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It is time for me to get my 34 year old son out of the house. He relapsed. Said he would be out in a month, Detoxed at home and now I am finding strong evidence he is using again. He is very volatile and defensive when I ask him to leave. I am determined for him to leave by Monday. I want to write him a letter as I won't be home when he gets here telling him I love him and he needs to leave immediately either to a detox, rehab or sober living, his choice, but he can't stay here. Should we offer to pay for sober living for the first month if he has gone through all of his money for drugs and alcohol? What else should I say. I can't take this much more. I am falling apart here. I know he has to leave and so does my husband. Any advise and strength would be appreciated as he is very manipulative and I know he will deny it.
Aloha Pam...I remember in the past that everything I tried to do to "help" the addict and then the alcoholic/addicts (both an ex-wife and my eldest son) never worked not even closely to how I would see it. The disease is very very strong, cunning and baffling and when and if I gave it an inch it took a mile and so I had to stop and change not it but me. I had to first get over the inventory I did about my part in it and look at the consequences of my part in it that affected me and others. One of the early major change tools I received from my sponsor (hey that is a suggestion) was "When in doubt DON'T". I always had doubt because nothing ever worked. I learned how to work it in spite of their reactions to my changes and stuck to my decision. All of them used anger and threats and pleadings and promises and the disease still ruled as it sound like it is doing with you also. Another slogan my sponsor gave me and I'm sure he gave it to me also because I could drive him mad with my dysfunctions at that time was "STOP!!" and when I found myself repeating behaviors that didn't work for me, for them and others I would shout that....at myself. It works when I work it. I worked the suggestions and using suggestions that came from others who knew how to affect positive change worked for me. We do not give advise only suggestions on what honestly worked(s) for us. We don't know your exact situation...suggestions are best...for me. Sponsorship and meetings work for me. A hand in hand relationship with a power greaten than myself works for me. In support ((((hugs))))
Suggestions: Well, if he's not ready to recover, he will just find enabling co-addict friends to crash with probably. You could present the halfway house option and agree to 1 month only...I would suggest no more than 1 month and if he gets kicked out, no more deposits on your dime. If he squats in your house, you might need police...Worst case, going through eviction process...Hope you get to some Alanon meetings to keep you guys grounded and with support through this. I know it's really heartbreaking...
If you had made any stipulations on him staying with you ( boundaries ) and he knew this, it isn't good for you to go back on your boundaries. I did so many times my son didn't take me serious anymore. When I kept my promise to him is when things changed.....yes for the worse but he understood mom was no longer the enabler. When the time came for him to be on the streets his dad stepped in. 4 months later after dad got the message, kicked him out....he was arrested for his 3rd. felony DUI. Now looking at 2 1/2 years in prison. I love my son dearly but I have to think this is best thing for him because he was not going to go into recovery on his own. I pray he will take this time to sit and listen and reflect on his life going forward.
It took me 5 longs years of enabling to get to this point but in my recovery I can say I am helping me so much but in turn helping my son. I have given him back his disease and let him deal with it. Let him deal with the choices he has made in life and I pray he will get the message some day.
Keep coming back because you are not alone.
(( hugs ))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi, Pamela: In my experience, if my AS was very volatile about any kind of boundaries I had in relation to his using or abusing, he didn't want to stop and didn't see it as a problem for him. I was the problem because I was too fill in the blanks. I can't say I wasn't there for him and I can say there are some things I did to try to help that didn't help. He wanted what he wanted and what he wanted I couldn't live with. I didn't pay for anything for him outside of my home since I had said up front before he moved in with me for awhile what my boundaries were and what I'd do if he couldn't respect them. Although I did toy with the idea of at least renting an apartment for him, I recognized the reality that if I did that - he would do whatever he wanted in that apartment on my nickel and I would be footing the bill for any damage, etc. He did enter rehab after I asked him to leave and had to find a way to do that which was tough love since he didn't want to go voluntarily. He did okay for a short time and then tested positive for drug use although he swore it was a false positive. That helped me know I'd made the right decision for me. I wasn't going to be living with him or paying for anything for him because he wasn't ready to make any changes but I was. He was an adult and responsible for his own life. I wasn't willing to do for him what he wouldn't do for himself.
You've received very good e/s/h. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 12th of June 2014 08:10:13 PM
