Separation? - Al-Anon Family Group

Venera · Senior Member

Separation?

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Have a good sit with your HP, attend your meetings, get a sponsor and begin working your program of recovery. A separation may or may not be the next right action...that is a tough thing to decide. It could turn out to be the best action for all of you, and it doesn't mean that it needs to be followed by divorce. If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would see an addiction counselor to help me sort through all of this. Whether or not you opt to separate, using the tools of al anon is crucial for you. Take good care...

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that it is said that one should wait at least 6 months, maybe a year, to make some changes. And I agree with that sentiment. Sometimes our lives change and we realize that we performed actions that, once we were able to clear our heads and become a little less insane, we realize were probably inadvisable.

However, I always took that rule as a should. I am going through a house sale right now just like you, moving, a big deal, and my AW is only now 6 1/2 months sober, and I have only been in program since January. But for lots of other reasons, including my son's age, convenience to get to work, the proper time in life, that took precedence. My AW has the blessing of her sponsor, and I feel she has made great progress and this move is going 100x better than previous moves because our relationship is already more stable than it ever has been. Oh, BTW, I have also made great progress in Al Anon. Even with my wife sober now, if I had not made the progress I had made in Al Anon, we would be selling the house, but so that she could separate herself from triggering passive/aggressive behavior that I finally understood and decided to stop.

So, as Paula said, sit with HP, listen, and try to decide. I would lean heavily towards not making a move, but there are lots of circumstances, including the ones you have cited, that might make it advisable anyway. If my AW were still active, I would never have gone through this, unless it was just to liquidate everything and get the heck out of there.

Peace

Kenny

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

The final point for me came down to financial reasons. The dui was only the beginning. There was another party outside of alcohol involved .. and that was the deal breaker for me. Plus I had to consider safety issues for myself and the kids. Leaving was the right decision .. it is neither more or less painful than the decision to stay. In order to get better I needed to be out of the situation. That is really a decision only you can make. Getting them Sober vol 4 addresses staying or leaving and some additional options. Hugs s :)

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in program 3 years now and it was a year into program when we split I'm so grateful for the support of the alanon meetings, mip, my sponsor without them I couldn't have made it this far. Hugs

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Venera, Im sorry you are going through this, its a horrible situation to be in especially when kids are involved. I have heard that too, that we should wait 6 months - 1 year before making any major decisions. I took that to be because while we are not thinking clearly we may make decisions with our sick mind that might not be right and might cause further damage. I also thought that while im still sick I may go back on major decisions which can add to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. It might be better to take some time, go with the flow, absorb the philosphy as best you can. The only exceptions to these suggestions is where violence or abuse is involved then its crucial to take action right away.Glad your here.x

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Separation is not divorce, the kids probably already know that things aren't great between their parents and sometimes people need space to be able to hear themselves think. My situation was that my now ex-A left in a huff (as he'd done many times before) and my getting into Al-Anon was what kept me from letting him come back - I had time to explore a new way of thinking and figure out what I wanted; conveyed my wishes to him and he chose his path. The major decision I waited to make was in actually divorcing since the separation was already done by him. I don't think the 6 month thing is a rule that has to be followed or you flunk out - its a guideline, see if you can wait and work on other things, but for some they can't wait - looking back I know that my ex would not have allowed me to live with him while starting my recovery - he was a verbally abusive tyrant who loved to fight.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera, I agree,separation does not mean forever. Kids know what is going on and honestly I know for me, I needed the break. My parents were quiet. Their not talking or sharing anything was almost worse than letting it out I expect.

When Daddy went for his two nights away I felt relieved. I loved them both very much, they were very very good to us kids and everyone.

So I found with my AH I would need a break and have him leave or he would just leave. Of course he went to mommies. Got a breather, got strong and brought him back. I adored him. The break was from the disease not him.

It does sound like a good time for you and kids and AH to have some time apart. Does not mean it is forever. Possibly talk to the kids, they know how strained things are, the fighting is horrible on kids, to tell them you and daddy need a break would probably be a relief. Also that they can call him and when they want to see him they can.

It may go better for him too. He may learn some things he otherwise would not.

As far as the 6 mo. thing and all that... every situation is so different. In your case the escalation of the AH's behavior is concerning. To threaten as he has is a HUGE red flag. Remember their brains are so compromised and honestly, truly, literally pickled. Their whole bodies are!

I alway say, if the A was in recovery they would be glad you protected you and the kids! The sick minded ones who are not in recovery, the disease is so strong it is causing them to be evil.

I know you will make the right choice. I picture you kids and Dad in a clean, quiet, healthy environment where you build serenity. Where there is no yelling, threats, hurtfulness, fear.

I can tell you with all certainty those kids do not deserve to be in an environment with such anger and sickness. Believe me they are scared and hurt! Even my animals were totally different when my AH left!

hugs, good to see ya back!

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Like, SerenityRUS, the final breaking point for me was financial. I found out that my AH had hidden a lot from me, including the fact that he had not been paying our mortgage, that his business was in trouble with the IRS and that he had caused several liens on our house. Once I found all this out, and it all seemed to be revealed in short amount of time, I made the decision to leave. By that time, our last daughter and graduated college and was ready to move out, so it was just my AH and I in the house. I told him that I wanted a separation and that if he would try to get help for his drinking problem, then I would consider moving back and we could try to work on our marriage. Unfortunately, he told me that he didn't have a problem, but I did. Huh???

So I moved out on my own into small one bedroom apartment, which was closer to my work so that I could save money on fuel, and wear and tear on my car. He stopped drinking for almost a month and then went back to it again. After a year of being separated, I realized, "When nothing happens, nothing happens," and I decided to start divorce proceedings. Nine months later, before our divorce was finalized, he passed away from the effects of his drinking. I couldn't save him, but I saved myself. I miss him dearly, but I could not compete with the disease that had taken over his life, and he was not strong enough to battle it. I have finally forgiven myself for losing respect for him in those final couple of years when things got really bad, and I'm healing and moving forward.

Sending you a big hug right now. You'll know when, and if, the time is right for you to make this tough decision.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Venera. Welcome! I was in Al anon for about 9 months before I moved out and left my AH. I had to weigh the pros and cons of our relationship. The bad outweighed the good. My kids knew there were bad things going on. They saw him drunk and passed out way too many times. They saw cops coming to our house. They saw him go to jail. I played a part in all this...I put up with i t way too long. I helped him as much as I could. I might lose my house to foreclosure. But my mental sanity is more important to me than a house. I am in a small apartment and things are going well. I have 3 kids and we are fine. If you are ok financially on your own, that is a big plus. You need to look at your situation and do what's right for you, no matter how long you have been in al anon. Read some al anon books, research alcoholism, talk to your sponsor and go to meetings. If it wasn't for these things in my life and my HP, I wouldn't have been able to leave. Keep us posted on your decision. I am here for you.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Thursday 12th of June 2014 10:37:00 AM

Venera · Senior Member

I really appreciate your all feedback! I can't make up my mind, I am just waiting for him to get sober. I do want to separate but I need to know if he will cooperate. If he agrees on certain conditions then it could be very possible, but if not then I am not sure I am strong enough to start any legal process now. All I want is some structure in my life and being dependent on his drinking. I do want to start counseling and I see it being more feasible if we r not living under one roof. Though getting it all done is just not so clear at this moment, I am kind fallowing the flow day at a time. Asking to stay another day with my friends, keep looking for a place to live till August, etc Again I so grateful for all your support, thank you MIP!!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Veranda, take one day at a time. It's hard to know what the future will look like. We who live with alcoholics sometimes wait a very long time for them to get sober...it's been an 11 yr roller coaster for me. It takes years for a person to really become sober and stay that way.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.