Dating An Active Drinker - Al-Anon Family Group

Popcorn · Newbie

Dating An Active Drinker

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, Popcorn. I'm glad you are in Al-Anon. I married a man who was an alcoholic but I didn't know it at the time. He became cross addicted to drugs. He was also abusive. I didn't know that either until after I was married and living with him. Believing in my vows, I stayed married to him and also brought two children into the world with him. My son is almost 39 years old. He, too, is an active A. My daughter and I have both been drug through many experiences thanks to alcoholism and its affects on the non-A. Although I am grateful for my children, I am not grateful for the disease that destroyed my x, is destroying my son, almost destroyed me and hurt my daughter. Had I any inkling he was an alcoholic and not just a social drinker as many people my age did in their early 20s, I would have said goodbye long before I married him. We can love them and in my experience we can't live with them. To me, it wasn't worth the experience to marry him. I didn't re-marry and I'm much happier that way.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of June 2014 05:48:04 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of June 2014 06:14:45 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Popcorn wrote:
Someday soon he may be living on the street the way he seems to be progressing. I worry about that, but if that day comes what do I do? Has anyone else been in this situation, can give me anything thoughtful to think about or things to consider? I just don't know...I can take one day at a time and let go and let god but I really need something else right now. I would love to hear if anyone else has had a similar situation to me. No one else seems to be dating an alcoholic that is an active drinker. They all seem to be divorced or married to them. What do you do when you are trying to decide to marry them or not? I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family so this is so new and different to me.

Hi..

your post shows a LOT of good thinking and good alanon work even for the time u have gone...I hope u keep going, and can get a sponsor soon to help you with the 12 steps..slogans..literature.....meetings are essential...you will meet wives and other family members of alcoholics and really listen to their stories....and you can make an informed judgement as to do you really want to buy into this????

MY experience is I won't do it again w/an active drinker who is not in AA....I wouln'dt even go with one in AA, really, b/c they are one slip away from a relapse and I just can't go through it again........I worry about IF he ends of on the street....who put him there???? do you think you must save him from this????? I am concerned b/c u r #1 worried #2 don't know what to do........My experience has always proven that they find a way to take care of themselves....how many times has my NON recovery brother ended up in the streets and he finds a way...so does the other A brother with whom i am not so close to but love very much....they find a way to survive, and get their needs met...trust me, alkies are very resourceful in getting their booze adn getting themselves into some type of shelter....and it is not your problem or responsibility .... AND if this does happen, it may force him into recovery....if u rescue him, u will do more harm than good....#1, you rob him of the hard lesson he needs to face his addiction #2, u r buying into trouble b/c he will expect you to enable, rescue him all the time....

I hope you can get into the steps and figure out why you would want such a low percentage relationship given the fact that u were not raised w/this....usually women who date/marry alcohol grew up with it....

I send you support and encouragement to work yoru program...meets...sponsor asap...steps..slogans..literature....hang with us here and post and read the other's posts....remember...if he does not get help....get sober...he is going to get sicker and sicker...then come the job losses, the legal issues if he drives and drinks, then the beginnings of physical death b/c his brain will become "wet" where literally he is killing his brain cells, his liver will become enlarged, his digestive system will suffer, his whole body will begin to spiral down until he is immobile and waiting for death....it is an ugly way to die.....my mother drank herself to death......it was U G L Y....i will never hook up with an alcoholic again...the memories of her dying that death will stay w/me forever...

i won't tell you dump him or stay...that is your choice, but i invite you to read the posts of other girlfriends/boyfriends.....wives/husbands of drinkers....read about their misery and think about it....they share their stories here openly.....read the other shares, you will get a tremendous insight on what u r buying into....NON recovering alcoholics only carry with them sorrow and death UNLESS they get into treatment, get adn STAY sober for the rest of their lives and bc it is an addiction, they can slip just like that........alanon will help you get into yourself and there is nothing like self love and self discovery to put a gal or guy on the right track

sending you encouragment and peace

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
thanks to alcoholism and its affects on the non-A. Although I am grateful for my children, I am not grateful for the disease that destroyed my x, is destroying my son, almost destroyed me and hurt my daughter. Had I any inkling he was an alcoholic and not just a social drinker as many people my age did in their early 20s, I would have said goodbye long before I married him. We can love them and in my inexperience we can't live with them. To me, it wasn't worth the experience to marry him. I didn't re-marry and I'm much happier that way.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of June 2014 05:48:04 PM

I so agree...my husband #2, i had a lot of love w/him, but I still ended our marriage b/c he began to go down hill due to long term drinking and refusing to get help.....wold i marry one like that now???? NO NO and NO.....and yes, I love my brothers but i would never let either house share with me......i also did not remarry.....and i, too am healthier and happier........so u will hear a lot of stories , some leave some stay.....i would really put everything on hold (major decisions) till you have worked your program for a while...even tho to me this is a deal breaker for me (active drinking) that is just me......

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Popcorn

If you a re attending alanon Face to Face meetings, I am sure you have heard the opening that states: "Living with the disease of alcoholism is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it."

I married a "functioning "alcoholic, who had an excellent job, paid all his bills , even though my inner voice cautioned me against this action and in time I found the alanon statement to be oh so true.

Keep attending meetings, work the Steps with a sponsor, live one day at a time trusting in a Higher Power and know that you will be given the courage, serenity and wisdom to have a good life

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's not that we're not supposed to care about the alcoholic's drinking. We would have to have lost the power of reason not to see how destructive and painful it is. But we can't wait to be happy ourselves until the alcoholic stops drinking. Because -- this is what I wish someone had told me years ago -- only 15-25% of those who enter recovery programs stay sober longterm. That's not even counting the ones who never go into recovery. So statistically the odds are that drinkers will not become sober. I kept waiting for mine to turn the corner, see the light, start waking up. He never did. If I had realized the odds at the beginning, I wouldn't have stuck around waiting for the change to happen. Because the odds were great that it would never happen.

The thing is that addicts attract addicts, and in becoming involved with addicts, our own addictions start coming to the surface. We often (maybe always?) become addicted to the addict. The yearning, the hope, the chaos, those fleeting moments of happiness when everything's going well. We get addicted to the struggle. Giving up our addict is like the drinker trying to give up the drink -- it becomes unthinkable for us. We hardly know who we'd be without them. That's why we, like them, can recover with a program of support.

As for him living on the street, alcoholics are a lot cleverer than they look. I thought mine would be on the street years ago, but he's still chugging along. Sometimes, though, they do end up on the street. Sometimes that is their wake-up call at last. When we cushion their landing, we let them think that drinking is workable. "She'll take care of me, no need to change what I'm doing." Sometimes if they'd been faced with the street long ago, they would have started recovery long ago.

I think you are very wise not to bring kids into this situation. Kids are devastated when their parents are so unreliable and filled with insanity. And they often copy the coping methods of their parent -- after all, that's what they're designed to do -- and end up as alcoholics themselves. Imagine if you had to deal with an alcoholic son as well as an alcoholic husband. I'll say it plainly: this is not a situation to bring kids into. If kids are in your future, I hope you'll find the healthiest partner you can. I can testify from my own experience that trying to raise a child with an alcoholic husband is like having two babies, only one weighs 200 lbs. and curses at you while trying to drive drunk with your real baby.

I hope you'll find a good face-to-face meeting, get the literature, read the threads on here, and keep coming back. It's hard. Hugs.

Popcorn · Newbie

Thank You for everyone's opinions and thoughts. They have really given me some things to think about. I don't plan on making any major decisions right this second but I feel like I need to think ahead a bit and prepare myself for whatever happens. If he did end up on the street that is where he will be and I know I wouldn't do anything to help him. He knows that too. I know things will end up for the best whatever that may be but it's hard to not know...but hopefully I can work on that with Al-Anon.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome, yes there have been many who have come here who said a lot of what you have shared.

The thing is, even if they are sober,it can be even worse. An A has a disease made up of symptoms. using a drug is just one of them.

They are never cured, its a lifelong sickness. As they keep drinking, killing off their bodies they of course get worse.

I am so sorry you have to face up to this. You are so right, kids do not belong in this situation. In fact no one does. Especially if they are using.

Even if they get going on a strong AA program, relapse is a part of being an A. that is hard to face! This does not mean we cannot love them and be with them. Myself I would never live with an A again. Again does not mean I didn't love them.

keep coming! Getting Them Sober volume one by toby rice drew is excellent, cheap on amazon.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.