The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I continue to contemplate staying or going. Yet, it has gotten more extreme. My AH is planning an overseas move.
I had yet another conversation with him about how he is "ready" for therapy. He is waiting on our doctor, who is amazing and he met with a week and a half ago, to call him back with the name of a therapist. and How he hangs out with losers.
I calmly explained to him, that if he is waiting on the Doctor, he is not going to get sober. That when *I* had my breakdown, my priest had a phone number immediately and I had appointment the next day. NO, you are not waiting on the Doctor. Unless YOU get help, you won't get better. There are 3-5 meetings a day, every day. He "would" go but he can't drive. On and on. excuses after excuses. Not to blame him. This is a disease. Heck, I am a mess and I don't have an addiction.
We have our house on the market and I think we have a buyer, So...then what..30 days from now - he's gonna be "all better". He believes that he should be overseas with real people who care about him. (apparently that would mean his dysfunctional family..his father is a devil of a dry drunk). I, on other hand, believe that *I* should be with people who have already established how positive they are in my life and in my recovery and in my spiritual journey...and that would be right here.
SO...At this point I am being asked to choose between HIS (potential) recovery OR my own. He doesn't realize it, but that it what it boils down to. And I need to remember that I am ONLY responsible for MYSELF.
Looks like that fence is getting a lot closer to the ground.
-- Edited by sadsusie on Friday 13th of June 2014 10:44:05 AM
I can't even think about how many times I calmly explained things to my A hoping it would get through and he would take my advice. Now I feel so much better just letting it go and not try to force, manipulate, suggest or beg anything with my A. I now spend most of my time thinking what I need to do with me no matter what happens on the other side. Yeah I can worry or fear still but I'm not getting back on that merry-go-round trying to take him with me.
((( hugs ))) you are not alone
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It's hard when we see them making plans that we know are not going to work out as simply as they think. My AH was always all confident -- and I think in his lack of understanding, he really did believe he had the problem taken care of. "I'll go to a couple AA meetings and get their plan and then I can do it on my own. 'Cause in my case it's not that much of a problem. So, that's solved. What's wrong with you? Why do you always try to undermine me with your skepticism?" For me the writing was on the wall with ten-foot-high blinking neon letters, but for him, it was "okay, problem solved."
Another issue was that for him, if he kept on drinking, it was no skin of his teeth. Drinking or not drinking for him was like, "Okay, they're out of chocolate ice cream, I'll take the vanilla." Keeping on drinking was not a disaster choice in his mind. For me his drinking was like "Am I going to have to rework my life entirely to get out of this relationship?" The consequences of his plan failing were much higher for me than for him. Because I was not in the same kind of denial.
Such a challenge not to try to talk them out of their delusions. Sounds like you have some fabulous awareness going.
Potential? Potential recovery is what someone who is trying shows. Potential is someone going to meetings, working steps, and working with a sponsor but still early on. All I hear now is active addiction and the common "geographical" cure that many to most alcoholic/addicts do mistakenly thinking that all the problems lie outside themselves while neglecting they bring their problems with them wherever they go. People who work hard in AA have potential. People who ditch, avoid it, or make excuses do not. Me personally...at this point in my life, I wouldn't follow an active addict alcoholic that hangs with thugs next door let alone across the world.
Potential? Potential recovery is what someone who is trying shows. Potential is someone going to meetings, working steps, and working with a sponsor but still early on. All I hear now is active addiction and the common "geographical" cure that many to most alcoholic/addicts do mistakenly thinking that all the problems lie outside themselves while neglecting they bring their problems with them wherever they go. People who work hard in AA have potential. People who ditch, avoid it, or make excuses do not. Me personally...at this point in my life, I wouldn't follow an active addict alcoholic that hangs with thugs next door let alone across the world.
Dear Susie, I have to agree with mark, here......i say to folks i sponsor when they are confused, being led by an A or any manipulator, or in another dilemma I say "if this was your own daughter, would you tell her to follow her non recovering, drinking husband over seas?????"
I am reading your post and i do believe you know what your answers are, you just need some validation and support from us....sending you support and GOOD thinking that means taking care of susie.......and as mark said "Potential" I am a coda/aca/alanon...i have the "potential" of leading a very full life b/c I am working on my program...when i took a few days off the boards to rest up and reflect on me, I worked about 6 meets in 3 days, worked step 4 on some issues....reviewed my vast library of literature on , for me, expectations and letting go.....
i may be inconsistent being here, but trust me....I am working on me....when i am not here, it usually means i am working through a workbook or a step w/my sponsor or recovery mate, or dead into meetings and don't feel like coming on the boards b/c i am working through something to help me....THAT is potential...no excuses...if i want it, i pursue it.....and i want a better life adn it isn't going to happen unless i work my program......
sending you peace and support....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When wife and I got married, we moved to Germany for three years. I am an electronic engineer and was workimg as an expat in our European HQ. it was very hard in my wife, and I was a workaholic. We still have disagreements about whether I worked too much while I was there, but the bottom line is that she was lonely as hell, didnt drink yet but instead gained about 75 pounds in the 2.5 years we were together there.
Being unhappy alone in a foreign country is something I wouldnt wish on anyone.
You have such clarity here, Susie. Making a conscious choice is so much better than just going along with whatever occurs in the best way you can. Your program work shows.
You answered your own question or in my mind your fence issues and have gotten some great ESH .. being lonely in a different country is no picnic I watched someone do it and it was hard to watch them fall apart. They also dealt with someone who is an alcoholic. Sending love and support, .. stick close to your program sis .. you will be fine. What Pink wrote is exactly what I was thinking .. someone who is in recovery potentially or not is NOT going to ask their loved one to put aside their mental health for them .. that is diseased thinking. Keep taking care of you.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Not moving is really more about me drawing the line. I have believed in the dream of a happy life for so long, that it is time for me to start facing up to the reality. Moving overseas was certainly at the top of the dream. In fact it kinda makes it hard not to want to go. We spend 3 months there in 2010, so I know his family really well. His mom and I get along fabulously, and I really like his sister. He has a huge extending family. They are full of laughter. His mom has 4 sisters, 2 of whom visit weekly. He has 4 girl cousins (sisters) my age and up who visit weekly as well. Not to mention family or friends who drop in daily. They have always included me in everything, and his Aunts even try to have conversations with me in Arabic! lol (which we have to remind them I don't understand). This is one of the reasons I want to go. His mom even holds my hand to keep me safe when we cross the street! So sweet.
My parents moved overseas and I left for boarding school when I was 15, so I have not really had much of a family life, and it has left a hole in my heart. But that is NOT a good enough reason to move when I know how complicated life with an alcoholic can be.
So this is more than just me saying no to living with an alcoholic, it is about me letting go of a (personal) dream I have held for many years. I am sorry to keep this post going for so long. But honestly this is a huge huge help in bringing clarity to my thoughts and motives. This is a huge decision, to separate. It would be a huge decision even without all the added complications of addiction and both of us being codependent.
Sue that wasn't much of a choice for me back then. When I made the choice for Al-Anon I did it with a commitment first to 90 days with 90 meetings and then almost all of the suggestions I got after. I let her go...God got her and still does have her and I at the same time. In support (((((hugs)))))
I think the idea of a hzppy, secure family is nice but if happiness comes from within then its another external fix. His family sound nice but I could be wrong but I imagine this move to be something where he gets more freedom and support to do what he wants and you get surrounded by females to take your mind off it. This may be something that appeals to you. To me, I like my independance, I like to make decisions on my own and that are good for me. If someone took my hand while crossing the road I would have alarm bells ringing, i would feel controlled and im all about freedom, but thats me, maybe some people like the idea of a family life like this. It sounds like a completely different culture, were you brought up in this type of family?
Potential? Potential recovery is what someone who is trying shows. Potential is someone going to meetings, working steps, and working with a sponsor but still early on. All I hear now is active addiction and the common "geographical" cure that many to most alcoholic/addicts do mistakenly thinking that all the problems lie outside themselves while neglecting they bring their problems with them wherever they go. People who work hard in AA have potential. People who ditch, avoid it, or make excuses do not. Me personally...at this point in my life, I wouldn't follow an active addict alcoholic that hangs with thugs next door let alone across the world.
My sentiments exactly. Can you explain this to my mediator?
I have lived and dealt with an alcoholic for 30 years, have 25 years of Alanon and if I have learned anything, You cannot coerce or bargain an alcoholic into recovery.
You cannot also listen to the rantings either, they change from day to day.
Lets not forget the objective of Alanon, how to help you deal with living with an A. But mostly Alanon is here for you to find solutions for the SELF.
You also cannot follow the decisions of an Alcoholic, there s are based on escapism , unstable and illogical , every time I followed an idea or decision made
by the alcoholic, I ended up regretful and the worst decisions ever made.
Glad you have made the decision for yourself not to go. Its time to let go...see where it brings you.
