many times  before and early in recovery I was thinking: 'why me? why us, why do I think so much, why do I ask so many questions..why did I realize, why can't I just ignore, get over ..why why why?'  I found what happened to us/me so unfair. I liked the self-pity and I liked my sense of entitlement, i liked my drama, and I liked being needed and needing. i liked complaining and it seems I liked dwelling in pain. i was jealous of those who seemed happy, I was resentful at my A and other As for their selfishness. and seemingly happiness.

Today this is different. I feel blessed that I asked the right questions. I feel lucky that my brain is capable of all those connections, to process all the emotions, I feel blessed I was given a strengths not to break, in fact to grow from this. I am happy I am able to think for myself, step up for myself, and take decisions based on healthier choices. i feel blessed I DO HAVE CHOICES. I feel blessed I am not sitting quite that much in the dark anymore as before, and as so many other people who still don't realize where their chaos is emerging from. I feel blessed to know and recognize the signs, and I feel blessed that I removed myself from too difficult situations and people.

I am a work in progress, and process. I am learning, and I'm thankful for what I know and understand.

before I wished so many times I was ignorant. i loved denial. Today i love the truth, no matter how hard or bitter, for it keeps me free. I had to let go of people, situations and dreams. But it's ok, i'm free. I am not happy everyday, but i am serene. I am not motivated everyday, but I'm free to be fully me.

to all the people here, asking questions, doubting, speaking, crying, screaming: we are blessed, we are ALIVE and kicking!

hugs