The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking a lot about how I am on the fence here "waiting" for A to get sober. At this point we are selling our house to move overseas. But in all reality, I am just ready to pay off our bills and to find an apartment while HE moves. That decision is still not a commitment though, cause I (apparently) still love him, no matter how hard I try not to.
He spent the night across the street again. This time I imagine it was innocent enough (well as innocent as it gets anyway). But I know that he does what he wants when he wants, and at this point Alcohol is just an excuse. And it does tick me off.
This anger is also resentment which give ME the EXCUSE to "do whatever *I* want. HMMM? ICK. I have been "taking care of myself" in real ways, healthy ways, but to get there I have been indulging myself in "revenge". Like if he can spend $300 at a bar, than I can get a new handbag. Lets just say I have a LOT of handbags. LOL.
I am proud of myself on one hand that I had the guts to buy stuff for myself. Because before I didn't even feel worthy to buy new underwear. But i am much more conscious of the fact that many of the things that i do to "take care of myself" to do things that please me are a form of revenge.
I wish I could just do things for myself because I believe that I deserve it. I suppose practice makes progress (in all seriousness) but I am not there yet. It hurts that I still have so much pain left inside this head and heart of mine. Perhaps being on this fence is Gods way of making me face these demons? Not that I would encourage anyone to spend in misery, but for me...I wonder if God is just using this (I mean DUH of course he is). Cause I keep praying for guidance, and praying for inspiration, but nothing seems to be changing. I hope that this is His plan. Cause right now I'm scared. I don't want to be stuck like this.
FEAR. I have faith and I know I am not supposed to be scared, but there ya go. I am. I am having a hard time waiting for it to go from my head to my heart.
I love you guys, thanks for letting me vent. [Please insert crying emoticon]
Hi Sweet Susie, Thank you for your honesty and wisdom. Praying for guidance, and acting on it is how the program works and I salute you.
It is great that you have searched out your motives for "shopping" and are questioning the actions. Please continue to "Keep the focus on yourself", work the Steps, live one day at a time and HP will give you the courage, serenity and wisdom to follow His will for you and the power to carry it out
Have you ever heard the one about the preacher who was caught in a flood? A neighbor stopped by, said "I have a Jeep we can get out of here with". The preacher said "it's OK, God will provide". The preacher ended up having to go to the second story since the first story was starting to submerge, and a fireman came up in a rowboat and offered to take him out of there. The preacher said "it's OK, God will provide". He ended up on the roof, and a helicopter came up and yelled in a bullhorn that all the preacher had to do was grab the dangling ladder and he would be whisked away from the impending disaster. The preacher yelled back "it's OK, God will provide!!!". The house then broke up, washed away, and the preacher went up to heaven.
Standing in front of God, the preacher said "God, why didn't you take care of me? I had faith that you would provide?" And God said "Are you kidding me? I sent people with a Jeep, a rowboat, and a helicopter to take you out of there!"
I have no idea if it could be, but maybe God has already provided, and you didn't realize it?
I do the same thing - although only once with handbags, we have a lovely young lady who makes beautiful bags nearby - it is a family business tucked away in a remote valley. What I do is think - ok, I'm off to swim in the lake for an afternoon or I'm off to see some friends - no guilt, but lots of fun!
You can have faith and fear at the same time....fear is not bad. Sitting on the fence may be what you need just sit, wait and wait some more. I know I want things in my time frame and my HP does not follow my wants and requests. I can just hear her saying "Be still and know there is a bigger picture you cannot yet see". I like your signature I also see sassy Susie.
Susie, I have an issue with clothes and shoes and I have been overshopping these past few months for the same reasons that you mention. I truly believe that I shop out of a 'lacking mentality'. Here's how I think it through: Well, if I divorce him soon my income will be gone and I will be forced to tighten the reins and change a LOT about how and where I spend my money. So, I better spend it now while I have it and stockpile some clothes. I mean, what if I have to interview for a job and I can't afford a nice blouse, then I better buy it now......you get the picture.
For me, it was me lacking the faith that I could trust God to provide and to meet my needs in the future. I'm still working on this concept and I still struggle with my spending. I am grateful for this lesson as it is teaching me that I have to learn to rest in God's hands and take stock of my own behavior. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Its escapism as well, I know I can use just about anything to escape from my own thoughts or whats going on around me, especially when there is decisions to be made. Im not great at facing them, it takes a while to work towards change. You sound strong to me susie, reality and truth is hard to look at but when we have all the facts it gets easier.x
I also see sassy Susie.