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I have been living with my partner for almost 3 years, now. Whilst I Kew he was an alcoholic when I met him he was holding down a job and had a 4 beers a day rule. In the past 2 years work has dried up, he works in the building industry, so spends more time at home. Little by little, he has started drinking more. I have had to go back to work full-time to support us and often I come back to find him absolutely drunk. 2 weeks ago, I came home after a 10 hour day, to find he was trying to cook dinner whilst completely drunk on rose wine! (He will drink anything, now and I have taken to locking the wine rack). When I challenged him, he denied being drunk (he was so drunk he was staggering and could hardly form his words). That night, I wrote him a letter, something I have to do to communicate with him as he will not have a conversation . I told him how I felt, that I was living on a knife edge and could no longer cope. When I came home the following day he was full of apologies and said he would cut back. Since then, he has been drunk twice, both times he denies. One of the problems is that he does not realise just how much even one drink changes his personality and affects him. I just don't know what to do, I am trapped. The house is mine, so I can't leave. I have no family here. I cover for hi with friends. He now does not seem to want to work as he,constantly, let's people down. He has told e he will never give up alcohol, although, in the past he has been through rehab and been dry for 2 years. He is very depressed but I don't know how to help him, I just know I cannot carry on this way. I am becoming edgy and fly off the handle, which does not help. He won't shower, shave or clean his teeth, yet, in the mornings he is an intelligent, kind man - till he has his first drink! His cousin, who is his best friend, Tod me the reason his 1st marriage broke down was due to his nasty and aggressive behaviours, when he drank. I am sorry this is rambling, but I am desperate for some help or advice.
Aloha Shirley and welcome to the board. What a classic share from a relationship with an alcoholic. Much of that is lived and felt and thought myself when I married my alcoholic/addict and the disease of addiction progressively got worse and swept us away entirely. When I got into Al-Anon we use to read the AMA (American Medical Association) definition of alcoholism which among other things mentioned that we get as sick or sicker than the alcoholic because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality; therefore we go thru the problem wide awake. It say a bunch more as "Alcoholism is a fourfold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence. It is progressive only getting worse over time and because it is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body the alcoholic has lost the ability to choose when and if they drink. If the alcoholic were to stop drinking for a time and then return to drinking often times it would be worse then when they first started. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and if not arrested will result in insanity and death. The alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death.
That's our lot also if we do not arrest our reactions and responses to the disease without help. We get progressively worse and we also experience insanity and death unless we find a manner and method to recover from the affects of this disease. For me that was the Al-Anon Family Groups. I called the hotline number in the white pages of my local telephone book and found a real voice I could talk with after Help In Emotional Trouble and the Suicide Prevention Center would not help. There is probably a hotline number for Al-Anon in your phone book. Call that and find out where and when we get together in your area and come in as early as you can. When you get there find the literature table. See if they have the pamphlet "So you love an alcoholic" or "Merry-Go-Round named denial" and others. Most are free others are not. Keep coming back to this board. The MIP family is large, experienced and in support and can help a lot. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome Shirley, ((((hugs)))))
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. Your story is very familiar to me since my husband behaved in a similar way. The things that have worked have been very counterintuitive - but the most important thing has been learning to look after myself and take my focus off my husband. I needed the help of Alanon and MIP to learn because these people understand in a way that others can not - and I certainly didn't! You sound more aware than I was when I first came here which is a good thing!! We are here to support each other.
Glad you found this forum. It is frustrating to see our love ones go down a path we see as destructive. However, if he or she does not see it the way you do, there is nothing you can do to convince him.
I tried for 6 years and with counseling for 1.5 years. Between rehab and counseling and alcohol, we must have spent 20k the last 1 year alone. He is not ready means he is not. I can make or encourage him to go but in the end all I got is "you wasted all the money on making me do blah blah blah." "I can stop when I want to". So I asked him "why not since this drinking is obviously hurting me and the kids?" The answer is "you are controlling/ not understanding me so all the more I am going to drink because of you." After years of trying to get through, I felt like an old record that is repeating the same thing over and over to someone incapable of feeling for me. It is just a vicious cycle.
I think he does love me in his little time of sobriety but these are so few. But the changes in me because I am living with him makes me detest myself. This little bit of love is easily consumed when I stopped being his enabler. All the verbal abuses were unlease. Do I love him? I am no longer sure after walking out. Is it just my love of feeling needed and I can rescue him? Perhaps. I am much better focusing on myself than on someone who takes ALL my concerns as being controlling. I acknowledge that when I was staying with him, most phone calls or questions have a hidden agenda. I am indeed attempting to control. He got that part right. So instead of trying to control another adult, I should aim at my own recovery.
Thank you so much for your responses, both which make so much sense, I am aware Millwood, because I have made myself aware. Self preservation more than anything else. I do have the strength to be on my own, but I do not have the strength to turn him out on to the streets. Neither do i want to. The state he is in, he would never survive. I will find the AlAnon groups here. One of the main problems is we live on a small, Mediterranean island, where the whole culture revolves around long, leisurely meals and alcohol.
Sunshine23 you raise a very important point, 2 actually. Firstly I dislike what I am becoming because of his drinking and I am becoming controlling, because I watch his every move. I can read him like a book and know all the signs. He is now beginning to lie to cover what he does, a trait I loath. At times, I feel more like his mother. I do not want to become his carer. My personality is changing because I am constantly on edge and in do not want to go out, so my life revolves around housework and working, whilst he sits and plays on his computer all day. Because he is impossible to talk to, there is little or no communication.
Hi Shirley. You stated if you let him go into the streets,he would never survive. I have learned not to try and predict the future. Sometimes alcoholics get sober because people put up boundaries and leave them to their own devices. There are a lot of great al anon books but there is also a series by Toby Rice Drews called Getting them Sober which has helped me to understand my relationship with my AH. I understand what you are going through. I left my AH 3 months ago. I couldn't take it anymore. I became lonely and frustrated. Al anon gave me the strength to try a new life.
Dear Shirley welcome to MIP. You have received many excellent, supportive, insightful responses and I just wanted to respond to your last posting which reflected on the change you are seeing in yourself and your choices of entertainment. I can so identify and although I saw all of this I did not have the tools to effectively change even myself.
Al-Anon's opening statement explains that alcoholism is a disease and that we who live with the disease become adversely affected by it. The welcoming statement sums it up in a lovely fashion . It states " our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it". I know I could so identify with that idea.
Al-Anon offered me the tools to regain my self-esteem, my self-worth and my ability to respond and not react in a negative fashion. No one gives advice in Al-Anon and the face-to-face meetings help to break the isolation caused by living in the disease. The simple tools of living one day at a time, focused on ourselves and our well-being, trusting the universe or a God of our understanding helps to restore us.
You are not alone and since this is a "we "program , please keep coming back
Most alcoholics will chase the addiction to the gates of hell and that would sometimes include being homeless. I invite you to reframe your notion of "saving him" from the streets and "and being responsible for his survival." That would assume that you are God to him or that he is a child and not an adult. I am so sorry that you have been brought into this awful disease the way you have. Your reactions are not at all uncommon but I hear some stuff in there that alanon is definitely geared to help with. Alcoholics often need to hit bottom hard. Hard enough to do what they haven't done before (truly seek recovery for themselves). It is easy to hold an enabler hostage and say you will never get sober when you have a roof over your head and food in your belly. Harder to do from rehab or a shelter. Alanon can help you. Where your wits end...The meetings, fellowship, steps, and the program begins. Welcome.
I agree with what Pink said here. I remember going to an addiction counsellor thinking the same thing. His response was he knows that world better than you do. Yep that did it for me. I left him there.
I fully understand what pink is saying, but, here there is no rehab, or shelters and if you have no money in your pocket, you starve. It is an incredibly difficult situation. Believe me, I am not a stupid woman and , if he had somewhere to go, I would pack his bags for him. More to give him a huge wake up call, rather than lose him.
For many years, I do drastic things hoping it will be a wake up call but I was left with disappointment one after another. I finally moved with very little hope of waking him up. It has been more than a month and the waking up has not happen. I learnt that I have no control over when he will wake up. I learnt to not expect anything from him or I will be too impatient and harm the people around me. I am ready to lose the marriage if he continues.
We have to let go to live well. Take care of yourself. It is difficult.
When I started to dislike myself because of how I was reacting to AH I became more mindful of how I behaved around other people and drew strength from how they saw me. It is really important for me to try to stay in touch with others for this reason. Our lives sound very similar - I am in Italy where long leisurely lunches are also the norm and AH also likes to keep his computer screen between himself and the wider world. I've been known to tiptoe around the house, not wanting to disturb the peace, like a timid mother with mop in hand and a truculent teenager somewhere in the shadows - arragh
Whilst it isn't my dream I find that I do better when I try to live my life as if AH is not around - my version of the computer slogan is 'what do I want to do today?' I had dreams of what it would be like living here (I was in London for many years) and felt disappointed when the reality seemed to involve more firefighting and anxiety. I try to remind myself of the dreams that brought me to this place and then gently do the bits that I can manage - just for today!
One other thing that might be worth sharing as well is that when I came home after having left AH (I only managed one month) I was surprised to hear him say that he had MORE respect for me because I had drawn a line where he couldn't. I had been thinking 'oh one day he will love me for having stayed by his side through all of this'. I thought I knew what was right but in a funny way he was probably more aware of what correct action was going to look like than I was at the time.
Sunshine here in Italy - I hope it is the same where you are.
Even if it was the streets, it would not be you putting him there. It would be him and his addiction. Alcoholics will also tell you and really convince you they have no other place to go, but that is usually not true and even if it were, that's his problem. None of this is under your control and the wake up call won't come by your doing but more likely when he is forced to fend for himself.
Even if it was the streets, it would not be you putting him there. It would be him and his addiction. Alcoholics will also tell you and really convince you they have no other place to go, but that is usually not true and even if it were, that's his problem. None of this is under your control and the wake up call won't come by your doing but more likely when he is forced to fend for himself.
agree 100% and you would be surprised to see how they find a way to fend for themselves when they ARE left to suffer the consequences....you are not responsible for him, thank goodness your not married w/kids w/him, it would be harder, but the bottom line is if you really want to be free, alanon and perhaps cutting him loose to hit bottom to force him to either **** or get off the pot is your only hope....we all think we are responsible.....i kicked my X alkies out i never felt it was my fault....THEY put themselves out of my life....i would never go back there....when i am friends/dating, if i see alcohol and its more then a beer b4 dinner, i am GONE......there was a very nice gentleman i was friends with and i saw red flags re: drinking....I dumped him......not gonna waste my time on one who has not enough respect for himself to take good care of himself.....i have sober alkie friends who have been sober for 20 plus years, or even 10 plus years and i applaud them, they have a great chance of making it.....but one who refuses recovery???? sounds like my brothers....i say "ok, go ahead, but i will not pick you up or save you when you fall down" its not my job...not within my power...not my business....and NOT my life journey...my journey is about me, for me, to take care of me...........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome, Shirley. You are not alone and are cared for by people here who do not know you. This is a taste of what you will receive in al anon. I hope you will attend and begin working your recovery from a disease that runs so deep, you won't see the depths of how it has affected you, until the effects have begun to loosen. Keep coming back!
"He's going to drink, now what are YOU going to do?"
I highly recommend the book, "Getting Them Sober, Vol. IV," by Toby Rice Drews. This book, Al-Anon meetings and Al-Anon approved literature helped me to soon to realize my part in my AH's disease. Sending you lots of ESH right now.
You sound more aware than I was when I first came here which is a good thing!! We are here to support each other.