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So, after coming to a certain amount of acceptance about the way my relationship with my AH is, I started to wonder about some pretty specific things. Obviously, I want to live my life as much as possible, and I don't want to let his issues hold me back. One thing we were going to do together was learn to ride our motorcycles. Well, that hasn't happened although I desperately want to. I also want to take a vacation, but he continually calls in as soon as he has a day off. These are pretty big things I want to do, but I feel like I can't because we're supposed to do them together (especially the motorcycle one - he's adamant that I not try to ride without him, and I would feel safer with someone else there), but when it doesn't happen I get mad that he's holding me back. Do I just do them anyway, and show him the consequences of his actions? This is one of my biggest struggles because we continue to do small couple stuff together - ride bikes, go out to eat, go shopping, whatever. But I want the big things to.
My AH is in a 1/2 way house. We have a motorcycle. Well really I should say me has a motorcycle. I have always made the payment, insured it, maintenance etc. I have told my AH that either I am going to ride it or it's gone. I am going to sell it. The way I see it I am doing my own thing while he is off another treatment adventure. I can't sit all summer long waiting for him and I simply won't. If I want to go out, go do something, learn something I new, I do it. I am going to Florida to see my son, I haven't seen him in 5 years do to the AH in my life creating so much havoc. I don't care if he is said he can't go. I don't do things to prove to my husband the consequences of his actions. I do things because it's what I want to do and I am trying to heal from the years of Meth Addiction on his part and my addiction to the addict.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Dear Spider I hear you and understand the dilemma that you face. Wanting to learn to ride a motorcycle,and take a vacation are pretty exciting activities and having them postponed or ignored is difficult to accept.
I've gone on several vacations with travel groups and have had a great time. It was not necessary for me to be with the one" I love" in order to appreciate the sites and experiences of the vacation spots that I chose. Naturally I did not choose a" romantic island in the Caribbean" but instead selected an interesting historic sightseeing trip.
Learning to ride a motorcycle can be done with the motorcycle school and is probably safer. Al-Anon suggests that we say what we mean and mean what we say without saying it mean. I would speak my truth about needing these two important items to be scheduled for the summer. If he is unable to comply and make the arrangements you are going to schedule them on your own in the fall. I would check out reputable travel agent and a trip that looks exciting and also a motorcycle school that is available for you and when you discuss the issue you will have a Plan B available. He will then know you are not just trying to manipulate the situation.
I would do it anyway but not to show him consequences, then its still all about him, but just for you because its what you want to do. I think if our motives are about us then its the right thing to do. Ive learned its pointless to make decisions based on what lesson it might teach someone.
I think for me in my relationship a fair amount of autonomy works. There are things I want to do that my husband wants to do as well and then there are things I like to do he has no interest in such as thrifting, and the reverse he likes to go to the gym I like to work out at home. When I first came into the program autonomy threatened me. I had very little sense of self, I lived my whole life trying to please others.. I was very fearful to be alone. In the beginning I even worked my program for our relationship, I thought if I could fix me he would stay. I kept showing up to my meetings and working my program and one day I was working my program for me. I want to go to a flea market a few hours away alone on Labor Day. I'm praying for gods will and clarity right now. For now I'm sitting in the awareness that he can be a part of my life but not my whole life anymore. This program is a present and I've identified so many new things I enjoy and new things want to try;) Thankyou for letting me share and blessings on all your choices And freedom and courage to make them ;)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Hi, Spider. I've been single for a long time and like it, so I offer my e/s/h from a single woman's perspective after being married for 8 years. One of the things that was devastating to me in the divorce process was that I had not built up much of a life for myself beyond being a wife and mother. Although I believe those are both very important hats to wear in life, by putting my eggs into too few baskets, I set myself up for more pain and struggle than I might have experienced had I created a life apart from the x for myself. The disease is very isolating in my experience. The thing that truly helped me back then was to ask myself the question: "If I could do anything I wanted to do, what would those things be?" I didn't edit anything or qualify anything or censure anything. What came to me were simple ideas of things I could do even as a single woman with two children and I acted on each one. My motive was to enrich my life. And I do think that by asking that question and heeding the wisdom of the answers, I was also able to save my life and was a better Mom with a large support group of friends and allies that I wouldn't have been or had without acting on my own interior wisdom. With that old experience of marriage in my memory and the hard work it took to rebuild my life, I would not put myself in a position again where I had my eggs in a few lone baskets. I made myself too vulnerable back then. I don't want to repeat it.
