me?? In al anon we look at ourselves. Examine our motives in relationships. What part are we playing in this turmoil?
My eyes are wide open and I am no longer in denial.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, parents don't want me there. I knew that already I guess but it helped me cope during my meltdown to think of it s a nice easy option that was possible. They're finally getting my siblings out of the home, I guess, ready to downsize, or whatever. Mother is not what I would call helpful, just sending me negative messages to remind me of things like "you will need a yard for your dog" and "you will need to be near daughter's school", "you'd better get packing" "have you mowed the lawn yet" just irritating really, lol. That's OK it would have been a nightmare anyway.

As to why haven't I just gone and stayed with someone...I haven't had anyone to just go and stay with. Unless you mean just turn up at a random strangers house lol. I don't know how well that would be received.

As to support services, thanks Pink, I actually investigated far and wide a few months ago and found that the only assistance available to me was 1) 1-2 nights emergency accomodation in a rooming house or 2) a complete relocation program like witness protection which would move me interstate far from anyone I know. Neither option is really helpful to me. There is counselling available, I'll make use of that when I have sorted out my housing situation. I'm sure I will need it. I appreciate you looking into it

Anyway no point dwelling on the negative. Things are just as they were months ago except somewhat better because there is a lot more housing available here in winter and the prices reduce a bit (beachy tourist town). Also I should very soon be able to drive my car which means I am not faced with the awful prospect of leaving the dog here to fend for himself against the A who absolutely hates him. That factor has been keeping me prisoner; I can't even go away for a weekend and have to limit my time away from the house because I don't like leaving him with the animals. Sad.

Anyway back to house and job hunting. Thanks all for the love and support. I'll get there and then I'll be glad I don't have to go through this ever again because, it's just so draining ugh.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh and to clarify we were both on the lease, he pays half of the rent, I pay half, sometimes he pays some of the bills but mostly I pay on my own. I'm not dependent on him, in fact he owes me thousands and lived rent-free on my couch for 2 years before we moved here. He costs me a lot, eats all of my food, runs up the bills and refuses to pay; he certainly has never supported me. The issue isn't me being financially dependent on him. It's that I do not have enough to rent a place on my own and need someone to share with, and I know no-one and every option I investigate fails!!! A place on my own is just out of reach; by the time I pay the rent I wont have money for bills and food on my current income. This is the problem and what has kept me here to date; just having someone to pay half of the rent has been too hard to walk away from, better the devil you know and all that.
So at this point I just have to try to get a place on my own and hope like crazy that I find work and fast. Not a picnic and not simple; my income will be a big concern as they wont want to rent to me when I can't show that I can afford it alone and, now my rental reference will be TERRIBLE even though I have paid my half of the rent like clockwork for years and prior to that when i met ABF I was actually several months ahead with my rent just as a safety mechanism. Oh how things changed. It was easier then; payments have been cut drastically now and rents have skyrocketed. Back then I rented a place on my own easily and even managed to support a freeloading A for 2 years as well, oh lucky me lol. Now with him we have been kicked out of 2 places now and it is going to be so hard to get someone to agree to rent to me not to mention my low income or then having pets....sigh.
I'll find a way but ugh it is not in any way simple.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 17th of June 2014 10:07:47 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

You know Mel, reading your last post .. exactly what does he bring to the table? It sounds like you are doing it on your own as it is .. so I'm confused how is it living with him is better, I mean even in a roommate capacity. You HAVE been doing it on your own over the last however many months/years. So what would be the difference really in him not being there? Even financially it has to be a crap shoot I mean in terms of him giving you money or not.

Hugs S :)

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

In the US we have welfare and food stamps for women in situations like yours. Does Australia have anything like that?? Assistance for getting low income housing? Also, you could put an ad online...here we have Craig's List. Put an ad that you are looking for a roommate. There are ways out of the misery you are in. You just have to find them. Help from a church? Something has to be out there. I hope you can look really hard at your options and weigh the pros and cons of everything. What is really keeping you in that house with him?? Do you have a sponsor? Can you talk to someone on a domestic violence hotline? I believe there is a way to get rid of him if you really wanted to.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it's good to examine why you still want to be with him.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.