Abuse - Al-Anon Family Group

George555 · Newbie

Abuse

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome George. I can feel your anguish and I am sorry. There is hope and there is help. Find a local al anon meeting asap and begin to recover for yourself. Try not to project into the future or beat yourself up over the past. The now is what is important and now you have reached for help, so the healing has begun. Take good care.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Part of the problem is our A's disease and all the behaviors and symptoms that come with it... are none of our business. We can do nothing to help them but allow them to help themselves 100%.

I know you are married, she is your wife, does not matter. When we marry an A it is not the same as marrying a non a.

What we can do is work on ourselves. btw nothing we do makes them drink, nothing. It is a disease, in their dna like any other disease.

It sounds like you need to look at you and decide what you want to make better. Al Anon, anger management, fill your life with what you like to do, discover your passions, golf? fishing? painting? whatever. Stop focusing on her disease.

I hope you keep coming. This place can change your life for the better if you allow it. hugs!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi George, welcome to Miracles In Progress. I understand the extreme pressure you are under. I remember tussles with my alcoholic wife that she started, and I had too much adrenaline to walk away from. I hated taking her to hospital afterward and them having "the talk" with her about how she should report family violence, and her telling me that I almost got in trouble for something that she started. I just had to walk away and detach from the whole situation. Other similar situations turned me into a monster that I never intended to become.

The best thing I did for myself was go to Al Anon. there are other people there who will understand what you have been through. they will have empathy, and not be judgmental, and break the isolation. You can get good literature, names and numbers of people to call when you need to vent or can't control anger. And most importantly, you will get tools to help you get your sanity back. Once you clear your head and understand that you really have no power over alcohol, you will be able to answer some of those questions you are asking yourself. We don't give answers in Alanon, instead we try to make it possible for you to be able to make rational decisions again. Kind of like teaching a hungry man to fish instead of giving him a fish.

There are also online meetings here twice a day. On weekdays they are at 0200 and 1400 in the UK. Hanging in the chat room afterward is even better as far as I am concerned.

Also, feel free to share on the boards, it's what we do, share our experiences, strength, and hope. If you have something you don't want the entire board to see, feel free to PM anyone you feel comfortable with.

Keep coming back here

Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

kenny just reminded me of two incidents that I was NOT me.

Once i threw a glass of iced tea into the wall. same wall I thru a bowl of salsa! I rarely if ever lose my temper! Even the A said he wondered if I was human. geez

Yes al anon right here is what made me mellow out and learn my dear loved AH was sick. When I say I don't get mad, I don't, for me I take action, whether i do something about it, or I walk away.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand that frustration and anger when they are drunk and then living in fear when they are sober. Its not living, its existing in a hell hole. I am no longer with my ex alcoholic partner, he was sober although untreated for around 6 years and that was hard but then he started drinking again and I knew that there was no way I could live through it all again. There are many people who do stay and have good lifes despite the drinking. I have learned that living with an alcoholic makes us sick, our thinking becomes sick and the symptoms are depression, anger, anxiety, resentment, guilt, all that horrible stuff really. I went to Alanon and I have learned how to think differently, clearer and I feel so much better. I suggest you find a meeting near you and go, try six meetings and see how you get on.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear George,Welcome to MIP. You have received excellent experience, strength and hope from many members. I would just like to welcome you and say you are not alone. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease and we who live with it become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it.

I understand the feelings that you have expressed and I know that I hit my bottom and had to leave because I knew that one day I would kill him. It is then I found Al-Anon, broke the isolation living in the disease, learned new tools to live by and regained my ability to respond and not react.

The outcome was that h e became sober and we reconnected until he passed from cancer 6 years later--and he was still sober.

It is all a process which we learn one day at a time so please keep coming back you're not alone

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, George. Welcome to MIP. My behavior wasn't so stellar all the time either. I got so angry at my x, I dumped bags of trash on him as he laid in bed pretending to be sick because he wanted to stay home and do "his thing" and wouldn't take the trash to the alley in time for the trash people that contained a week's worth of diapers from my 3 month old daughter and 2 year old son. I had walking pneumonia. Both kids were sick. I was getting about an hour of sleep each day. He wouldn't help. He wouldn't go to work. He wouldn't take the trash through the snow to the alley way in the middle of January that had to go out and I was too sick to do it myself. He was the only one in the family who wasn't sick and the only one lying in bed who didn't need to be there.

So, the disease is what the disease is - and sometimes - we act in a fashion that isn't how we used to behave. The important thing is to get help for ourselves because this disease progresses in both our A and in us. We can't do anything about our spouse's disease or behaviors, but we can do something about our own. Keep coming back.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi George,

One of the books that has helped me so greatly realize in some of my behaviors I'm not alone .. I have suffered with abusive people in my life and not that it excuses the behavior .. I helped me understand it better was In All of Our Affairs there are lots of ESH coming from abusers and how they sought help. Regardless if you stay with her or not .. getting help not only for her .. for you as well.

Keep coming back, S

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to how angry I became dealing with my AH and I had to dive into al-anon meetings, read al-anon literature, MIP, and counseling to get through my stuff. Keep coming back and thank you for your open and vulnerable share here with is! Sending you love and support on your journey!

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

It is exhausting trying to control other people, I know. Just in our heads when we're alone, never mind physically When they're there.

There is a solution to this.

Step 1 is really I am powerless over the alcoholic and when I try to manage them my life becomes unmanageable and I become exhausted

let go and let God

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha George and your story/share is mostly exactly like mine. Thanks for the memories. You are in the right place now and have done the right thing of reaching out and opening up about what's going on in and with your life being married to an alcoholic. I've been there and was responsible also for sending my alcoholic/addict "back out" because I didn't want to be married to one and she didn't want to see herself as one...so I decided she wasn't one and out she went. Almost killed her and then I almost killed her on occasions myself. Adrenalin and testosterone in stressful situations can be like coke or meth cause I lost my mind and almost took her life. Crazy part of that was she used it, as an addicted person might to admit that she was at fault for the reaction and drank over it. Crap is this insanity or what!!?? I also tried to teach her how to drink which also almost killed her cause the multitude of females cannot drink like males and are not made up to assimilate the chemical like the male physique can. She would tell me "God I wish I could drink the way you do" and not much later I would stop and then get sober myself. Thank God for her and then the programs (both) that I hold membership in.

Addiction is abuse. Addiction results in additional abuse. Sounds like you're qualified to be here and I will from experience suggest that you find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call it right away to find out where and when we get together in your area. Come get your seat; there will be one ready for you. You don't have to go thru this alone.

Your story makes you almost a twin. In support any time. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh bless your heart, George, I can soo relate

My EX AH#1 was a total vile turd to me,....verbal....withholding affection, not even acknowledging i existed...public put downs and then the physical stuff happened where i would have to run out of the house, sometimes with only a long tee shirt and my undies to call the cops..

well one day we were at his mom's and step dad's house, alone on their street where the neighbors loved me but could not stand him b/c he was a drunk and an abusive one and they hated his treatment towards me...I remember these Puerto Ricans who lived next door whom I would go visit...(I quit enabling him, quit supporting two of us and i let us get evicted....thus the move in to his mom's and dad's house) well the family next door from Puerto Rico, just absolutely were wonderful, they embraced me and took me in and fed me when i didn't want to eat at his mom's house b/c she totally enabled hm, it was all my fault for his drinking...she was a witch...step dad loved me and felt sorry for me....he was nice...but the mom??? i hated being there but was not gonna support him w/my PT freelancing bookkeeping, no way..

anyway, fast forward....mom and dad go out visiting and the drunk and i are alone in the house.....i am in the kitchen making ME something to eat (oh yea, he hated my cooking so i stopped cooking for him) and he comes into the kitchen, it was a cute , nicely done, tidy kitchen and i am going to the sink to wash off my tomatoes, was gonna make a beef and home made tomato sauce dish w/noodles in it and it was good...I was ignoring him and he comes into the kitchen to harass me, "oh you suck as a cook, i hate your indian s*** " and hes going on and on and on and i happen to know that i am a very simple yet very good cook, but back then these remarks hurt....always putting down...i never did anything right....i often asked him "why did u pursue me to marry me when you don't even LIKE me????" anyway, i am ignoring him and he grabs me by the hair and shoves me over the sink and i kicked him between his legs and i ran...called the cops and got him arrested...oh mom and dad loved that...me having "son" get locked up......

i had had other instances where i had to kick him "you know where" to get away from him and you would THINK the guy would learn to keep his hands off me b/c i won't take physical abuse from anyone

what i never told anyone was the Puerto Ricans had a house for rent , next to theirs , and they offered it to "A" and me at a good rate to help us be by ourselves and I think they wanted to keep an eye on me..i really do....i loved those people

so we moved in, i was making enough freelancing and he finally got a job managing a bar , yea, right...put the fox in the chicken coop but i didn't care he was making an income and he could support his self instead of bumming off his mom.....

well one of the things he moved in the house was his dad's bayonet....it was a beauty....we hung it on the wall and it looked nice up there...his real dad was in merchant marine and he gave it to mr. drinker a long time ago .....so we are moved in and this would be my last home with him b/c i just could not take anymore of his crap

the bathroom plumbing needed extensive repair so "Juan" our landlord said he would put in a whole new bath/shower thing for us, and we could use their bathroom for showers, toilet was ok, but for showers or baths, no worries come next door

well i am very very fussy about hygiene so i was over next door at evening b4 i knew it was Juan's and his lovely wife's bedtime and i would enjoy a nice shower

after breakfast i was there again and I asked them if it was "ok" for me to come over like this as my bath time was my relax time and they said "oh nooo we love having u over and wife loves to chat w/u" so no worries, i clarified with them, what their boundaries were, etc., so no worries

well one day close to completing our bathroom which took several days, it was after breakfast and I am in a long tee shirt/dress like thingy and i have, in a bag, my soap, towel, clothes, toothbrush and past etc. to go next door and the drunk, i can smell the stink of whiskey on him refused to let me go next door...."u r a nut case to have to bathe/brush your teeth 2 sometimes 3 x per day....you're not going over there" and i said oh yes i am, they like me and we enjoy our morning chat and i am going

he grabs my hair and slings me into the parlor and there was the bayonet.........i grabbed it and i went after him...he's in kitchen so he sees one very out of control indian w/a bayonet so he hauls ass out the kitchen door and i am hot on his heels.....well fear can run about as fast as anger can but i am gaining ground on him b/c I am a very fast ex sprinter.....Juan sees this and he yells to his brother to come help.....

the guys grab me and hold me and they gently take the bayonet from me and i said "all i wanted to do was come to your house and take a shower ..thats all i wanted to do" as i cried in their arms, sobbing, weeping b/c i just had had enough....

well Juan got a hold of the A and he just flat out told him that if ANY signs of abuse appear again and he is gonna watch over me very closely , if he even THINKS there is abuse, he is gonna drag him outside and stomp him into the ground........well finally A had his match b/c my money would have been on Juan...he was big..strong...and looked like he could hold his own in a battle

I had my shower after things calmed down and Juan is warning the drunk "Lay off her or i am coming after you" so things, after that were an uneasy truce with the A now fearful of reprisal from my new found protector and i just kept out of his way....did my thing....looking for a place to get out of there, even tho i loved this family who kinda took me under their wing, I knew that was my time to go.......and i went out and met that dentist and realized that this was no life what i was living w/the alkie......I wanted better and as Betty said in her post, if i had staid, i maybe would have killed him....it was that bad

so i can relate to your anger.....their awful behaviour, abusive, mean, cruel, and it turns the non alkie into , well look at me, chasing him with a frickin bayonet....omg..had i caught him??? i would have done who knows what to him....I saw red and i was gonna get him off me one way or another.........so yea, it was my time to leave.....and leave i did.......i would later sneak back when he was at work and see my Puerto Rican family, their old parents lived across the street and i visited them, too.....I never forgot them and they were over joyed to see me free and away from him.....they ended up kicking him out b/c of the way he treated me and they just plain did not like him....i was gone...safe.....so they got rid of the drunk.....dunno where he moved to and didn't' care.....I stayed friends with those folks for a long long time.......

anyway, sorry to have posted so long....i am a peace lover...i would rather walk in peace, but this stinking p.o.c brought out the worst in me.....so now when i am near folks who bring out the negative in me, I walk away.......i don't want to be around folks who are not a blessing...life should be joy and fun and morals and live and let live...I won't entertain the sickness i once lived with b/c i didn't think i deserved any better......alanon is my miracle.......

thanks for letting me share

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.